Venting I don’t know what to do

[DeadD]

I am so desperate for my pain to be over. I can't talk to anyone and even writing it down feels wrong. I can't trust my family, my friends, and especially not my significant other. Our relationship has been a nightmare lately. I think we should break up but that would mean she would have to move in with someone who refuses to social distance and I'm afraid for her life. She's still my best friend, but our communication issues are so triggering I feel like I can't function.

I just wish I had the courage to actually ctb right now. I know that I don't. But god what I would give to just be able to shut down and never turn back on.

the world is such a dark and hideous place. I can't cope.