Venting I don't want to die, but living is unbearable

[lark]

I've had mental issues ever since I remember my life.
The war, my mother's postpartum depression, all that shit, caused my parents to fight physically almost every day when I was a toddler.
All this shit fucked me up so bad that life has been a constant struggle.
Always just thinking "as soon as I finish X, I can finally calm down and stabilize" and there's always a new X.
And now, almost 30 years old, with a career I can't perform in, BPD diagnosis, I'm again in an acute crisis and I can't function.
Every day feels like I'm waiting for the doom that I don't know when will arrive.

The first time I attempted suicide was in high school, more than 10 years ago.
I used a bungee cord and tried to cut off the blood flow to my head with partial suspension hanging.
But as soon as my lips started getting numb, I got so fucking scared of death that I left it alone and started crying.
I've seen how fucking scary it is to die, and I've realized I'll never have enough courage to try it again.
Some part of me decided to try my best to fix my life, since death is obviously not an option.

Yet, it still gets worse and worse.
I stopped taking my meds, thinking they are hindering me.
Oh boy was I wrong.
The whole thing came back 10x stronger.
I am writing this now, dismissed from work for today, for not being able to do basic cognitive tasks.
I bought a bottle of whiskey and I have a couple blisters of benzos... But I know unreliable those are. And how scared I'd be either way.

I don't know what to do.
Living hurts.
Dying feels fucking scary.
I don't know what to do.

I suppose I'll just keep going for 30-50 more years until I die of natural causes.

 

[Somewhat Suicidal]

First of all dont drink the alcohol with the benzos, you will just feel utterly horrible and it quite dangerous on top, bit definitely not a good option to CTB.

As for the rest, and you're probably gonna hate me saying this: "Get busy living or get busy dying"

Living is suffering yes and I don't know what your resources are to make it better, what opportunities you can take. But probably a first step would be taking the meds that made you feel better. Probably get some therapy or even go for a planned stay in a mental health institution. Researching which is absolutely needed usually to find something that fits your needs. For BPD the DBT model is usually employed as far as I know. Im not gonna lie to you, It's gonna be damn hard work, but it might pay off and it's definitely better than suffering another 30-50 years while things slowly deteriorate further...
Dying on the other hand is the faster way, but not necessarily the better one (not saying living is either). How that works I don't need to explain here, that's what the Ressources in this forum are for.
Which route you take is up to you, but I would encourage you to not stay in the limbo for too long because that is probably the worst of all decisions you could take, as with almost all decisions: No decision at all.

I wish you the best of luck in either case and hope you find peace, whether it be in living or dying.