I feel like I am in suicide limbo... I hate this feeling

[lifecouldbedream]

I attempted to seriously kill myself about twice now... although over a dozen times if you count experimental attempts with partial hanging, as I never backed out just wasn't able to get it right. What got me to stop attempting were these visions of my family finding me dead and wailing over my body. I still get these visions frequently and while its traumatizing I suppose its the only thing keeping me going. However I am still very suicidal. I have no real friends, I have acquaintances in school but the majority of the time they just ignore me and use me as a punching bag in conversation. My home life is terrible, there are 10 people here who were all failures and need to live in my grandmother's house, all together. There are loud screaming fights almost everyday as virtually all of the adults are alcoholics with some form of trauma disorder. Some days the house will be quiet for a period of time and I will feel happy, and then a screaming match will break out and I will genuinely plan suicide all night and skip school the next day because I can't handle doing any assignments or being around other people. Additionally I am 90% certain I am undiagnosed autistic or have some form of neurodivergence as I have multiple sensory issues and cannot stand being around people, which is why I feel like living in a house cramped with so many aggressive people hits me tenfold more.

This feeling of being in "suicide limbo" as I call it is very horrible. Despite having frequent suicidal thoughts and sometimes actively planning out a method and thinking of gathering materials for an attempt I feel like I will never do it. The only reason my 2 serious attempts failed were not because it was an inefficient method, but simply because I backed out midway through due to survival instincts. The feeling of being seconds away from death and being in control of it is extremely terrifying. I never want to experience it again and as such feel like I won't be able to attempt again, even though I want to die so badly.

 

[medicinenightmares]

I have that same feeling of suicide limbo. I'm stuck between this do I want to live or die realm. Do I try one more time to get help or do I give up and end it all. It is a tough place to be. I hope you find peace.

 

[timf]

I got a full time second shift job as a way to get out of a hostile environment when I was in high school.

If you are unable to make use of something like a job to get away from a peak time of aggravation (such as evenings), you might find an activity like volunteer work, reading groups (usually listed at a local library), or even church activity ( I hate to suggest a false faith, but talking to others about Jesus can be a sure way to make sure they avoid you).

You might want to consider that a focus on suicide tends to neglect other options and can make a difficult situation seem more hopeless.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you are going through this. I can imagine it must be dreadful not wanting to live but at the same time being unable to die. I know it can be horrible living a life filled with suffering. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[brainpain2]

Been in it for years. Even been sitting on N the whole time. Every now and then I get a little optimistic and then it always ends up being a joke. My issues are not conducive to being a functional human being