I don't want to die, but my mind is pushing me towards it

[painpaingoaway]

I don't want to die. I have a loving wife, a beautiful child and we are building our dream home together as we always wanted. I want to see my children grow, to teach them math, languages, literature, programming, astronomy...

But my mind... Every single waking moment my mind is thinking about suicide. I don't even have any reason for doing so. I actually feel terrible in knowing that many of you are facing such enormous challenges that suicide is the only option left while I have a seemingly perfect life.

I try to push these thoughts away, but it feels like there is another mind dividing the space in my brain. It's not a voice, but all these incessant thoughts a day long trying to push me over the edge.

The only way to muffle them, even for a little while is through pain and blood. Fhe thoughts became so unbearable that I relapsed to cutting. I had promissed my wife years ago that I would stop and I went 3 or 4 years "clean", but I broke that promise.

I don't want to cut myself too, but after an entire day of fighting my own mind, when I cut and see those lovely crimsom pearls appearing I feel an immense relief. It feels like by cutting I'm letting all this pent up anguish leave my body through the cuts.

I don't want to die, and now I'm genuinely scared. My mind keeps thinking about doing it even while I sleep. I just want to be happy and to enjoy my life. I can't kill myself, that would destroy my wife's and my child's life. I love them too much to make them suffer this.

 

[timf]

There are many different thought patterns that people can get locked into. There is usually something that produces anxiety and something that produces a reward. Such thought patterns can become similar to addictions. Since cutting can produce a feeling of control, it may be this need for a sense of control that could be a key to breaking out of this cycle. You might experiment with something as simple as flying a remote control airplane. If your experiments with alternative methods of control are unable to break the cycle, you may want to consider therapy.

 

[R_N]

It is rough when kids are involved. Sisters kids are attached to me and I know they would be devastated when I am gone. Kids are able to like you for who you are if you just spend some time with them and listen/play.

That is life I guess, everyone is bound to lose even if we don't ctb people die and people grieve. It is a normal thing.

Can't even imagine how it is to be a parent. Huge responsibility and your life is not just yours anymore. That is probably how it feels. But I am not a parent so I can only assume.

 

[dmdmdm]

I feel the exact same way... I'm only 18 years old but pretty everything is going well for me in theory. But I just hate existence... Constant thoughts of suicide are melting my brain