Cosmiq
Student
- May 7, 2020
- 197
Yesterday morning started with me getting an email I from a job I got an offer for in March, with them saying they still wanted me to come in but now the pay rate was significantly lower. I actually didn't lose my job to COVID-19, but left it for this other company that was gonna pay more. Now they wanna offer me pay lower than I initially made.
-Then I spent the day doing gig food delivery to have just enough money to scrape by for a bill today.
-After my last delivery last night, my motorcycle ran out of gas and I barely made it to a gas station. But then my battery went out, I'm pretty sure I need a new one. Not to mention, my car just stopped working this past weekend.
-I had to wait an hour and a half to have it towed home, only to come home at nearly midnight to a 3-day notice on my door for eviction. Which felt completely out of place as I'd been in touch with the management office since the end of March, and we talked about payments and everything.
My reasons for wanting to die weren't always tied to me having the shittiest things happening to me. I just felt like I'd always die by my own hand or recklessness. In the past 2-3 years though things have taken a drastic turn where the luck in my life seemed to run out. And I went from having just that feeling with an okay life to hitting rock bottom. I can't return to living with my parents, especially while not employed, they're energy makes me feel worse even when we're on good terms. This all just pushes my plans up further.
I don't want the hassle of today and calling my management office pretending I want to go on, when I'm ready to just dip out right now. I don't want to have be on hold with my insurance so I can get my prescription meds. I don't want to struggle and with these things like I'm trying to live and improve my life anymore, because I'm not. Part of me just wants to say fuck trying to get anything in order and just hang myself over my balcony. Part of me wants to push myself closer to rock bottom, by going to the hospital, going to a place that traumatized me most just to add some more punishment to my life.
-Then I spent the day doing gig food delivery to have just enough money to scrape by for a bill today.
-After my last delivery last night, my motorcycle ran out of gas and I barely made it to a gas station. But then my battery went out, I'm pretty sure I need a new one. Not to mention, my car just stopped working this past weekend.
-I had to wait an hour and a half to have it towed home, only to come home at nearly midnight to a 3-day notice on my door for eviction. Which felt completely out of place as I'd been in touch with the management office since the end of March, and we talked about payments and everything.
My reasons for wanting to die weren't always tied to me having the shittiest things happening to me. I just felt like I'd always die by my own hand or recklessness. In the past 2-3 years though things have taken a drastic turn where the luck in my life seemed to run out. And I went from having just that feeling with an okay life to hitting rock bottom. I can't return to living with my parents, especially while not employed, they're energy makes me feel worse even when we're on good terms. This all just pushes my plans up further.
I don't want the hassle of today and calling my management office pretending I want to go on, when I'm ready to just dip out right now. I don't want to have be on hold with my insurance so I can get my prescription meds. I don't want to struggle and with these things like I'm trying to live and improve my life anymore, because I'm not. Part of me just wants to say fuck trying to get anything in order and just hang myself over my balcony. Part of me wants to push myself closer to rock bottom, by going to the hospital, going to a place that traumatized me most just to add some more punishment to my life.
