Venting I feel that I am much closer

[Dark Spring]

I am very exhausted, I tried to recover but I don't think my therapy is improving, with my psychologist I have a good conversation, quite fluid and I feel comfortable talking to her, at first I cried from beginning to end of the appointment, now I talk calmly but I think it is because I am already accepting my state and I don't want to raise suspicions about my desire for CTB.

I feel totally useless, my antidepressants and anti-anxiety medications are no longer sufficient, I do not sleep well at night (I can barely fall asleep around 4am, to wake up at 7:30am to study), during the day I am super tired and I cannot concentrate on anything I do. I just feel like I'm failing at everything, that I'm a burden to my family and I can't give them anything.

Every ten minutes I think about what method I'm going to use, what day it might be, I'd like it to be in the fall or spring. I want to plan everything perfectly so that there are no failures, I know that it is complicated but I want to plan absolutely everything, to have it ready until the day comes to carry it out. I think about writing some farewell letters and having them ready for the occasion.

Maybe I'm having just a few really bad days, maybe the day will feel better and I won't want CTB anymore, but it's really so uncertain in my head that I don't know if I can get out. At least I have a place to blow off some steam.

Why does it have to be so painful to want to die? Aren't we masters of our own lives? And we can choose when and how to leave. I wish there was a peaceful way out of this hell

 

[Ghost2211]

Just wanted to let you know I read your post can see how overwhelmed you are. I'll always read if you need to vent.

What have you tried to help with the sleep troubles?

 

[Lordsudbury]

Very powerful post and trust me you are not alone; you summed up how a lot of us feel here. You are not alone. Therapy hasn't worked, medication is bad. Consumed by thoughts of the end, obsessive almost because the mental anguish is so strong. We stand with you.

Some days are good, some are worse. We may evolve personally and live our days til the end with newfound strength but for now the torment is too much. We are the masters of our own life but depression and anxiety has convinced us otherwise.

Stay with us and talk whenever you need.

I was hospitalized from an attempt in the summer and they have me Seroquel to help me get to sleep cuz I had developed psychosis and went crazy and didn't sleep for like a month. It knocked me out but the next day dissociation was even worse.
It's very exhausting to feel like you're at the end - recovery is untenable and the only way out is back down. You've been exhausted for a long time. We are very hard on ourselves.

Your post was very well written just wanted to say thanks for that. You even have some hope knowing that maybe it won't be so bad it the future. In fact, it may even be great. Were gonna have good and bad days no matter what.

Stay strong for now

 

[Dark Spring]

What have you tried to help with the sleep troubles?

My psychiatrist prescribed me sertraline50mg, 100mg per day and clonazepam0.5 taking 1.5mg per day. At the beginning of the treatment it helped me to recover hours of sleep but it no longer has any effect on me, I am very anxious all day which exhausts me a lot and not being able to sleep makes everything worse. And I didn't mention that I don't have a job, so my medications are paid for with my college tuition money, which makes me feel terrible.