Venting I don't believe I'm depressed

[nomorefight]

I want to die but I don't believe I am depressed. I feel lost and trapped and alone. I feel like something is seriously wrong with me. I know I am not supposed to be this way because on paper my life is "great", but I am not happy. I am constantly wishing I could end it all. I don't think I am depressed though because I have been going to a psychiatrist for over a year, I have tried every medication out there, and I still am getting worse. I crave hurting myself and tears. No matter how many pills I take I still want to disappear. I am so tired of fighting. I am too weak to keep going but also too weak to just kill myself already. I am tired of being told that with time I will get better and that depression is not a terminal illness. I have put so much time into this and have only gotten worse. Depression may not be a terminal illness, but whatever I have is. I am tired of pretending I'm okay for the sake of others and hiding my scars and saying that I want to go back to being happy. I am tired of the lies. Just let me die already.

 

[AnnaJaspers]

It's possibly that you are "rationally" depressed, ie your desire to die is rooted in rational reasons and not the byproduct of brain chemistry gone haywire or faulty chemical imbalances.

I don't have, and haven't for a long time, the necessary ingredients to make a happy life, or indeed a tolerable one: connection, decent work, a sense of belonging, etc. Is this true for you?