Venting i feel like i'm faking being non-binary..

[meowpuppy]

sorry to make two vent posts in a day, lol


a nagging voice in my head is saying to me constantly that i'm faking being non-binary, that my lack of gender dysphoria is just due to my anxiety, and that it'll flare up any moment now, that my seeing myself as a boy in the mirror and not wincing is me being blase, etc. etc., whatever.

if i was faking it, i'd really have no reason to, i don't want to be "special" or whatever. believe me, if i could be the garden variety trans girl, i would have a lot easier, though still difficult, time getting HRT. but now, i'm not, and what am i going to say to the probably cis person who will be in charge of me getting estradiol? that i'm kind-of-sort-of a boy, but also i don't want to be heavily masculine, so I need HRT because i'm not okay with being a man? and also i call myself a girl, and act like a girl, and talk like a girl?


i think im just a girl, to be honest. a regular old binary trans girl who's deluding herself. i know most enbies are more complicated than just being androgynous, but.. ugh.

 

[Secro]

I don't mean to sound harsh, but does your gender even matter? You're not forced to play with dolls if you're a girl, you're not forced to play with Hootwheels if you're a boy; it's all society that imposes these norms on people. You can be anything, regardless of gender. At least, that's how I see it.

 

[LostHighway]

sorry to make two vent posts in a day, lol


a nagging voice in my head is saying to me constantly that i'm faking being non-binary, that my lack of gender dysphoria is just due to my anxiety, and that it'll flare up any moment now, that my seeing myself as a boy in the mirror and not wincing is me being blase, etc. etc., whatever.

if i was faking it, i'd really have no reason to, i don't want to be "special" or whatever. believe me, if i could be the garden variety trans girl, i would have a lot easier, though still difficult, time getting HRT. but now, i'm not, and what am i going to say to the probably cis person who will be in charge of me getting estradiol? that i'm kind-of-sort-of a boy, but also i don't want to be heavily masculine, so I need HRT because i'm not okay with being a man? and also i call myself a girl, and act like a girl, and talk like a girl?


i think im just a girl, to be honest. a regular old binary trans girl who's deluding herself. i know most enbies are more complicated than just being androgynous, but.. ugh.

just be yourself. dress the way you want, feel the way you want. stop labeling yourself. if you feel unsafe where you live because of how you dress or act, consider moving to a place that is more open. there is NO NEED to pigeon hole you into one classification or another. no one is pressuring you to do so, except yourself. i'm sure your friends love you exactly as you are - whatever that is.

 

[meowpuppy]

just be yourself. dress the way you want, feel the way you want. stop labeling yourself. if you feel unsafe where you live because of how you dress or act, consider moving to a place that is more open. there is NO NEED to pigeon hole you into one classification or another. no one is pressuring you to do so, except yourself. i'm sure your friends love you exactly as you are - whatever that is.

it's really not that simple.. labels are obviously important, even if they aren't something that are prescriptivist. i also, uh, can't move, because i don't have a job, i also can't dress and act the way i like because it's a conservative society, and i also, don't have friends but i guess those aren't common things. generally, i sort of need to label myself. in a perfect world, i wouldn't label myself, but obviously i need to, uh, be happy inside of this society, so that's not really an option.

 

[Secro]

it's really not that simple.. labels are obviously important, even if they aren't something that are prescriptivist. i also, uh, can't move, because i don't have a job, i also can't dress and act the way i like because it's a conservative society, and i also, don't have friends but i guess those aren't common things. generally, i sort of need to label myself. in a perfect world, i wouldn't label myself, but obviously i need to, uh, be happy inside of this society, so that's not really an option.

Then just stay that way, even if you're faking it, as long as it helps you feel better.

 

[meowpuppy]

Then just stay that way, even if you're faking it, as long as it helps you feel better.

did you, uh, read my post, or just the title? /gen

 

[Secro]

did you, uh, read my post, or just the title? /gen

Yes, but I meant that it doesn't matter if you fake it.

 

[meowpuppy]

Yes, but I meant that it doesn't matter if you fake it.

like, if i fake being non-binary, this weird flavour of enby? it does, i talked about that in the post. it will affect how people see me, i literally won't be a girl in most people's eyes if i decide to explore this weird version of gender. i'll, basically, just be treated by people as an abomination, even if in reality i'm closer to girlhood than they think.

 

[Secro]

like, if i fake being non-binary, this weird flavour of enby? it does, i talked about that in the post. it will affect how people see me, i literally won't be a girl in most people's eyes if i decide to explore this weird version of gender. i'll, basically, just be treated by people as an abomination, even if in reality i'm closer to girlhood than they think.

You don't have to change your body to be non-binary.

 

[meowpuppy]

You don't have to change your body to be non-binary.

i think we have completely different views on what gender is and how it functions in society that can't be bridged

 

[Secro]

i think we have completely different views on what gender is and how it functions in society that can't be bridged

I agree, I probably haven't given it as much thought as you have, which is why I don't understand you 100%, but I still maintain that society cannot force you to be something you don't want to be.
There will always be people who are not prejudiced.

 

[revivals]

i feel a lot of the same way! im a trans nonbinary man so i face less challenges getting hrt and such but i feel like i have to have a forward facing gender for society at large, and then a gender for cis queer people, and a gender for other trans people, and then finally the gender that i actually am and never have the time or words to really express. its also hard wanting to be seen as not just a man but feeling like if i give cis society any wiggle room on gendering me as male all i will get to be is female (which i wouldnt even neccesarily be opposed to if i knew people were seeing the WHOLE me, which i know they arent.) its easy to feel like you cant win. being around other nonbinary people even just on social media helped me a lot.

 

[LostHighway]

it's really not that simple.. labels are obviously important, even if they aren't something that are prescriptivist. i also, uh, can't move, because i don't have a job, i also can't dress and act the way i like because it's a conservative society, and i also, don't have friends but i guess those aren't common things. generally, i sort of need to label myself. in a perfect world, i wouldn't label myself, but obviously i need to, uh, be happy inside of this society, so that's not really an option.

So, maybe you're a binary trans. Nothing at all wrong with that. And that might change one day, or it won't. The most concerning issue for me is that you don't have a job and have no friends and are living in an unaccepting area. That must be so incredibly painful. So, what action steps can you take to try to extricate yourself from that situation? Why do you think you don't have any friends? Did you have friends when you were a kid? If so, find that part of you again. That core of who you are. I keep mentioning Maya Angelou's famous quote that changed my life: "We teach people how to treat us." The minute I took that in, I recognized how my self-victimization scared people off. That may or may not have something to do with why you don't have friends. Do you have Meetup in your area? That might be a way to meet new people.

Why don't you have a job? Are you able to work? If so, can you go and apply for a basic job? And then learn a new skill? Your world will open up to you if you work. You'll meet new people, feel proud of your accomplishments, feel like you're contributing to your own mental health and society.

Visualize a way OUT: I live in a real progressive area. We don't bat an eye at someone whose gender we can't identify. Any cool, progressive place with tons of fun things to do and interesting people to meet is expensive. But you could get a roommate, or work in exchange for rent. Hustle. Pick up side gigs. Become a professional cuddler (!) , start a dog walking or pet sitting business, etc. Heck, go to Florida and become a rookie crew member on a boat, and get immersed in that world for a while. I'm asking you to expand your options. Whatever you love doing or are drawn to, see if there's a profession associated with it, and start working for it from the ground up.

I'm telling you all the things I didn't do in my long life. I did have some achievements. I backpacked through Europe on my own for 5 or 6 months, drove a VW bus through Mexico for 3 months. Then my dreams of travel ground to a halt. I gave up. I gave in to my self limiting thoughts. The Maya Angelou quote helped me make friends. I should have used it to help me learn a new trade. I'm old. It's too late for me. But it is not too late for you. Or at least I hope not.

Binary trans. Cool. I like it.