i fear i might not be able to love again

[idontfeellikeimreal]

i do have in fact people to talk to but they will not understand me.
My ex was abusive and r-worded me 6 times. I can't get him off my mind, i does catch up to me every night. Out of nowhere. I dont want to be in a relationship right now. I just want to have non-sexual physical touch with someone that makes me feel safe.
I dont wanna use anyone just because someone has been treating me like shit. I cant fall for anyone in a romantic way at the moment. It just feels like i admire them and like them but thats where it stops. I dont actually catch any feelings.
I want to love, but it will never be like it was before.
I always consider ending my life but at the same time I want to fight. I dont want revenge, I want peace.
I feel so used and I feel dirty. I wish this wouldve never happened but i couldnt stop him. Before we were together he was so nice and respectful. Why did he change all of a sudden.

 

[ShatteredSerenity]

Sorry you had to go through all that.

My situation is different but there are some similarities.

My wife left me after 20 years with no notice right after I got out of spending a week in the hospital. She could be cold and emotionally abusive. I worked so hard to be giving and supportive of her, and I got hostility and rejection in return. She told people lies about me, like she claimed I was isolating her when in fact I was actively helping her to make multiple new friendships.

The pain of betrayal is almost constantly present in my heart now, and I don't think I could ever truly heal from this.

I want to meet somebody new and love again, but the trauma from that relationship on top of other problems in my life leaves me too broken for a relationship.