kittyloverxd
Member
- Jul 15, 2025
- 16
well i've been wanting to off myself for a very long time now the earliest i can remember of attempting was when i was 12 after my best friend who i viewed as my twin died but i never got to courage to do it in case i did go to heaven and see my best friend again he would be very sad and disappointed i did that. there were many other factors into making me feel like this not given much attention while crying up, father was an alcoholic + abusive towards the whole family no job, brother used to beat me and my mom tried her best but it was very hard. fast forward a couple years my best friends mom who was like a mother figure towards me and my brother died and we haven't heard from my best friends father and he's getting old so i don't want to think pessimistically but i think it's kind of obvious on what happened :( fast forward a couple more years my brother and mother and i ran away from home and never seen our father since as sometimes he would pull out a knife and we would call our father's mother and father to please come over as soon as possible since we lived really close to each other and whenever they came over he acted "normal" and make it seem like we're going crazy and they'd just like be to us "it's alright nothings going to happen just go to sleep and forget about it" this happened since i was born until i was like 12 because cops got involved (there's a reason why but summarized my dad got drunk forced me to go to the store with him made me wait outside the liquor store alone at like 10pm this was while we lived in chicago and i was 12 and cops found i was carrying alcohol and sent me and my dad to the hospital and almost got sent a foster home that same night) and shortly after we packed our belongings things got a little better but my brother got more abusive towards me and i'm okay with getting hit for being wrong because i think thats discipline but he would just beat me whenever i spoke back not even trying to start anything and one day i think it was the week or day before my birthday he said "if we were still back in (my home country which we lived in a refugee camp) i'd have beat the ____ out of you so badly your face wouldn't even be recognizable" i took my sandals over and said alright we're going to fight and i finally had enough i would be a liar if i said i didn't have the urge to grab the knife and do something i would've forever regretted but i went to the living room and said "okay let's get it on" and then he was like "oh you think you're grown? oh you think everything gets solved by putting your hands on others? especially your own family?" i mean yes....? that's how we grew up, that's how we learned from our father.? that's what i've learned from you? that's how we grew up whats the difference now? stop complaining and lets get it on fast forward i felt so much guilt and scared me so much because i pushed him really hard and he kind of flipped backwards because he tripped over the couch and that scared me because what if there was a table and he hit the back of his head on that? he would've died from that, but anyways i finally got to put my hands on my brother i don't know how i felt when i finally got to squeeze his wrist and him not breaking my grip im on top of him choking him with the other hand and occasionally smacking the hell out of him whenever he says to let him go and i'll just say "you wanna get smacked, huh? seems like you want to get smacked the shit out of you because of all the dumb shit you're saying" and that's pretty much what i learned from him but as much as i finally got to get my revenge i didn't like this i don't like this ever since a child i didn't like seeing my dad put his hands on my family i didn't like hiding in the corner of the bedroom under the bed calling my fathers parents scared while i was as young as 12 and younger, i didn't like it when my brother hit me, i didn't like the way how my brother treated me, i didn't like how "God" took people away from my life that i cared about so dearly i didn't like how "God" gave me this life.. if only i wasn't afraid of heights i wish i would've just closed my eyes and jumped off when i had the chance when i was 12. the interaction i had with my brother i just told you guys about was around before i turned 16 now im 18 and my birthday is close ish soon i'll be turning 19 in october 27 :D and i don't talk to my brother anymore but i did meet someone on twitter we got close really fast i tried my best to help them with their problems and say let's live long together, let's grow old together but i told them if they can no longer do this anymore please wait for us to meet so we can do it together and they actually agreed so i was happy but they got better, but we're no longer close anymore but i'm happy they got better though! and my attendance got so bad ever since freshmen year up until junior year where i just dropped out and it was during october close to my birthday xd anyways i got my ged uhm...... this thursday or sometime this week i forgot haha but anyways i "finished" my schooling and my moms really happy, i love my mom i sometimes wish i wasn't a bad son for not getting along with my brother i wish i could've went to school more often for her but i just couldn't i just couldn't get myself out of bed i really wanted to off myself but i couldn't just because i want to make sure my mom is taken well care of after i die and i think i have an idea that might just solve that o(｀ω´ )o i mean yes i would just bedrot and have thoughts of offing myself but i also had the thought of retiring my mom and then offing myself espeically because my mom is 40 and finally sort of has her life on track she works at a warehouse job so there's really no chance of her retiring she'll most likely work until she dies and i don't want my mom to live like that so i've decided to start and see what i could get into, anything, as long as it makes a lot of money that can maybe help me with my goal of retiring my mom (and brother i love him but i decide to love him from a distance as much as what has happened in the past regardless he is still my brother) and i've started to start learning how to day-trade it's been about 2 years into me learning this and ITS SOOOO UGHHHH HARD BUT! i think i've finally started to see some consistency i'm still practicing and learning by myself but for the past 2-4 months i've finally been starting to make improvements and i've been profitable so i don't know what to do now.. because i want to off myself but i've spent so much time on learning on this craft and it can finally set my family financially free but i don't really talk to anyone so but UGH sorry for talking so much i didn't expect to write this much i just haven't talked to anyone i just wanted to have something off my chest if you read until here thank you i'm just really lonely and don't know what to do with my life if i should end myself right now or end myself when i reach my goals by retiring my family or if i should just retire my family and live in the middle of nowhere living a quiet but peaceful life i'm just in a dilemma (*´-`)
