screamsilas
always forever with you
- Aug 14, 2024
- 4
most of the time i do feel emotional when i wanna kill myself but for the past few months ive felt so numb.
first it was self harm, where i felt like i was gonna burst if i didnt cut myself, id think about it obsessively for days and it was impossible to distract me from it
but now its suicide. i crave that release so bad, and i mean it in a literal sense. before i thought "im sad so i wanna die to escape" and now its literally "i want to feel how it feels to die from a horribly painful accident" with no emotions behind it besides desperation. its the same type of urge as the self harm urges, its so potent and so emotionless, and a part of me is scared of them.
i have recently been very happy with alot of things and i dont really want to die though these urges feel like a primal thing where im genuinley so enamored with the idea that ill be on the bus or train to work and ill have to fight off the insanely strong urge to jump infront of the moving vehicle right then and there. its a genuinley selfish thought but in my mind i want people to see, i dont know why i want innocent people to see.
just needed to get this out, if you relate at all do you have good ways to combat it? thanks.
first it was self harm, where i felt like i was gonna burst if i didnt cut myself, id think about it obsessively for days and it was impossible to distract me from it
but now its suicide. i crave that release so bad, and i mean it in a literal sense. before i thought "im sad so i wanna die to escape" and now its literally "i want to feel how it feels to die from a horribly painful accident" with no emotions behind it besides desperation. its the same type of urge as the self harm urges, its so potent and so emotionless, and a part of me is scared of them.
i have recently been very happy with alot of things and i dont really want to die though these urges feel like a primal thing where im genuinley so enamored with the idea that ill be on the bus or train to work and ill have to fight off the insanely strong urge to jump infront of the moving vehicle right then and there. its a genuinley selfish thought but in my mind i want people to see, i dont know why i want innocent people to see.
just needed to get this out, if you relate at all do you have good ways to combat it? thanks.
