I don't like what I am becoming...

[avoid_slow_death]

Once upon a time, in fact, up until recently, I was that "nice guy". You know the type. That person who stops and chats up someone homeless or visibly upset simply because they feel bad for the person. Would always offer any homeless person food and my attention. I would help the disabled, help people with money or a place to stay or just a hug and an ear. Hell, every year I would find a family in need for Thanksgiving and Christmas and provide them with what they needed for the holidays. It was just the right thing to do.

Nowadays? It's like my humanity is on life support. Left work for lunch a bit ago and saw this homeless guy I see ocassionally looking in such despair that I felt that he was contemplating suicide. I felt something faintly tug at my heart telling me to offer him meal and someone to talk to.But the new and growing part of me said, "Not your problem. Besides, you can't help him anyways. Leave him alone". So I did.

I don't like this new me. He's cold and indifferent and uncaring. Yet, I cannot stop him from growing. I have tried, but I simply have no strength left to fight this monster I am slowly becoming....

 

[deathisnear]

I feel the EXACT same way. I have become so absolutely numb that nothing affects me anymore and I used to be the "nice guy" who would do all of the things you did. I have no strength either, that's why I must CTB, and soon.

 

[again_noidea]

you don't need to help others if you don't have the strength. I know, it is hard to accept, but it is simply not possible to ignore your energy reserves without hurting yourself. don't feel bad because of the realities of your life. I am also sad because i would like to help others a lot, but i just don't have the energy for it, although i do what i can.

 

[Wojaczek]

I am so empty at the moment that i dont even feel human anymore

 

[FuneralCry]

It can be painful to reflect on how much we have changed over time. I can imagine it must be a hopeless feeling when you cannot fight it any more. Being alive really is horrible. For me only in death will there be true peace. I hope you find peace and freedom from suffering.

 

[avoid_slow_death]

Thanks guys. I just want to be ME again even if that means keeping the ideation and severe depression. At least I was something human then. Not anymore. I'm just...I simply....exist....