I feel like the emptiness won't go away

[miles-away]

I feel so empty inside. Nothing really makes me happy and nothing really makes it go away. I constantly like I'm missing something that most humans have. Like, they can be content with themselves when they're alone. And I can't. I keep chasing towards a goal or a hobby, hoping it will go away. I'm not where I am in life; I'm almost 24 and pretty far behind. But even if I "made it" aka had an actual career going and lived on my own, I still wouldn't be happier. Hell, I'd be even lonelier.

I feel like I'll just never be able to contact with people. There's always a distance. Being an agoraphobe for the entirety of my teen years has absoutely rocked my psyche in ways I'm still dechiphering. I'm still fighting back against that fight-or-flight instinct that kicks in when something as being as a waiter asking me how my food is. I feel like some alien trying and failing to blend in.

I recently went on a trip with my friend. Pretty much my only friend and I hate how much I've relied on him. But during the trip I felt numb. A type of content numbness. I was fairly disappointed with the trip and the place we went. But then he dropped me off and I felt that emptiness and lonliness hit me like wave. When I discussed this with him, he said he sort of felt the same but eventually you just get used to that feeling so it doesn't matter.

Idk. Everytime I leave my parents house, which I'm so desperate to do, I always just feel extremely lonely. I guess the simple answer it to "get more friends". I recently cut off another friend who I relied on when he made it very, very clear how little he thought of me. I just wish I could be content.

 

[timf]

Many people go from one environment to another looking for the one that will satisfy. They can miss the fact that something needs to be fixed internally. Some people find an activity or hobby that they can invest themselves in and receive fulfillment. Some find a trade or career that satisfies. Some find a religion or philosophy that answers questions they have. Some even find a sport or exercise regime that gives a sense of accomplishment.

Finding a way to care for and invest yourself in others can also be a way to make a change that alters how you look at the world. Looking inside yourself can be a way to discover an interest or desire that can be used to direct your actions to pursue that which can provide satisfaction. This then becomes the foundation of greater control and a focus on that which can connect you with others.