Venting I don't want to live but I'm afraid to die

[fallingleaves]

Typical, I'm sure. Maybe that means I'm not as serious as I think, but I've gotten close to impulsively hanging myself a few times recently. I wish life could have been different. I wish I could see a way forward that isn't just pain and isolation. I wish I could be loved. I wish I had a family I could feel okay even speaking to. I've alienated almost everyone around me by making the horrible mistake of actually asking for help, support and companionship. Almost nobody wants to be around me. I have a couple long distance friends but that's not enough. I've been through hell for years. I've been subjected to horrible violations recently, in the realms of sexual harassment/assault, as well as a month ago having to literally flee from the cops after someone called them on me when I reached out for help. (I got away though! HA.) Obviously that only makes me want to die more. I feel paralyzed in action. I've barely left my apartment for weeks. I just want things to be better but they don't get better. I've fought so hard and this is all I have to show for it? I want people to come back. I'm not the monster people seem to think I am. I like people so much?! But I don't want them to hurt me anymore. And I don't want to be isolated anymore. I'm very hurt and I fucking need help. I don't know how to make this pain stop. I often describe myself as having both C-PTSD and regular, run of the mill PTSD. Right now it's almost time to start drinking and taking benzos/pregabalin again. Then I'll just be numb I guess. I barely even remember any of the media I consume anymore.

This is a cry for help knowing it's basically just void.

I could have really been someone if things had turned out differently. Now I can barely get through each day. My will to keep going dies a little every day. But I'm still surprised how much survival instinct there is left.

 

[zekeyaeger]

This is me basically. SI is holding me here.