ForgottenAgain
On the rollercoaster of sadness
- Oct 17, 2023
- 1,139
I was on holiday this week. My psychologist recommended me to book things to do, and so I did.
My boyfriend and I went swimming at the pool, ate at a new restaurant, went to the park for a walk, played table tennis, went to a fair, watched a series, played videogames. I even went so far as to invite a girl I've been talking to on a friendship app, and her boyfriend, to go with us to experience a shooting simulator since all the cool things require at least 4 people. She said yes and then ghosted me and said nothing else.
I did all the right things. I did all these things even though sometimes I didn't feel like going and I just wanted to rot at my desk.
For all of these things we had to spend money and, really, it feels like money poorly spent. 1 hour of swimming felt like 2 minutes, same for the table tennis. 2 minutes of something that isn't sadness nor neutrality but not so far as happiness, isn't worth all the money and hassle.
Then that girl just ghosting me, it was the last drop. I know she's just a stranger on the internet but we've been talking for several weeks now, I told her I'm mentally ill and fragile, that I'm taking this seriously and she just abandons me like that. I was so fucking angry. My life is already hard as is without needing strangers to make it worse. And the ironic thing is that I made all this effort to try and make friends, to help my mental health, and then it's one of the things making it worse.
Recovery sucks. I am sick and tired of trying so hard and spending money for just crumbs of not-sadness. Something is definitely wrong with my brain and I don't think doing activities and making friends will solve it. I live in a grey world where it doesn't matter what I do, everything is sad or flavourless. I don't feel like eating, I don't feel like showering, everything is a chore, even if it's meant to "make me happy".
My boyfriend and I went swimming at the pool, ate at a new restaurant, went to the park for a walk, played table tennis, went to a fair, watched a series, played videogames. I even went so far as to invite a girl I've been talking to on a friendship app, and her boyfriend, to go with us to experience a shooting simulator since all the cool things require at least 4 people. She said yes and then ghosted me and said nothing else.
I did all the right things. I did all these things even though sometimes I didn't feel like going and I just wanted to rot at my desk.
For all of these things we had to spend money and, really, it feels like money poorly spent. 1 hour of swimming felt like 2 minutes, same for the table tennis. 2 minutes of something that isn't sadness nor neutrality but not so far as happiness, isn't worth all the money and hassle.
Then that girl just ghosting me, it was the last drop. I know she's just a stranger on the internet but we've been talking for several weeks now, I told her I'm mentally ill and fragile, that I'm taking this seriously and she just abandons me like that. I was so fucking angry. My life is already hard as is without needing strangers to make it worse. And the ironic thing is that I made all this effort to try and make friends, to help my mental health, and then it's one of the things making it worse.
Recovery sucks. I am sick and tired of trying so hard and spending money for just crumbs of not-sadness. Something is definitely wrong with my brain and I don't think doing activities and making friends will solve it. I live in a grey world where it doesn't matter what I do, everything is sad or flavourless. I don't feel like eating, I don't feel like showering, everything is a chore, even if it's meant to "make me happy".
