I felt it

[Wisdom3_1-9]

I've had a really rough week. And then this morning, I just sort of felt it. It's as if the will to live just left me — rather abruptly and noticeably. It was almost physical.

This, of course, isn't the case. It's been building for years, and I've been pushed to the point of mixing the SN solution... but I've never drank it. But this morning I felt certain that there was nothing that could keep me here; that if I was to try again, I would go all the way this time.

I sobbed for what felt like hours. Then I slept for hours. I still feel the same. I know that nothing will keep me from failing because there's nothing to keep me here. Everything in my life reminds me of this. I've lost everything of importance, slowly but surely. All that I still have will disappear too.

There's so much to do, though, before I go. If only I could find the motivation to do it.

 

[Lilacmoon]

you've been through the wringer. there's a lot of pain here. whatever you do, good luck. i hope things go as you want them to.

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

My mother lives in Canada. She's coming to stay with me starting November 10. I need to keep it together until then. This will give me enough time to do the things I want...

- redo "the note"
- write a few final messages
- revise my will
- finish one last composition

I'd love to quit my job, but I don't think I can. Must keep on going as if everything's okay.

 

[Deleted member 17949]

I felt something similar today. I thought back on some past shit and reflected on my situation, and I randomly felt kinda hyped about dying. Hopefully this results in me actually dying.

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

I want to go on a walk. There's a bridge about 2.5 miles away. I want to go there and stand on the edge, just to come face-to-face with the reality of death. But the sun's up now and there'll be too many people around and I don't want people staring at me. That and it's so fucking cold outside.