Venting I failed at FSH last night

[LakeMungoGirl]

Had my noose set up over a door, with a rolled up towel on the other side to keep it in place. The set-up was perfect; I had the correct amount of rope to ensure that the weight from my body wouldn't stretch it enough to allow my to feet touch the floor. The knots were tied as directed by users on this site. All I had to do was step off the chair, so I did. I think I passed out, but when I regained consciousness SI had kicked in and my feet were back on the chair, my hands were at my neck and without conscious input I was struggling to get the rope off while my throat produced gurgling sounds that felt like they belonged to someone else. I feared that if I couldn't loosen the rope I would die slowly and painfully on that chair.

I finally got it off and collapsed onto my bed. I haven't cried once since the incident; I don't feel much at all, but the memory of what it felt like to be strangled by that rope is flayed into my brain. I don't know if it's ethically sound of me to try and articulate what it feels like to hang yourself for those who haven't already tried it. I don't want to scare anyone off from attempting themselves and successfully escaping this Hell. But I'll just say this: For those initial few seconds, you are conscious and fully aware of what is going on. I don't know the exact amount of time it takes for your body to finally black-out- Maybe ten seconds, maybe thirty, if you do it right- but I know that it can't come soon enough.

Maybe I'm just a hedonistic coward, but I don't know if I'm strong enough to endure that for a second time, even if I actually kicked the chair. I feel like I'm trapped in Hell. Life is hell. Awareness of it is Hell. I almost wish I had sustained brain damage from the experience. Maybe suffering from total retardation would cure me of the ability to perceive and experience existence in a conscious capacity. Maybe I'd wake up one day on my deathbed, stupid and happy and having lived a full life without even realizing it.

Why is killing yourself so hard?

 

[AgathaChristieLover]

It's a bit ironic, people die every day from the stupidest things, broken gas ovens accidental electrocution, but when people who want to die try to die it fails. Run on sentence I know. I'm no psychologist, but it sounds like you might have ptsd from the incident

 

[LakeMungoGirl]

It's a bit ironic, people die every day from the stupidest things, broken gas ovens accidental electrocution, but when people who want to die try to die it fails. Run on sentence I know. I'm no psychologist, but it sounds like you might have ptsd from the incident

You're right, it's incredibly ironic and just another example of how unfair life in general is. I already have C-PTSD from being abused as a kid so it makes little difference to me whether I'm traumatized from this incident. Just more fuel to the fire.

 

[AgathaChristieLover]

You're right, it's incredibly ironic and just another example of how unfair life in general is. I already have C-PTSD from being abused as a kid so it makes little difference to me whether I'm traumatized from this incident. Just more fuel to the fire.

I love lake mungo, it's a great movie. I think I might also have C-ptsd but I haven't been formally diagnosed

 

[LakeMungoGirl]

I love lake mungo, it's a great movie.

Agreed. It's a very underrated film, imo.

I think I might also have C-ptsd but I haven't been formally diagnosed

I'm sorry to hear that. It can be difficult for doctors to take it seriously, especially since it's considered a novel term. I'm formally diagnosed with PTSD as I don't believe C-PTSD is even recognized in the DSM-5 yet, but I know it's what I have.