I forgot the feeling of being carefree

[noname223]

My life was always shit. But it was not the hell I am living right now. I worry so much. Every single day I am thinking about suicide, poverty and my unsolvable problems for many hours. I am so scared about everything. I miss the old times when I was in school. I was bullied and abused at home (this caused my illness). However I did not have this amount of pressure I am experiencing since years. The pressure I put on my shoulders is unbelievable. I worry so strong without an end. When I talk to my therapist he is sometimes stunned how much worry. I think he still does not understand the abyss I am in. I have not told him the full truth about my suicidality. But I think I will do that. He is kind of a happy guy who was always nice to me. I like him way more than my second therapist. But there is simply no key to my problems. It has happened just too much. Things cannot be undone. A lot of my problems are irreversible.

I miss the days when I everything seemed fine. Actually there was one year. I was hypomanic and felt great. After my first breakdown I thought I am on the right track again. Sometimes I had a bad feeling that something bad might happen. And it became true. The mania caused a psychosis. And extreme psychosomatic pain. Being bipolar is kind of weird. I know how I could feel amazing again, like extremely good without any pain. However afterwards there will be the punishment. And next time I have this psychosomaticpain I really want to finally ctb. I probably go to university again soon. I have no other options but this might cause another mania/psychosis. It might be the greatest time of my life but afterwards I will need to ctb. This is so insane. I cannot believe in what a bullshit dilemma I am. My mind is a cage.

 

[Busticket]

I relate to this so much man you have no idea.
We are in the same boat in this regard.

 

[Some1's_Wasted_Fetus]

I miss childhood so much. I hated school, but I miss the carefree feeling. Not having to worry about debt, employment, rent, insurance, all my medical conditions, etc. I can't ever relax the way I want to because I'm always anticipating the worst from the future. Even events that have never even happened yet. I don't get how people can "let go" of stress and live in a state of zen. I wish I was living off the grid in nature so I wouldn't have to worry about anything but this isn't feasible without proper resources

 

[FuneralCry]

For me, the only way to feel carefree would be to die. Death is the end of all existence and freedom from our problems. We are carefree as we cannot think or feel anything. I believe there is simply nothing after this. It is not possible in this life, as existence is a burden. As humans we constantly face pressure and it can send us into despair. It is exhausting.