Venting i don't feel like i can connect with anyone.

[supersupercomplex]

hello, it's my first time posting here, so please let me know if i'm doing something wrong! T_T

i'm 18, and no matter what, i could never really make friends irl, and online i couldn't even really keep them... i only hang out with my older sister now, and i love her and have fun, but i feel like she just does it because she pities me... she says she doesn't, but it feels hard to believe her.

but to talk a little more, i actually cut what friends i did have a few years ago, and as much as it hurt i still feel like it was the best decision... i really wasn't a good friend. i was overbearing, always taking and hardly giving, i couldn't read the hints they gave me and looking back i always talked way too much when they didn't want me to, or i said the wrong thing when trying to comfort them, and so on. i was always just too focused on myself, and i regret it every day. i'm even worse because i just.. ran away instead of trying to fix anything.

anyway, while that's not the only reason, i haven't really tried to make friends since then, and i feel like i oscillate between not really caring for those sorts of connections and being desperate for it. if i'm alone, i don't really have to worry about hurting someone or messing something up, i don't have to worry about growing apart, i don't have to worry about coming across as too much... but at the same time, i do want someone to rely on me, and just to share things with.. i really hate feeling contradicting things like this Q_Q

ultimately, i don't think i'm going to change anything... i plan to ctb soon, and i'd hate to make friends with someone just to abandon them, you know? i'm sorry for rambling like this for no real reason other than to complain. i guess i want to ask if anyone's ever felt similarly, or something. sorry if this doesn't make sense or i sound stupid.

 

[Radiated]

I Relate, most attempts to make friends online for me (Because I'm not able to IRL due to PTSD and fear of leaving my home) have kinda just been trying to talk to brick walls, people stop talking after a few days, and it gets exhausting to try to constantly reach out.

Please don't feel guilty for wanting to make friends whilst planning to CTB, you're not abandoning anyone and you deserve love. You never know if trying to make connections could leave you wanting to put the plan aside, or even just make you feel better for the time you're here.
Unfortunately I'm not the best for advice on the topic, but there's the make a friend megathread if you wanna check it out. :)

Make A Friend megathread

Make A Friend Megathread NOTE: Read this thread fully before posting! It can be hard to find someone who understands, and can relate to suicidal and depressive thoughts. This thread is to facilitate the possibility of meeting a friend who can understand that, or just to find someone who is on...

sanctioned-suicide.net

 

[supersupercomplex]

I Relate, most attempts to make friends online for me (Because I'm not able to IRL due to PTSD and fear of leaving my home) have kinda just been trying to talk to brick walls, people stop talking after a few days, and it gets exhausting to try to constantly reach out.

Please don't feel guilty for wanting to make friends whilst planning to CTB, you're not abandoning anyone and you deserve love. You never know if trying to make connections could leave you wanting to put the plan aside, or even just make you feel better for the time you're here.
Unfortunately I'm not the best for advice on the topic, but there's the make a friend megathread if you wanna check it out. :)

Make A Friend megathread

Make A Friend Megathread NOTE: Read this thread fully before posting! It can be hard to find someone who understands, and can relate to suicidal and depressive thoughts. This thread is to facilitate the possibility of meeting a friend who can understand that, or just to find someone who is on...

sanctioned-suicide.net

thank you, I appreciate the reply and your words (｡T ω T｡) i think i'll give some thought to what you said, and to the megathread.

 

[tsykoais]

read and same, however on the cutting off friends part it was the opposite i was too good of a friend and never got reciprocated.

 

[supersupercomplex]

read and same, however on the cutting off friends part it was the opposite i was too good of a friend and never got reciprocated.

i'm very sorry about that. i'm sending you my well wishes.

 

[tsykoais]

i'm very sorry about that. i'm sending you my well wishes.

sending you my well wishes too! dms are open if u need someone to talk as well.

 

[Somewhat Suicidal]

I've definitely been too much for my friends as well at times. I think I got a lot better at that when I grew older (I'm almost double your age now, 34) but it still caused problems here and there because sometimes ADHD just runs rampant. It's a lot easier when texting over speaking on the phone and even harder in person for me to balance this properly.
That being said I also had a lot of 'friends' who I really had been a good friend to and they never reciprocated leading to the friendship just fading out, because I was tired of always doing all the effort at some point but maybe those weren't really friends to begin with, idk. Lately it has been really hard to make any new ones as depression is just a bitch...

 

[supersupercomplex]

I've definitely been too much for my friends as well at times. I think I got a lot better at that when I grew older (I'm almost double your age now, 34) but it still caused problems here and there because sometimes ADHD just runs rampant. It's a lot easier when texting over speaking on the phone and even harder in person for me to balance this properly.
That being said I also had a lot of 'friends' who I really had been a good friend to and they never reciprocated leading to the friendship just fading out, because I was tired of always doing all the effort at some point but maybe those weren't really friends to begin with, idk. Lately it has been really hard to make any new ones as depression is just a bitch...

thank you for your reply…! ^_^
i'm sorry to hear about your experiences, but admittedly it's always kind of comforting someone's had similar ones, as bad as that sounds. i can kind of relate to putting a lot of effort in, at least, it felt like i always the one trying to talk or do things together, and it's sad when they don't really reciprocate (or tell you if you've done something to upset or hurt them T_T)
again, i really appreciate your reply. i'm sending you my well wishes.

 

[Somewhat Suicidal]

but admittedly it's always kind of comforting someone's had similar ones, as bad as that sounds.

thats fine

or tell you if you've done something to upset or hurt them

Oh yes, thats a big one as well ^^ ADHD is a bitch and sometimes I just don't think enough before speaking, that'S why it'S so much easier via text where I can review what has been pouring out of me.

again, i really appreciate your reply. i'm sending you my well wishes.

You're welcome, and vice versa.

I would really like to encourage you to not be set on CTBing at this point in your life. Take it from someone who also thought he was a smartass at age 18 or 20 and realised the older he got, that he wasn't in some respects. So I really think at this age you should give things a real and hard try first. Nothing is set in stone and your life can so easily change drastically in very few years, especially while you're young. Be mindful of your decisions as they will bear more meaning that you might realise. If you feel like you are not up to this, get some help from a therapist figuring things out. If none of that works after giving it your best for some years, fine go ahead and CTB. Even though I ran against a wall a few times in my life again, I will also give it another hard try now, if necessary do 1-2 years of hospitalisation and treatment before I CTB. There is really nothing to lose at this point – I can only win or CTB at a later point just fine if all efforts fail.

 

[ctb_warrior]

Hey buddy
It's not your fault, it's dependent on our growing years.
I'm from a dysfunctional family and I had a cursed childhood. So, I also didn't develop my social skills properly.
Though, the good news is, it's a skill that you can learn any time.
I became a celebrity later in my life and became a people magnet.
To begin with, I'll suggest you to go through a fun book, Making friends by andrew matthews.

Finish that and I'll give you more.

Besides, we are all here with you. Feel free to connect with any of us. If you would like to interact with me, feel free to DM me when you get the access to DM

 

[supersupercomplex]

thats fine


Oh yes, thats a big one as well ^^ ADHD is a bitch and sometimes I just don't think enough before speaking, that'S why it'S so much easier via text where I can review what has been pouring out of me.


You're welcome, and vice versa.

I would really like to encourage you to not be set on CTBing at this point in your life. Take it from someone who also thought he was a smartass at age 18 or 20 and realised the older he got, that he wasn't in some respects. So I really think at this age you should give things a real and hard try first. Nothing is set in stone and your life can so easily change drastically in very few years, especially while you're young. Be mindful of your decisions as they will bear more meaning that you might realise. If you feel like you are not up to this, get some help from a therapist figuring things out. If none of that works after giving it your best for some years, fine go ahead and CTB. Even though I ran against a wall a few times in my life again, I will also give it another hard try now, if necessary do 1-2 years of hospitalisation and treatment before I CTB. There is really nothing to lose at this point – I can only win or CTB at a later point just fine if all efforts fail.

thank you, i'll try to keep what you said in mind. admittedly, i've had very bad experiences in mental healthcare (which is some of whats pushed me to this point), but i still appreciate the reply and sentiment. <3

 

[Somewhat Suicidal]

i've had very bad experiences in mental healthcare (which is some of whats pushed me to this point)

I can second that. You probably will barely find a person that won't have some bad experiences if they interacted multiple times with the mental health care system.
It can be definitely tricky and require lots of effort and research to get the right treatment, but it does exist in many cases. Depending on your specific issues, the right specialist who you also feel like you can talk to on a personal level can be difficult to find, that's just a sad reality. I've tried both way more therapists and psychiatrists than the ones that I ended up staying with because I felt well treated. There is definitely good people in that system who are willing to genuinely help and won't just bombard you with empty platitudes. Ofc that might also depend a bit on your country and health insurance situation, which I don't know.