I don't want to die mentally, but my chronic illness has ruined my life

[lapislazu]

I know life can be good. After years of struggling with depression, I was finally able to pull myself out of it and realize that, as long as I had myself, I would be ok.

However, I no longer "have myself". After an accident last year, I have developed an extremely painful chronic illness - CRPS (complex regional pain syndrome). The excrutiating pain started in my left knee, but the pain then spread to my right knee in January, and now it's spread to both of my ankles. This disease is slowly claiming me, but it will never kill me. It will just make my life more and more miserable until I can't walk, can't sleep, can't breathe without experiencing this unbelievable burning pain.

It's such a shame because I want to live. I want to experience life normally, with its normal ups and downs. But this is anything but normal. I can't fight through the ups and downs of life with a crippling disability. I don't know what to do other than die. I can't live like this. I'm only 23, I was supposed to have my whole life ahead of me, so many important moments to experience. But with chronic illness, it's about accepting that it simply wont get better. My life is altered permanently and I dont want it anymore

 

[WhiteRabbit]

I can relate to this. I have an autoimmune disease and horrible nerve pain in my lower body. I also want to live, but can't because of incurable illness and pain. I've been in pain management for years with only mild relief. I don't want to live like this, and yet I can't seem to pull the trigger and die.

 

[AllHopeIsLost]

Feeling this way also. Two catastrophic mistakes have led to 10 years of deteriorating health. All the experiences missed, becoming a burden to my family and friends. Knowing I can never again become the person I was before. No energy, unable to think clearly, chronic pain and now I've realised worse of all is the insomnia and having no temporary escape at night and having to face the following day tired having had poor sleep. Also no official diagnosis so until that point most people probably believe I'm crazy. I desperately don't want to ruin my families life by ending it but there comes a limit on how much suffering an individual is willing to experience.

 

[mirage]

I'm in the same boat with an illness that has made life unlivable. I have accepted my fate as there's nothing I can do to change it and this has made it psychologically easier to deal with it and be content while I am here for my remaining time. I try to think that there's always someone in a worse position, so I try to look on the bright side.

 

[quietbird]

I know life can be good. After years of struggling with depression, I was finally able to pull myself out of it and realize that, as long as I had myself, I would be ok.

However, I no longer "have myself". After an accident last year, I have developed an extremely painful chronic illness - CRPS (complex regional pain syndrome). The excrutiating pain started in my left knee, but the pain then spread to my right knee in January, and now it's spread to both of my ankles. This disease is slowly claiming me, but it will never kill me. It will just make my life more and more miserable until I can't walk, can't sleep, can't breathe without experiencing this unbelievable burning pain.

It's such a shame because I want to live. I want to experience life normally, with its normal ups and downs. But this is anything but normal. I can't fight through the ups and downs of life with a crippling disability. I don't know what to do other than die. I can't live like this. I'm only 23, I was supposed to have my whole life ahead of me, so many important moments to experience. But with chronic illness, it's about accepting that it simply wont get better. My life is altered permanently and I dont want it anymore

This breaks my heart. I am so sorry. I would hope they could give you something to ease the pain... it seems so terrible that they don't. I want you to live because you do still want to live. Though I also can't imagine the pain and fear you must feel. I would perhaps keep seeing if there are options for help that you haven't been presented with yet? Sometimes you have to be pushy and to seek second opinions. Maybe see if there's things on the horizon that they have optimism for in terms of future treatment options? Hug.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

It really sucks that you have to suffer from such a disease in young age.

I can relate although I'm more than double your age and our situations are totally different.

It's the worst if we wanna live but uncontrollable circumstances make our lives bad so we end up contemplating suicide to be relieved from our pain.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you have to suffer so much in this existence, it's just so cruel to me how there's all this pain and suffering with no limit as to how much agony one can feel but anyway I wish you the best.

 

[lapislazu]

Thank you so much to everyone who has replied to this, either relating or offering sympathy. It means the world. When I am mentally capable I will reply to these. Thank you for the support when I otherwise feel so alone battling this

 

[seizmic_purple]

I'm in the same boat and relate to your post completely. I'm so sorry this has happened to you at such a young age.
For me, I feel like every day is a round-table negotiation between me, my body, and death, until I ultimately gain the courage to stop negotiating. There will not be any other kind of future for me except suffering, and it is just not worth it.
I think people in my life would never understand or accept my attitude, as if there is an implicit virtue or value in suffering. Maybe there is, but I strongly believe it is on us and us alone to decide about that.

I hope SaSu will help you cope. I found in it a place of non-judgement and understanding I never hoped to find.
All the best for you.

 

[AllWentWrong]

My life came to a sudden standstill last October. I still have things lying around that are frozen in time from my past relatively happy life. I'm trying get rid of reminders. They hurt too much.

Now I am getting repeat infections and I'm not sure they will be treatable for long.

Maybe this is useless info, maybe it will help. There are holistic practitioners who treat sensitive individuals. It is a category based on genetics. These are chiropractors, naturopath or MD's that deal with complex illness.

You do a genetic test with 23 and me. Put it through an algorithm for genetic detoxification and you get some clues what to fix. I have a very bad problem using vitamin d and have poor detox in certain areas.

 

[Ariel1]

I can relate to so much of what everyone is saying. Mistakes that have ruined my health and my life. Not being able to look at old pictures or other things that remind me of my life before I got sick. There seems to be no going back, even though I keep trying everything in my power to make things better. I can't help but hope there will be some magic cure, but it's starting to look like ctb is my only escape.

 

[mourningyesterday]

I can relate to so much of what everyone is saying. Mistakes that have ruined my health and my life. Not being able to look at old pictures or other things that remind me of my life before I got sick. There seems to be no going back, even though I keep trying everything in my power to make things better. I can't help but hope there will be some magic cure, but it's starting to look like ctb is my only escape.

i feel the same, im haunted by memories of the past where i was healthy and could do the things i love

 

[lemonandcapers]

I am sorry you have to go through this. I can't imagine how much the pain must be to drive you to CTB.

I can't relate fully, but I have a chronic illness too. I was diagnosed at 18 and lost my college years to going from specialist to specialist, having to go into hiding because getting sick can make it worse, and realizing that I will never be able to be cured.

 

[cemeteryismyhome]

Sorry to be a sentimental old guy here, I know that can be annoying... I have kids who are young adults and it breaks my heart to read about people their age with these health problems. I've known people in their 20's who were injured but somehow their young bodies were able to cope or improve and they do ok now. That's my attempt to be positive. Next up: It is deeply saddening to feel that you're going to miss out on life's experiences. I'm here to say that they're not that great and kind of meaningless. Of course it's not fair for me to say that, because you might want to go through them too to see for yourself. I'm just sad at reading your post and others in similar circumstances. I don't blame you for wanting to not play this game anymore.

 

[tryme]

I didn't ask to be born, to suffer, and to die painfully. But it was all forced upon me. Chronic illness, i dont know how many of them i have because i can't even afford to diagnose or treat anything. I wasted all my money on this so called 'medicine' and im a hundred times sicker than before. Im basically disabled but nobody will ever admit that. Personally I've become a slave to the only thing i liked, fictional worlds, liked everything about fiction and hated everything about reality, it had to end this way with the way i've been living. The past before you lose your health is so different and distant now that it doesn't feel like the same life or that it ever happened. Once you lose your health you lose everything and you are just a husk waiting to die.

 

[Alexandra0]

It is unfair that at such a young age you have to endure such terrible pain. I also have problems with the joints in my legs and not only. At home, I almost always tie elastic bandages on the joints in my legs and fix them with safety pins. How unbearably sad it is to hear that you want to live, but the disease does not allow you to do so

 

[sunnyside]

Just wanted to say that I'm sorry and that I relate
I'm 22 and have been bedridden for two years. I can't do anything besides be on my phone sometimes which is getting harder because I'm also losing my vision.

It's really though. Actually wanting to live but not wanting to suffer. A big dillema

 

[Linda]

I know life can be good. After years of struggling with depression, I was finally able to pull myself out of it and realize that, as long as I had myself, I would be ok.

However, I no longer "have myself". After an accident last year, I have developed an extremely painful chronic illness - CRPS (complex regional pain syndrome). The excrutiating pain started in my left knee, but the pain then spread to my right knee in January, and now it's spread to both of my ankles. This disease is slowly claiming me, but it will never kill me. It will just make my life more and more miserable until I can't walk, can't sleep, can't breathe without experiencing this unbelievable burning pain.

It's such a shame because I want to live. I want to experience life normally, with its normal ups and downs. But this is anything but normal. I can't fight through the ups and downs of life with a crippling disability. I don't know what to do other than die. I can't live like this. I'm only 23, I was supposed to have my whole life ahead of me, so many important moments to experience. But with chronic illness, it's about accepting that it simply wont get better. My life is altered permanently and I dont want it anymore

There does't seem to be any really effective treatment, but there is a chance that your condition will heal by itself. It does sometimes happen. If it does heal spontaneously, you must be careful to avoid further injuries in future, as they could start it off again.
But if it doesn't heal, you are in a difficult situation. If you were to decide to ctb, I think everyone would understand.

 

[adoptedpain]

God do I identify with this. Had back to back car accidents with no insurance, no job, pain all over and couch surfing while applying to jobs. The physical and mental anguish is beyond comprehension at this point, which is how I found this site as a safe haven to express deep pain leading to chronic despair with ctb feeling like the only option. Life hurts more than it ever has in my life. I'm older, have been through hell numerous times and am in such a desperate place in need of life support lines. Very real, very sober, and trying to fight against the current. As I try hard to turn everything around with no family support and very limited friends/resources - if anyone can spare anything, I've never begged for anything and any Venmo just to survive at this point could be life saving as I continue job hunting, sleeping at a friends moms place and another friends couch so not overstay my welcome anywhere even though I just feel like a burden on life. Nearly fatal car crash head on into double telephone poles and denied medical treatment due to the fear of cost on top of debt that isn't manageable. I've been a helper for so long that this desperate situation hurts and I hate asking for help from anyone, but really trying to get through A LOT at once. If anyone knows how bad it can be, made it through please - I humbly ask for help/support to turn everything around. If I can't get back into a stable place then I've done extensive research on cbt with a note laid out to facilitate and streamline the process so adopted family/local authorities can read what to do if I were to end it all. For me, I would OD with a note for what it's like on the other side when anyone is notified about identifying an individual. That was long, yes - I'm sorry and @jph4444 for anyone willing to help in any capacity. This isn't a scam and after a relapse have been sober 2/9/25 but knowing this is a resource and that was after 8+ years of sobriety a broken engagement being kicked to the literal curb.. again I'm sorry, feel like a burden plagued with guilt. Pain, and agony.. hope to connect more and cautiousl. Anyways I'm sorry

 

[tpboy]

13 years of being confined to the home and now a couple confined to the be. i can relate so much to everyone. im finally getting in the right headspace to cbt. i was always one that never wanted to give up. never wanted to quit. i was in a very bad motorcycle wreck while headed to the gym early one morning. i should have died but did not. then i was diagnosed with ALS because of my brain injury. pain is a staple all day and night. my vision is gone totally in one eye and failing in the other. im thankful for this site and also for the abaility to ctb. i only wish i lived in a part of the world that they would give me assisted death.