Help I don't know if I can go through with it

[SchrodingerIsDed]

I can't go to a therapist. I don't want it on my record anymore than it already is. I have to hide any instability, because I fear it will be used against me. My family is systematically attacking. I have no friends. I can't even go out to make them, because I can't trust people anyway, as a standard. I'm in crippling credit card debt, and I can't work until May 31st for severe reasons. But I just have this feeling of overwhelming fear, that the worst has yet to come. And it's really trying to escape that future that hasn't even come yet that has me thinking my only option is ctb. I have so many things going for me, if I could just balance it. Things are hard right now, but nothing is unfixable yet. But the fear is so strong. And I'm scared to ctb, too. And I don't want to. I want to keep progressing. I want to keep getting better. But I don't think the enemy will allow it. I simply cannot face an opponent this powerful. I don't know what to do. What possible future could I have with these feelings?

 

[Jorvak]

The worst part of all is if you actually did go through with it, the bulk if not all of your family would never examine their own malicious and unsupportive behavior that made you feel worthless and incapable, with nothing to live for. They would only blame it on you being "mentally ill", never seeing how they contributed significantly to your severe depression. According to your description, I surmise that the severity of your condition is caused by your psychologically abusive family, and a capitalist system that cripples your ability to thrive with debt, and relegating your self-worth to how much profit you generate for a capitalist.

I sincerely hope you can get back to a point of financial stability after May 31, eventually. after that, i highly suggest trying to find a place to live that is away from your cruel anti-family members. I'm glad you want to try to resolve your issues, even in your darkest moments. I'm the same way.

I have some suggestions that may or may not work for you, that could help you to make friends. There are some activities that attract introverted people more that you could become friends with. Reading at a library could be one of those and could present opportunities for getting to meet people. Another is joining a D&D or Pathfinder or TTRPG group, local stores frequently run games for noobies for free. I actually got into TTRPG last year, it's with a group of friends online. While it doesn't change my overall circumstance of living a lonely life and being incompatible with societal standards, it gives me something to do every week, and i have a really good friend from it. I'm sure there are plenty of other hobbies that could attract people you can generally relate with. This is hit and miss still, but eventually you could find someone you get along with really well, like i did. All of this can also be done online, or offline technically, there are a lot of specialized discord communities, however it does not replace face to face interaction. generally, face to face interaction can be the most helpful.

 

[Blue Dream]

I can't go to a therapist. I don't want it on my record anymore than it already is. I have to hide any instability, because I fear it will be used against me. My family is systematically attacking. I have no friends. I can't even go out to make them, because I can't trust people anyway, as a standard. I'm in crippling credit card debt, and I can't work until May 31st for severe reasons. But I just have this feeling of overwhelming fear, that the worst has yet to come. And it's really trying to escape that future that hasn't even come yet that has me thinking my only option is ctb. I have so many things going for me, if I could just balance it. Things are hard right now, but nothing is unfixable yet. But the fear is so strong. And I'm scared to ctb, too. And I don't want to. I want to keep progressing. I want to keep getting better. But I don't think the enemy will allow it. I simply cannot face an opponent this powerful. I don't know what to do. What possible future could I have with these feelings?

There's no deadline on CTB, if you're not ready, don't do it.
You are in fear of a future that is uncertain, if your worst case scenario comes to pass your fears will be validated, but if it doesn't, the net outcome will be you having grilled yourself with stress needlessly with nothing to show for it. So focus on doing what you can in the present and cross those bridges when you get to them.

I suspect the future is looking dark for most of us, so at least you won't be alone.

 

[SchrodingerIsDed]

Can't edit or delete post. I know I can go through with it.

 

[roommate]

If you already have nothing to lose since u have cbt already so deep in your mind, why wouldn't a therapist not be last resort option.
Not wanting to interfere with your options, but I personally I would consider it, perhaps the person can release some of your stress.

I know you're going through a lot, whatever you decide or whatever happens, i'm wishing you the best bro!

 

[SchrodingerIsDed]

If you already have nothing to lose since u have cbt already so deep in your mind, why wouldn't a therapist not be last resort option.
Not wanting to interfere with your options, but I personally I would consider it, perhaps the person can release some of your stress.

I know you're going through a lot, whatever you decide or whatever happens, i'm wishing you the best bro!

They can't help me with this problem. They're more likely to be a liability. Like I said, any instability will be used against me. If it's documented, it will come up later and hurt me. I have to pretend to be as stable as possible, even if I'm thinking the craziest thoughts.

I cannot understate the level of threat I'm facing. I have to be careful even talking about it, even pseudo-anonymously. Though they probably already own this device, regardless of any precautions I've taken. Let's just say I worked for an organization that was intelligence adjacent. I worked for them. For a year. So not delusion. I don't really even want to say the sector, but let's say it's warfare adjacent, as well. And when it comes to politics or high level corporations, it's all about framing and misframing situations. The smartest people or the minority who have the real information can easily manipulate the vast majority who are not informed.

And they're potentially criminal underworld adjacent, as intelligence often operate in tandem with criminal groups--I found that out too late, thinking they were justice and goodness. When I was new, bright-eyed, thinking I could help reduce the suffering in the world....Thought I was fighting the good fight against the bad guys. That was a joke. They're literal sociopaths. And they'll abuse their own citizens, no problem. Or their own co-workers. Or their own family. If it suits their end goals. Whether that be for "The Greater Good" or just for experimentation's sake. It's ironic, but criminal groups might be more trustworthy.

Fucking humans.

My enemies are both my own mind and the strongest possible external force possible. There is no escape, most likely. Hence, ctb is the only viable option. If I can even get it done without them interfering.

But. We'll also say as a matter of fact, if an intelligence service wants you fucked up, there is no escape possible. There is no way to prove it. And if you mention it, you will sound absolutely insane. They're just that good. It'll be 50 years before anyone knows even 10% of what they do. If that. But I'll go down on my terms, or swinging.

Thanks roommate. :) Likewise.