Venting I don't deserve anything good in life, just death

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I've mastered isolating myself from other people to the point the only person I talk to is my boyfriend and even that I'm managing to self sabotage now. Yesterday I asked him why he's even with me, told him that I'm only going to hold him back long term and when he wasn't convinced enough I mentioned that I'm thinking of killing myself. Practically tried to make him break up with me just to be hit with him being very supportive, I can't help but feel guilty because I know i'm going to do it anyways.

I do love him a lot but he doesn't deserve this, I don't understand what makes it worth it for him to stay with someone like me. Maybe he feels like he can actually help me, I just hope he gets fed up with me eventually and realizes that I can't change for him or anyone else for that matter

 

[DivineSpark]

I think everyone deserves peace, pleasure, happiness and joy. I wish those upon everyone.

 

[TransTaxEvader]

Coming from experience, please break up with him if you love him and you're serious about dying.

 

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Coming from experience, please break up with him if you love him and you're serious about dying.

I may not need to, he's been hinting that he's going to leave me anyways and if he doesn't first then I will. However it still sucks knowing I will leave him with the guilt afterwards if he finds out, he's always felt responsible for me even if it has nothing to do with him.

 

[FishRain3469]

Damn... I can relate to a lot of what you said, almost kinda scary.. The self sabotage and isolation, Yikes.. I could probably write a Fckn novel on Both of those , sadly. With everything; Life.. Life on life's terms.

Your b/f.. Idk what to say other than.. Just follow your heart, and listen to it. For better or worse.. In Due time. -

 

[Shadow_]

This is what I've been avoiding. Been single a long time because of it. Honestly, I know I'd fuck up any relationship I was in, or I'd ctb, and I can't do that to someone. But honestly I envy you. You have someone who knows, but cares. I'm not you, and you aren't me, but being lonely only makes things worse. If you haven't tried, or even if you have, there are resources that work for most people. And if someone is gonna love you, knowing what you think is shittiest about yourself, maybe it's it's worth giving it the ol college try on some other things. Hell maybe making them apart of it just might strengthen your relationship, or be the bedrock you need. Crazier shit has happened.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Do you think other people deserve a shot at happiness? Why should you be denied it?

Personally though, I don't see death as a bad thing. I have quit a bit of envy for the dead. I think I deserve death personally because it's high time I got to rest.

 

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Do you think other people deserve a shot at happiness? Why should you be denied it?

Personally though, I don't see death as a bad thing. I have quit a bit of envy for the dead. I think I deserve death personally because it's high time I got to rest.

Funnily enough yes, I believe even those who are objectively worse people than me deserve to be happy. The problem has always been me, I feel like there's just something deeply wrong in who I am and what I'm like that even basic decency is too much to ask for lol. True happiness would definitely feel like too much for me to have and I'd probably feel guilty for it.

I don't really see death as either a good or a bad thing, it's just something that happens to everyone. In my case I feel like I deserve it because it's the bare minimum. I'd really like to exist in the most irrelevant way possible, and then immediately being forgotten the moment I ctb,

 

[4everHeartBroken]

I think everyone deserves peace, pleasure, happiness and joy. I wish those upon everyone.

You have an amazing heart.