I feel ready but what can I do to not go through with it right now?

[Circles]

I finally feel somewhat ready to kill myself but I'm scared to go through with it like I'm going to actually do it despite that like my mind is telling me two different things. I got a gun and the thought that I can instantly die is alluring me to want to do it. I can get rid of all my problems right now and forever. No more. But I can't go through with it. I can't. I'm not ready yet. Sleeping isn't helping anymore at the moment. The drugs or alcohol isn't helping me numb the pain either. Self harm only does so much and I'm tired of being trapped inside myself. I am tired of this constant pain and depression. I am tired of being me. I don't know what to do.

 

[Al Cappella]

I'm about as good at helpful comments as a mousetrap is at making pizza. But I'll give er a shot anyway. It is perfectly OK to not be ready yet, and perfectly OK to never be ready. I actually think no one is ever ready. I also get that distractions & whatnot don't work anymore—and that is one of the worst feelings, because then you're just raw in your feelings with nowhere to go. I've been there, doubled over with pain. The only thing I managed to do was wait it out until it wasn't so intense. I really do wish some peacefulness for you, in whatever way you choose to find it…

 

[Of The Universe]

One day at a time! Man has endured the unendurable by just getting thru today!

 

[Circles]

One day at a time! Man has endured the unendurable by just getting thru today!

I feel like I'm drowning in self hate and so much hatred for life and everything that it's an indescribable disgust. An indescribable sadness. Everything is too fucked. I'm tired of trying my best with recovery only to get the shit end of the stick. Only to realize that I'm not ever going to be good enough for what makes me want to live. I'm living a lie you see. I'm telling myself there's hope when there's not. There's never been. I'm deluding myself and I know it. The truth is staring me straight in my face and all I got to do is pull a fucking trigger and I'll be done. All my problems will be gone forever. No more being a loser. No more being lonely. No more being suicidal or depressed. No more pain. No more sadness. No more anything. But god fucking damn it I just want to fucking die!!!! Fuck.

 

[brnggundottxt]

It's weird being stuck in-between life and death.
I don't know what I can say to help you, I've been living a normal life since I've been robbed of purpose.. the average NPC flirting around with hobbies and interests. Enjoying small rewards like ok grades or the prospect of a soulless job, a soulless vehicle maybe some made up award from some political or business crony that really counts for nothing.

I have no answers for you other than distract yourself like everybody else. Stay out of the social games where people flex and compare egos like people pretend to be somebody when they're nobody. Live a quiet life I guess, you might catch yourself actually enjoying something for a second or two.

As a newly minted NPC I don't know how helpful I can be. I just wish you the best.

 

[Avalanche81]

Hey Circle I feel your pain. Just recently I was pretty close to being successful literally by minutes.

Of course of all freaking days someone found me.

What's crazy is I was absolutely comfortable and at peace when I attempted; but what's even more out of left field is after that experience my mind clear and I don't think I would actually try again. It's a weird feeling to not think about attempting again when it took so long to plan it out tye 1st time.

As psnoody mentioned it's ok not to be ready if even to be ready at all. Life sucks and reading what you wrote its definitely sounds like you were given a shitty hand.

Your decision whatever that may be will be respected by everyone here and no one will judge you, especially here.

I just say give yourself some more time to think it through. Sometimes it's just enough for someone to listen.

Just my two cents is all.

 

[4mom]

I don't know if this will help, but I am speaking from experience. It is possible to reinvent yourself somewhat. I had been abused by my ex, choked two times. I was emotionally exhausted from the trauma of what I experienced and drained from what my children needed from me. My heart was broken, I was angry with being cheated on, abused, and financially destroyed. I was broke emotionally, financially, and psychologically. That was when someone said to me to try and tell myself a new history, and tell it to others. The more I say it the more it will become mine, I was told. I had never heard of anything like that and at first, it felt like lying to myself, but eventually I invented a new me. I went from being a victim of abuse to a survivor and was lucky to escape such a disgusting person as my ex. I went from being a single mom abused and cheated on to a strong woman who had a new start in life to figure out who I was standing on my own two feet, free of my ex. I moved to a new country (I know this was talked about in another thread) and started over. The new culture helped enormously in recreating myself. I still had my memories, but as I told it to myself and others it was now as a survivor. Even in this thread I cannot write out the details of the abuse I experienced because I will not accept it anymore. When I tell you the basic of being choked twice by my ex - I feel like I am talking about a movie I experienced. I rarely talk about it anymore. My brain has removed it significantly, except when I return to the method of pushing it out of my brain. However, I still do have nightmares and I do still walk in my sleep. The last nightmare I actually ran all the way downstairs and made it to the front door trying to escape from what is buried deep in my brain. That is how I continue. Yes, I am still struggling with depression but I came a long way. I think my greatest suffering now is how two of my children suffer.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you are suffering so much, I know that this life is unbearable when you are in so much pain. I understand that it is hard to carry on when you cannot take anymore of this life. I am also very tired of living. I wish you the best in whatever happens.