I feel like I want to die today (Depressive cycle sucks)

[TiredofLife-Thanks]

At the moment, I feel hopeless and suicidal and I need someone to help me organize and rethink my life or decisions before I do something on impulse.
Well, a summary of my life:
I'm 24 years old and I have bipolar disorder. My disorder was recently diagnosed (about 6 months) and I'm taking lithium - I'm still very unstable. At first, I was diagnosed with depression after attempting suicide at the age of 14. My parents denied the attempt to be hospitalized and so did the depression. I went to therapy for more than 7 years (currently I'm not doing it) e after the age of 18, I took several medications without improvement. With the suicide attempt I developed PTSD, anxiety disorder (that's why I haven't committed suicide yet, whenever I think about death I have panic attacks) and cardiac arrhythmia.
After I finished high school, I did, with a lot of effort, a professional course and after completion I started working in a medical clinic (I worked for 2 and a half years). It was an extremely physically and mentally demanding job. My boss was abusive and I was always doped on benzodiazepines. I couldn't stand the situation anymore and resigned. I lived and still live with my mother and brother, and I still haven't found a job. In 6 months I went through 5 interviews and honestly I have no hope of finding a job this year. Not only because of the job market, but because of my mental state.
I honestly wanted to just study. My only dream in life was to go to college. I live in a very poor country and I didn't receive the basic education properly. Entrance exams are extremely difficult here, some areas are so competitive that there are more than 2000 people per vacancy.
For many years I feel that I have lived enough. Since I was a child, I have felt that the only alternative is death. But why now, with the method in hand, do I hesitate? What's good about staying at home weighing on death? Perhaps, committing suicide on impulse is a good thing. I am already in pain, as long as no one finds me, death will come.

Ps: I'm sorry, I don't know if my post classifies as suicide discussion or recovery.
Ps2: English is not my first language, sorry.

 

[DivineSpark]

I am in pain and agony as well, for last 8 years, recently it has gotten worse. I am consider telling someone in real life about my suicidal thoughts. Although I dont want to make anyone worried.

 

[FoxSauce]

Im deeply sorry you feel that way.

Its really difficult to struggle with a mental illness I wish I could say stay positve and good things will come but thats not the case nor it would be helpful.

Looking for jobs these days are super difficult and ik it can be really frustrating that you want to move forward in life but your just stuck.

Idk if this would help but I learned that at least your trying even when it's not easy. Take it day by day.

Idk im bad at these kinds of things I'm sorry but I hope you'll feel better I really do.

 

[Someplace_nice]

You can always find an easier job or one in the same field but in a different way, there are always different ways to go but, not all of them are obvious nor in your reach. If you've a good standing with your mom ask her for help and tell her about your thoughts, you can always try to find a new therapist and that might help. I wish you the best and I hope you find a good path to walk on. We might not get to do want we'd like but it means there's a different path that's better for us down the line.

 

[Cauliflour]

I heard it's easier to get a job if you have connections to someone in said job so take that what you will.

 

[Parnate]

I started herbal medicine and was felt free of depression for a day. But slowly the depression is creeping back.
Everything seems futile.
I also have therapy but not much help yet. It's been fourteen years .

 

[Parnate]

At the moment, I feel hopeless and suicidal and I need someone to help me organize and rethink my life or decisions before I do something on impulse.
Well, a summary of my life:
I'm 24 years old and I have bipolar disorder. My disorder was recently diagnosed (about 6 months) and I'm taking lithium - I'm still very unstable. At first, I was diagnosed with depression after attempting suicide at the age of 14. My parents denied the attempt to be hospitalized and so did the depression. I went to therapy for more than 7 years (currently I'm not doing it) e after the age of 18, I took several medications without improvement. With the suicide attempt I developed PTSD, anxiety disorder (that's why I haven't committed suicide yet, whenever I think about death I have panic attacks) and cardiac arrhythmia.
After I finished high school, I did, with a lot of effort, a professional course and after completion I started working in a medical clinic (I worked for 2 and a half years). It was an extremely physically and mentally demanding job. My boss was abusive and I was always doped on benzodiazepines. I couldn't stand the situation anymore and resigned. I lived and still live with my mother and brother, and I still haven't found a job. In 6 months I went through 5 interviews and honestly I have no hope of finding a job this year. Not only because of the job market, but because of my mental state.
I honestly wanted to just study. My only dream in life was to go to college. I live in a very poor country and I didn't receive the basic education properly. Entrance exams are extremely difficult here, some areas are so competitive that there are more than 2000 people per vacancy.
For many years I feel that I have lived enough. Since I was a child, I have felt that the only alternative is death. But why now, with the method in hand, do I hesitate? What's good about staying at home weighing on death? Perhaps, committing suicide on impulse is a good thing. I am already in pain, as long as no one finds me, death will come.

Ps: I'm sorry, I don't know if my post classifies as suicide discussion or recovery.
Ps2: English is not my first language, sorry.

I don't know what country you are from but herbal medicine can help. It is helpful somewhat in my case . I have depression btw, not bipolar.

 

[rururiruru]

it is tunnelling my vision
some random harmless thing, always, my trigger