Venting i don't think i can live being trans

[heliumgirl]

like there's definitely trans people that are in a worse situation than mine and they still live and are hopeful, but i don't know if i will ever be happy as a trans woman. i am 20 years old, on hrt (by myself) for almost a year and i still get urges of ctb for not being born female. recently these thoughts have intensified.

for many months i've cried that i lost my feminine childhood and teenage years. i've lost years of living high school as a girl. i've cried many times seeing other girls my age living their life as normal. i've cried just from seeing othee girls my age being beautiful and cute while i am this weird looking guy. i've cried many times for not having a uterus. i could go on and on. i've almost passed out multiple times because of the current genital that i have. and even if i do surgery — which would take years, money that i don't have, and a lot of suffering to get there (when i should just be born with it) — it will never be the same as the real thing. i don't think i will ever be satisfied as a trans woman even if i do everything i can in my transition.

i had to leave college because of dysphoria and social anxiety. i tried presenting myself as a woman but obviously i didn't pass, people looked at me, and seeing other girls my age living college life normally with other girls just hurt so much in my soul, i just can't live like that. i didn't even suffer any direct transphobia, other than people getting my pronouns wrong (obviously because i don't even look like a woman), some people even tried to respect me, even then it was still too much for me. now i stay at home everyday with my mom, like she didn't even kick me out or something i should be grateful for that, i do nothing everyday and now my entire family wants me to get help etc. and i do have a psychologist but it's not helping. my mom still deadnames me from time to time but she isn't transphobic on purpose, my dad on the other hand is a crazy fuck who wants me to get into a psych ward because "i don't leave home" — i do leave home sometimes but i do avoid it whenever i can because it hurts a lot to live as a non-passing trans woman and see other women living normally.

either way, i think even if i had a supporting family and complete transition (neither is completely true at the moment) it would never erase the fact that i was born male. i've lost many years living as someone i wasn't. and there are aspects of being born male that will never change. i will never live in a female body from birth. and i cannot stop thinking of ctb then these thoughts intensify.

 

[Tired_birth_1967]

Your story is impressive. I can't fully understand it, especially as an elderly person with no experience that I could even follow. But I understand that it must not be easy. In any case, you have a strength that you don't even know how great it is. Nature is indifferent to feelings. It doesn't care about us. We are just thrown here to die. It doesn't matter what kind of pain. What are the chances of each one faced with predatory behavior that is mandatory for survival? Many succumb in the first days of existence due to anomalies of all kinds. We are born attacked by predators such as bacteria, viruses, etc. If immunity is not sufficient, there is no chance. So, obviously, living is a guarantee of suffering of all kinds. I'm sorry for your situation. In truth, we are all victims of life. I am sorry for the terrible accident called life.

 

[3FailedAttemptss]

I understand how you feel, and I'll admit I'm a little jealous of you, that you started transitioning three years ahead of me, but it's weird. I thought transitioning would save me, or fix me, or be the light at the end of a tunnel, but that never came, and I still feel shit. It's hard for me to put a finger on if my reasons for wanting to kill myself are directly linked with me being transgender. I feel like in some way they have to be, but it's a difficult thing to think about.

But at the same time, it is kind of weird finally transitioning, because I don't know how it is for you, but at least for me, there's a steady road ahead of me, and things are only going in the right direction, but still, it doesn't change the fact that I want to die.

So, I can relate and understand where you're coming from, it's terrible and I'm sorry you have to go through this.

 

[heliumgirl]

I understand how you feel, and I'll admit I'm a little jealous of you, that you started transitioning three years ahead of me, but it's weird. I thought transitioning would save me, or fix me, or be the light at the end of a tunnel, but that never came, and I still feel shit. It's hard for me to put a finger on if my reasons for wanting to kill myself are directly linked with me being transgender. I feel like in some way they have to be, but it's a difficult thing to think about.

But at the same time, it is kind of weird finally transitioning, because I don't know how it is for you, but at least for me, there's a steady road ahead of me, and things are only going in the right direction, but still, it doesn't change the fact that I want to die.

So, I can relate and understand where you're coming from, it's terrible and I'm sorry you have to go through this.

thank you for commenting, and i am also sorry that you need to go through this. i will say i do feel kinda bad that i managed to begin transition quite early and still feel so, so bad, even when some people transition much later and are still happy. worse thing for me is that the pain and dysphoria i feel is not only on the puberty changes, but intrinsic to me and how I was born (as i explain later). i think even if i began transitioning at 12 or something i'd still be sad that i wasn't born female, that i wasn't a cis girl.

i also thought that transitioning would fix everything. but honestly i think it just got worse. because in the beginning i was very hopeful and happy that i was beginning HRT and i also thought that it would make me super happy in my transition. then i began HRT and noticed the pain that I feel is not only the external physical dysphoria, there's so much more than that. obviously it's cool that i am growing boobs and whatever but what really hurts me the most is something that I cannot ever change: I was born male, I lost multiple years of my life living as a man, when I could've been living as a girl, with female friends, experiencing female puberty, menstruation, just everything that a cis girl experiences in life from childhood to teenage years and so on. I could go on and on about this, mentioning every single thing that I wish I could experience and never will. i didn't even mention transphobia or the pain that is seeing other cis girls living normally. either way, i just wanted to be born as a girl and live life as a girl, forever. and now i have a history of being a man, of having a male body, that i can never change. even with many steps that i can still do in my transition (laser, surgery, etc.), due to everything i've mentioned, i question if i will really truly be happy as a woman after all this. honestly in the beginning, along with HRT, i thought that surgery could be what would make me truly happy, but after i noticed all the differences there are between cis female genitalia and the one created from surgery (+ the amount of time, money, and just suffering in general, needed to get there), i lost hope.

edit: i focused on the dysphoria aspect here but i could even make an entire thread on all the shit my dad did (and still does) to me just because i was born male. my two main reasons for ctb currently are definitely the dysphoria of not being born female, along with all the shit my dad does. in some way both are related, because i am pretty sure i wouldn't have suffered the things i suffered from my dad if i was born female. but that's something i try to avoid thinking about.

 

[CookieNiji]

like there's definitely trans people that are in a worse situation than mine and they still live and are hopeful, but i don't know if i will ever be happy as a trans woman. i am 20 years old, on hrt (by myself) for almost a year and i still get urges of ctb for not being born female. recently these thoughts have intensified.

for many months i've cried that i lost my feminine childhood and teenage years. i've lost years of living high school as a girl. i've cried many times seeing other girls my age living their life as normal. i've cried just from seeing othee girls my age being beautiful and cute while i am this weird looking guy. i've cried many times for not having a uterus. i could go on and on. i've almost passed out multiple times because of the current genital that i have. and even if i do surgery — which would take years, money that i don't have, and a lot of suffering to get there (when i should just be born with it) — it will never be the same as the real thing. i don't think i will ever be satisfied as a trans woman even if i do everything i can in my transition.

i had to leave college because of dysphoria and social anxiety. i tried presenting myself as a woman but obviously i didn't pass, people looked at me, and seeing other girls my age living college life normally with other girls just hurt so much in my soul, i just can't live like that. i didn't even suffer any direct transphobia, other than people getting my pronouns wrong (obviously because i don't even look like a woman), some people even tried to respect me, even then it was still too much for me. now i stay at home everyday with my mom, like she didn't even kick me out or something i should be grateful for that, i do nothing everyday and now my entire family wants me to get help etc. and i do have a psychologist but it's not helping. my mom still deadnames me from time to time but she isn't transphobic on purpose, my dad on the other hand is a crazy fuck who wants me to get into a psych ward because "i don't leave home" — i do leave home sometimes but i do avoid it whenever i can because it hurts a lot to live as a non-passing trans woman and see other women living normally.

either way, i think even if i had a supporting family and complete transition (neither is completely true at the moment) it would never erase the fact that i was born male. i've lost many years living as someone i wasn't. and there are aspects of being born male that will never change. i will never live in a female body from birth. and i cannot stop thinking of ctb then these thoughts intensify.

Very few words that means a lot ... I feel you
I never imagined transitioning, that for sure wouldn't be accepted in my family, but I always dreamt about being born female ... My english is very limited so I won't be able to express as much as you, but I feel you and I admire you and your strong will for taking this step forward

 

[countdowntoecstasy]

I feel this so much. I'm non-passing too and I hate how everyday I feel lesser than because nobody could possibly recognize my true gender that I so badly need recognized. I'm struggling to find a reason to live too because of it. I hope that you find something that makes it worth while in the meanwhile and I hope that you do eventually pass one day. I'm starting to lose even that and it truly makes me not want to live anymore.

 

[Dejected 55]

I know as a cis man I am not going to have all the right words and I can't at all put myself in your shoes. I have known several trans women and at least one trans man, and I have talked to one trans woman quite a bit as I knew her before she began her transition so I am not completely in the dark, but as I told her I couldn't possibly know what she (or you) are going through nor can I completely understand what it must feel like. But maybe some random nuggets of things can be of at least a little value?

I think you touched on one aspect of being trans that I've said about depression and suffering trauma. That being... you can work through your pain and heal and become the person you want to and were meant to be... but your trauma is always there. It doesn't always rule you or exist in the forefront of your mind, but it will always be there. Some people try and sell you on the idea that you'll get past it as if it eventually goes away... but if you lose a friend, sibling, parent, or a pet you eventually can feel better and not have it haunt you but it will come back at you... I have to imagine it is the same to be transgender. As you noted, even when you fully transition physically and chemically and feel comfortable in your skin... you're still going to remember that you were born different and lost time in your life when you were younger and couldn't truly be yourself as you were meant to be. That last part I definitely get.

There's no cure for that. Time might help it lessen and maybe it barely is there... but it will be there... the same way I remember a long lost pet from my childhood will still bring a tear to me and a pain as if she just passed recently instead of 40+ years ago. Some pains, some trauma, it just is always there just under the surface. BUT, you can learn to manage that over time.

Regarding "passing"... this is sensitive, and I know. I run the risk of pissing off transgender and cis women with this... But women have a variety of shapes and sizes and degrees of "femininity" and not all women look exactly how they wish they did. Fuck how other people pressure you to think you should look... but you still might feel bad if you don't look how you want to look. I get that. There are many cis women who look more masculine than they would like. Hell, in our crazy trans-oppressive world we live in there are cis women getting "caught" in the "wrong" bathroom all the time and harassed for it too... which nobody should be harassed and the bathroom phobia thing is just insane... but my point is, there are trans women nobody notices and cis women getting caught in the harassment because women vary so much nobody can really be sure they are hating the "right" people. Plus the hate is stupid.

And... there are some wildly attractive feminine as hell trans women that nobody doubts for a second. I'm sure they are troubled and insecure and scared on the inside that someone will "out them" or whatever, but they put a lot of cis women to shame. I've seen quite a few trans women I wouldn't have ever suspected of being trans if they hadn't said something. Mind you, I also don't care. I mean I care in the sense that I'm a trans supporter and believe they should be treated as they want to be treated and as the gender they were meant to be... and I care they are mistreated and feel somehow "less than" because of their own fears and those inflicted by hateful society... but I don't "care" in that a woman is a woman. I'm not attracted to all women, cis or trans, so I don't mean that I care in a sexual way. I just mean all women deserve the same happiness and equality as anyone else... and for what it's worth, if I am attracted I really don't care cis or trans. A woman is a woman is a woman, to me.

But yeah... the hate is going to be there. Hate and fear from horrible men... and also hate and jealousy from horrible women too. That sucks to no end and I don't have help for you there. But for yourself, anything you put onto yourself from your own brain working overdrive... I sincerely hope you find a way to feel better there, despite the hate from others. You don't need to feel "less than" in your own mind.

 

[claracatchingthebus]

thank you for commenting, and i am also sorry that you need to go through this. i will say i do feel kinda bad that i managed to begin transition quite early and still feel so, so bad, even when some people transition much later and are still happy. worse thing for me is that the pain and dysphoria i feel is not only on the puberty changes, but intrinsic to me and how I was born (as i explain later). i think even if i began transitioning at 12 or something i'd still be sad that i wasn't born female, that i wasn't a cis girl.

i also thought that transitioning would fix everything. but honestly i think it just got worse. because in the beginning i was very hopeful and happy that i was beginning HRT and i also thought that it would make me super happy in my transition. then i began HRT and noticed the pain that I feel is not only the external physical dysphoria, there's so much more than that. obviously it's cool that i am growing boobs and whatever but what really hurts me the most is something that I cannot ever change: I was born male, I lost multiple years of my life living as a man, when I could've been living as a girl, with female friends, experiencing female puberty, menstruation, just everything that a cis girl experiences in life from childhood to teenage years and so on. I could go on and on about this, mentioning every single thing that I wish I could experience and never will. i didn't even mention transphobia or the pain that is seeing other cis girls living normally. either way, i just wanted to be born as a girl and live life as a girl, forever. and now i have a history of being a man, of having a male body, that i can never change. even with many steps that i can still do in my transition (laser, surgery, etc.), due to everything i've mentioned, i question if i will really truly be happy as a woman after all this. honestly in the beginning, along with HRT, i thought that surgery could be what would make me truly happy, but after i noticed all the differences there are between cis female genitalia and the one created from surgery (+ the amount of time, money, and just suffering in general, needed to get there), i lost hope.

edit: i focused on the dysphoria aspect here but i could even make an entire thread on all the shit my dad did (and still does) to me just because i was born male. my two main reasons for ctb currently are definitely the dysphoria of not being born female, along with all the shit my dad does. in some way both are related, because i am pretty sure i wouldn't have suffered the things i suffered from my dad if i was born female. but that's something i try to avoid thinking about.

the experience of regretting "if only things had been different" and regretting years or even decades is a feeling that a lot of people feel for different reason. i'm sorry it's been so difficult.

are you able to work remotely and save up? the world always needs more accountants who are good, and if you can do the work, people are usually happy to hire you. sales, personality, and likability don't really matter - and by that I mean you don't have to be concerned about what people think or impressing them or them judging you because of being trans. people need good accountants.

what if at 26 you've actually done the full surgery, have a nice career, a sexy new wardrobe, and a boyfriend? the problem is it will take work a discipline to get there, but what if it's worth it?

sometimes setting goals and subgoals can help when in pain, because if the goals are measurable and achievable, then the little things can add up. ie, "take online accounting course" subgoal: intro accounting, intermediate accounting, advanced accounting; and "make 1000 doing accounting paperwork for people and get at least 3 clients for the year."

it's hard to plan when unhappy. i also am not saying you don't have a right to grieve things not being different. you do. i am just saying a lot of people are right there with you, even non-trans people. i am not trans, but i was in love with someone once who would have never been able to be in love with me... it wasn't looks or personality, it was something else. he had a type, and i wasn't that type... and i'll always be annoyed i couldn't be with him. i'm not saying it's the same as your situation, which is probably harder.

but you still have time to plan, change things, and have an awesome life, if you want it.

 

[Marcy1024]

I'm almost 30 and I haven't started hormones yet. I think one of my biggest struggles is dealing with the high beauty standards often tied to the idea of a "successful" transition. I really relate to the feeling of thinking it's too late to start. In my case, it has made me feel like I'd rather be dead. A few years ago, I still had hope—maybe transitioning could be worth a try instead of giving up. But right now, I don't feel that way.


Worrying about not being beautiful enough is a deeply feminine fear. Every woman, has to learn how to navigate that pressure. I remember meeting a girl a few years back—she was about 16 at the time. She opened up to me about not feeling beautiful enough. She didn't know I'm not cis. She is cute. Over the years, I've seen her grow—learning makeup, fashion, and how to own her style. I feel genuinely proud of her. Now she can even joke about herself using meme filters and cringey edits, which shows how far she's come in being comfortable with herself.


I believe a big part of womanhood is the act of building yourself—like creating a piece of art. Starting life as a "boy" doesn't invalidate that process. To think otherwise is transphobic. Would you unvalid another woman because of where she started or what her goals are? I don't think you would. Sometimes, thinking about what's fair for others can help us understand what should be fair for ourselves.


In my view, it's not fair to tell someone they're not a woman just because of their beginning. And for that same reason, I don't think it's fair to judge yourself (Heliumgirl) for starting "late." Honestly, I admire anyone who had the self-awareness and courage to even recognize all this before turning 20.


Still, I deeply relate to the feeling of "I don't think I can live being trans." Freedom—real freedom—is the most important thing. Being trans isn't a solution by itself. It's a new life, with all the complexity that comes with it. Whether it's worth it or not… sometimes it really feels like a coin toss.


I would to know if my comment is stupid btw. I've seen other people write such beautiful things, and I just did my best to be worthy and honest.

Ps: I do love watch Daria, I helps me to get calm and fantasie with the idea how would be grow as a girl teenager. I know 12,13,14,15,16 years are so different. But if you wait enough those age would appear like a single day.

 

[RedSauce]

Sometimes I wonder would it be worse to start hrt at 40 or die without even starting it considering the country I live in. Both sounds awful sigh.

 

[LOVELYDARKDEEP]

Yeah, and to compound everything, there's an unprecedented level of hatred and bigotry directed at trans people, and unfortunately, that's pretty hard to get away from even on an international level. There's just so many people that don't understand, don't want to understand, and don't care about the bullshit and suffering trans people endure on a regular basis.

 

[TBONTB]

like there's definitely trans people that are in a worse situation than mine and they still live and are hopeful, but i don't know if i will ever be happy as a trans woman. i am 20 years old, on hrt (by myself) for almost a year and i still get urges of ctb for not being born female. recently these thoughts have intensified.

for many months i've cried that i lost my feminine childhood and teenage years. i've lost years of living high school as a girl. i've cried many times seeing other girls my age living their life as normal. i've cried just from seeing othee girls my age being beautiful and cute while i am this weird looking guy. i've cried many times for not having a uterus. i could go on and on. i've almost passed out multiple times because of the current genital that i have. and even if i do surgery — which would take years, money that i don't have, and a lot of suffering to get there (when i should just be born with it) — it will never be the same as the real thing. i don't think i will ever be satisfied as a trans woman even if i do everything i can in my transition.

i had to leave college because of dysphoria and social anxiety. i tried presenting myself as a woman but obviously i didn't pass, people looked at me, and seeing other girls my age living college life normally with other girls just hurt so much in my soul, i just can't live like that. i didn't even suffer any direct transphobia, other than people getting my pronouns wrong (obviously because i don't even look like a woman), some people even tried to respect me, even then it was still too much for me. now i stay at home everyday with my mom, like she didn't even kick me out or something i should be grateful for that, i do nothing everyday and now my entire family wants me to get help etc. and i do have a psychologist but it's not helping. my mom still deadnames me from time to time but she isn't transphobic on purpose, my dad on the other hand is a crazy fuck who wants me to get into a psych ward because "i don't leave home" — i do leave home sometimes but i do avoid it whenever i can because it hurts a lot to live as a non-passing trans woman and see other women living normally.

either way, i think even if i had a supporting family and complete transition (neither is completely true at the moment) it would never erase the fact that i was born male. i've lost many years living as someone i wasn't. and there are aspects of being born male that will never change. i will never live in a female body from birth. and i cannot stop thinking of ctb then these thoughts intensify.

Thank you for sharing this story. It's such a gift to hear your experience, and I am sorry for all the pain in it. As a gender typical woman I appreciate hearing what the trans experience is. Your family seems like a pro/con situation, with your Mom trying to support. And having a place to stay is huge

I hear so much loss in your perspective as well as your mind being full of what didn't happen. I definitely relate, I think almost all the time about the past with regret for how it brought me here. But I know I have to look forward because that's the only way to go. I hope you can work through the grief of what you didn't have... mourn it, and let it go.

Hope you get something you need today.

 

[Alexandra0]

I am so sorry that you are going through all this suffering. It is inhumane and unfair. I understand you very well, because I also have gender dysphoria. And I suffer so much from this and from physical illnesses. I was born a woman, but I always wanted to be a man. I feel your pain. I hug you