mortemsui
Fleeting Existence
- Nov 27, 2023
- 5
I.. Want to die. But then again I don't. Over the past few years, I've had multiple bouts of numb (not sad) and then being extremely hyper for a little while. Every time I get low enough to actually think about going through with my plans something small but good happens that takes me off the edge. Make me happy for a little bit. Then I spiral back down. I wouldn't even mind if the depression and happiness were in a 1:1 ratio, but it feels like a roller coaster going down at full speed with minor bumps to slow it down for a bit along the way.
I was happy recently, I made some friends online (somehow), I found a manga I really loved, I setup a minecraft server to play with friends. Then for some reason, I felt like I was suddenly being ignored or getting cold responses from them. I don't know if that was actually the case but it still hurt and shattered me once again. The manga I loved is no longer interesting, No matter how many times I try to re read it to find the spark again.
I feel like I can find the spark of happiness but I don't have enough oxygen to sustain that flame. I'm currently pursuing my Computer Science degree, and the academic pressure is also there. But I can't even bring myself to study, I want to, I really do want to. I do all the preparation for it. I prepare my desk, I get the books and resources, and then I stop. I don't want to stop there, but I can't bring myself to get up and just do it. I straight up disrespect my own professors to their faces. But I still go to that place every single day.
Today, I played Need Streamer Overdose and put myself in an even deeper pit of sadness, I don't really understand why I'm doing this to myself but I can't stop, I yell at myself in my mind everyday "I shouldn't be doing this" "I need to stop playing" "I need to get up and do x" "Stupid, just get up and do it". I understand completely what I have to do, I even know that I'll succeed in most of the tasks I need to do. But I just can't bring myself to do anything of value.
I've never smoked or drank in my life, because I know it'll catch up to me eventually yet I yearn to do drugs like salvia because I've read stories about people living entire lives in a short span of time. I think to myself that maybe if I experience that, I could carry the feeling of a life where I did something to my current life. But I know I have no place to get any sort of substance here so I wander back to thinking about terminating my own existence.
I try to drown myself in music. I've tried a lot of music. Slow, Fast, breakcore, pop, hyperpop and whatnot. I really love listening to music because I can imagine a whole different world with it or shut up my brain. Then again, when I'm at rock bottom even listening to my favorites doesn't help.
There's a lot more I cannot currently express using words.
I don't know why I'm writing this here, I only started typing since I saw some other people also venting. I wonder if this will help me feel a little better.
Please don't bother replying because I won't be able to reply to you, I know myself and I know that I'll just blank when trying to reply to anyone, I don't want to be rude.
Thanks for reading till now if you got here.
I was happy recently, I made some friends online (somehow), I found a manga I really loved, I setup a minecraft server to play with friends. Then for some reason, I felt like I was suddenly being ignored or getting cold responses from them. I don't know if that was actually the case but it still hurt and shattered me once again. The manga I loved is no longer interesting, No matter how many times I try to re read it to find the spark again.
I feel like I can find the spark of happiness but I don't have enough oxygen to sustain that flame. I'm currently pursuing my Computer Science degree, and the academic pressure is also there. But I can't even bring myself to study, I want to, I really do want to. I do all the preparation for it. I prepare my desk, I get the books and resources, and then I stop. I don't want to stop there, but I can't bring myself to get up and just do it. I straight up disrespect my own professors to their faces. But I still go to that place every single day.
Today, I played Need Streamer Overdose and put myself in an even deeper pit of sadness, I don't really understand why I'm doing this to myself but I can't stop, I yell at myself in my mind everyday "I shouldn't be doing this" "I need to stop playing" "I need to get up and do x" "Stupid, just get up and do it". I understand completely what I have to do, I even know that I'll succeed in most of the tasks I need to do. But I just can't bring myself to do anything of value.
I've never smoked or drank in my life, because I know it'll catch up to me eventually yet I yearn to do drugs like salvia because I've read stories about people living entire lives in a short span of time. I think to myself that maybe if I experience that, I could carry the feeling of a life where I did something to my current life. But I know I have no place to get any sort of substance here so I wander back to thinking about terminating my own existence.
I try to drown myself in music. I've tried a lot of music. Slow, Fast, breakcore, pop, hyperpop and whatnot. I really love listening to music because I can imagine a whole different world with it or shut up my brain. Then again, when I'm at rock bottom even listening to my favorites doesn't help.
There's a lot more I cannot currently express using words.
I don't know why I'm writing this here, I only started typing since I saw some other people also venting. I wonder if this will help me feel a little better.
Please don't bother replying because I won't be able to reply to you, I know myself and I know that I'll just blank when trying to reply to anyone, I don't want to be rude.
Thanks for reading till now if you got here.
