Venting I don't want to kill myself anymore. what now?

[avstin]

I feel empty. I'm taking lots of meds now; I'm calm now, calmer than I've been in years. my head's silent. I don't want to die but I'm not living either and so now I have to accept the fact that I will keep on simply existing. I have diagnosed depression, bpd and adhd and now I come to realize that these disorders were the only thing making me "me". I don't know what now. I didn't plan on getting help and I don't know what to do with it. I didn't plan on making it to the end of college and now I don't know what comes after that. my relationship is finally healthy and happy but I don't really exist outside of it. I spend my days waiting for my partner to come home just so I don't feel alone. I've always wanted everyone to leave me alone and they did and I am happy with it - they only made me angry and miserable, but I do not know how to exist as a person without others defining me. I'm not even seeking advice but maybe someone knows this feeling, it's just so quiet now

 

[NZkiwi]

Before enlightenment, chop wood, carry water

After enlightenment, chop wood, carry water

Wishing you all the best on your journey

 

[PeaceSeeker83]

Just sit back and have a chuckle at clown world. Boofheads having kids, people arguing over trivial things, politicians further ruining the world etc etc.

 

[ConfusedClouds]

I really relate to this. Kinda somehow found myself in a calm state where I somehow have an ideal flat of my own and secure yet easy job. But. Its just autopilot. I've never been able to see far into the future (e.g making any form of committments/plans), but instead of that being in an aggressive/destructive 'I won't be here' way, its 'meh, don't care, don't even know. If I ever get into a mindspace of 'thinking', 99% the time it ends in spiralling and nothing helpful. I just force myself to keep my head down and stop thinking. And don't get asked questions by anyone!