Venting I dont want to get better anymore.

[WordV0mit]

Sorry for how unstructured this is I just have a lot i havent been able to get off my chest

Im so fucking sick of trying to get better. Its the same thing every time, work on myself, feel great for a while, start to fall into a depression, inevitably relapse or suffer an agonizing depressive episode until I do, back at square one. Whats the point of getting better if im just gonna end up as sad and desperate for death as before. Yeah sure I may never achieve my goals if I kill myself, I have an unfinished music project that will never see the light of day if I end things now, I have friends and a lover who would be devastated, but honestly im getting to a point where I dont know if all of that is enough to keep me going. I have lost all sense of an emotional outlet. My bf and I need time apart because he is growing way to emotionaly attached to me and its becoming emotional ly draining for me to be his only source of happiness and comfort so talking to him isnt an option and if it was would it change. He wouldnt bring anything to the table, just say they same shit I've heard before if anything at all. It would probably just weigh on him more than anything. My friends have little to no interest in me part from id say 3, but my off I know is going through I rough time and I eont want to put an active suicide risk on her plate of worries, another is incredibly stressed out with summer classes and collage applications because hes a fucking nerd (love him) and the other i dont feel comfortable just venting to just yet (we are just starting to get rlly close) I have no family who gives a damn about ME and my therapist I dont see til another week and she isnt the most helpful to be honest. Shes great dont get me wrong but sometimes all she has to say is shit I already know. So im left to deal with this on my own. Ive been incredibly apathetic lazy and depressed recently, and my gender dysphoria is actually starting to kill me I sware. Everything feels so meaningless and falls on a scale from pathetic to disgusting. I finally relapsed today after a week of struggling not to, but since my bf threw away my razor a while back I had to walk outside at 5 am with an old candle to throw onto the sidewalk just to have a peace of broken glass to cut myself, isnt that just pathetic. Im probably gonna go again after I type this, it didnt do anything. I need to bleed more I didnt hurt myself enough to make me feel good. I know im rambling on but I havent been able to speak about anything in so long u feel like im losing it. I just want to kill myself but I know im too much of a fucking loser to actually do it. Every time I tried has gone nowhere close and I have ended up hospitalized (mental hospital not like actual hospital) twice for it. All i can do is spend my days wishing for something to kill me like a worthless fucking lazy peice of shit. I dont know what im even looking for by posting this. I dont think I want device, but I dont really want pitty either. I think I just want attention, I want people to know im struggling. Thats selfish and pathetic though. All of tha T just to come out as a good for nothing attention seeking whore but its true, thats why im doing this im pretty sure. Whatever ill just go back to cutting, trying everything out isn't helping. I'll probably start posting regularly again because I have nothing better to fucking do. Bye

 

[thekop85]

Sorry for how unstructured this is I just have a lot i havent been able to get off my chest

Im so fucking sick of trying to get better. Its the same thing every time, work on myself, feel great for a while, start to fall into a depression, inevitably relapse or suffer an agonizing depressive episode until I do, back at square one. Whats the point of getting better if im just gonna end up as sad and desperate for death as before. Yeah sure I may never achieve my goals if I kill myself, I have an unfinished music project that will never see the light of day if I end things now, I have friends and a lover who would be devastated, but honestly im getting to a point where I dont know if all of that is enough to keep me going. I have lost all sense of an emotional outlet. My bf and I need time apart because he is growing way to emotionaly attached to me and its becoming emotional ly draining for me to be his only source of happiness and comfort so talking to him isnt an option and if it was would it change. He wouldnt bring anything to the table, just say they same shit I've heard before if anything at all. It would probably just weigh on him more than anything. My friends have little to no interest in me part from id say 3, but my off I know is going through I rough time and I eont want to put an active suicide risk on her plate of worries, another is incredibly stressed out with summer classes and collage applications because hes a fucking nerd (love him) and the other i dont feel comfortable just venting to just yet (we are just starting to get rlly close) I have no family who gives a damn about ME and my therapist I dont see til another week and she isnt the most helpful to be honest. Shes great dont get me wrong but sometimes all she has to say is shit I already know. So im left to deal with this on my own. Ive been incredibly apathetic lazy and depressed recently, and my gender dysphoria is actually starting to kill me I sware. Everything feels so meaningless and falls on a scale from pathetic to disgusting. I finally relapsed today after a week of struggling not to, but since my bf threw away my razor a while back I had to walk outside at 5 am with an old candle to throw onto the sidewalk just to have a peace of broken glass to cut myself, isnt that just pathetic. Im probably gonna go again after I type this, it didnt do anything. I need to bleed more I didnt hurt myself enough to make me feel good. I know im rambling on but I havent been able to speak about anything in so long u feel like im losing it. I just want to kill myself but I know im too much of a fucking loser to actually do it. Every time I tried has gone nowhere close and I have ended up hospitalized (mental hospital not like actual hospital) twice for it. All i can do is spend my days wishing for something to kill me like a worthless fucking lazy peice of shit. I dont know what im even looking for by posting this. I dont think I want device, but I dont really want pitty either. I think I just want attention, I want people to know im struggling. Thats selfish and pathetic though. All of tha T just to come out as a good for nothing attention seeking whore but its true, thats why im doing this im pretty sure. Whatever ill just go back to cutting, trying everything out isn't helping. I'll probably start posting regularly again because I have nothing better to fucking do. Bye

I understand.
Every day is so painful for me, too.
Far from moving forward, I can't even stay afloat—
I'm sinking deeper every day...
I know that if I keep holding on like this, all that awaits me is even greater despair,
so I just want to end it all now.
You know how I feel, right?

 

[starboy2k]

yea definitely understand.

you try to better yourself on your own, and you feel like you're in a shitty hamster wheel.

you try to take other people's advice on bettering yourself too, just for them to play the amnesia game when their "advice" backfires for you and gets you nowhere.

then you finally make some sort of progress, and then realize you have to keep up with this shit for 40-60 more years

then also realize that "bettering yourself" is just societies unwritten rules on upholding ridiculous expectations that very few can accomplish and thats by fucking design.

and finally you come to the conclusion that if it can get "better" it can also get "worse" and that uncertainty (ESPECIALLY IN A WORLD LIKE THIS) is just not enough to keep every beating heart going.

trust me I understand and this shit is borderline useless……….

 

[TAW122]

I felt the same way, at least strongly and consistently over the past decade. I may have deferred and postponed my (inevitable) CTB, but at some point, and most likely sooner than later, I will follow through with my deed (once I'm fully ready and that the time is right - I NEVER want to rush things or halfheartedly attempt something as major and one of the most important acts in my life, it will be carefully and deliberately planned to the exact detail to my standards and such).

 

[WordV0mit]

I understand.
Every day is so painful for me, too.
Far from moving forward, I can't even stay afloat—
I'm sinking deeper every day...
I know that if I keep holding on like this, all that awaits me is even greater despair,
so I just want to end it all now.
You know how I feel, right?

Yeah I understand. Sometimes im lucky if I even do something other than lay in bed and play video games TvT. Recently I've been needing excessive amounts of caffeine just to not have a mental breakdown. Im not sure what awaits me when I do get "better" anyway but I know ill never truly be fixed no matter how hard I try. It all seems so pointless yk?