latian_xy
Starved of freedom and usefullness 🤍
- Jul 30, 2026
- 2
Hello, I'm an 18-year-old woman from France. I'm autistic and most likely bipolar (I don't have a formal diagnosis, at least to my knowledge, but I've been seeing a psychiatrist and taking medication for it for years now). And part of me wants to disappear and never look back. To be honest, what I'm really looking for is freedom rather than disappearance, and a truly fulfilling life. Right now, I have very little independence or social connections (I was just starting to build some, but I'm afraid I might have made a mistake...) and my days are extremely monotonous. I have very little autonomy, largely because of my autism, with the rest due to the depression (or bipolar disorder) that I've struggled with throughout my teenage years and still have—to a lesser extent—which has led me to develop terrible lifestyle habits.
I spent a good part of my teenage years feeling suicidal, to the point of trying to end my life, but now I don't feel that way anymore. I believe in life, deeply. I feel like it's life that doesn't believe in me, that doesn't give me any chance to do anything. I want to be happy, and when I'm not haunted by my episodes or my anxiety, people describe me as sunny, cheerful, and somewhat optimistic. I don't know what I'm really feeling—my emotions are so unstable! That's it for my little introduction.
A few months ago, I tried to disappear (I was already an adult at the time). I took the meager savings I had managed to set aside, hopped on a train to Paris, and then caught a flight. I'd written a letter of voluntary resignation. It wasn't accepted, probably because of my autism and my past.
In any case, the plane and train tickets cost me all my savings, so I found myself at the airport without even enough money to get into the city. I panicked a bit at that moment because I'd already overcompensated a lot during the day, and I had the bad idea of checking to see if I'd been reported missing. It turned out I'd been classified as a "missing person of concern." I completely panicked, sending various distress messages to my psychologist in the middle of the night... Needless to say, I had to go back, even though I wasn't forced to and I don't particularly regret it in and of itself. But I also don't regret leaving in the first place. Honestly, I think either option would have been fine for me, given how empty I feel about the whole thing (just like my suicide attempt—I didn't regret surviving, but I didn't regret doing it either).
Anyway, back to the present—I'm currently living with my parents. They aren't abusive and love me deeply, as does my sister. That said, I feel terribly suffocated… I don't know if it's the autism itself (I've been diagnosed and treated for it since early childhood. Autism affects every aspect of my life, and the people I see always bring it up, probably viewing me as having less control over my choices—or even my own political views or other aspects of my life—because of it. I'm also seen as more fragile, weak, and, by default, less independent. For example. My sister, who's the same age as me, tends to spend her money on impulse buys and has little to no common sense (I have little myself, but she's worse). Personally, I'm the opposite—I'm rather frugal (although when I do go out, I always take a lot of money with me. But I hardly ever go out, so it's probably just because I get excited). So who is it that people suggest or at least consider to be placed under family guardianship? Me of course.
To be honest, I do have little—very little—autonomy in my daily life (even though people have always told me that, and I think they're partly wrong in that they believed I was incapable of taking the train on my own, which is actually very simple for me). But I know myself well enough to realize that I could probably develop that autonomy. I also know myself well enough to say that one of my biggest flaws is that I rely heavily on others (my loved ones) when they're around, and that I never try to do anything on my own when they're present, despite all I try. I try to get better at this and it's a bit better, but that all..
Anyway, whatever the case may be, for years now I've been haunted by the desire to disappear—to be free, far from the medicalization of my autism, far from my autism itself—which people constantly remind me of—far from people's preconceived notions about me, and so on. It still haunts me. I'm sorry—I'm rambling a lot and not explaining my reasons very well. But I don't know how to do it; I just know that it's visceral.
But I'm afraid to disappear because I'm still afraid that, due to my psychiatric treatment, my disappearance will be considered a cause for concern and I'll be forcibly brought back and/or have to undergo an extensive investigation to prove that I'm of sound mind. I don't even know if Im totally sane. I'd say yes, actually? Oh well, whatever. The thing is, I believe in life—but not my own—and that's why I want to leave. I want to break free from my cages and truly exist, without being the shadow of… autism? Boredom? My family?
But I don't want to be classified as a "worrying person missing." Because then, I wouldn't be able to simply tell the government, "I'm going to make a life for myself somewhere else—leave me alone and don't tell my loved ones where I am!" Because then they could bring me back and subject me to even more psychiatric treatment in two hours. But I also don't want to live like some kind of fugitive without using ID or anything. I want to live truly free, not in constant fear of being found or without any stability at all. I want to be able to go anywhere on earth (that's my biggest dream), and for that, I need a usable passport. I don't want to live in total obscurity, without a real identity—and disappearing completely "forces" me to do just that, unless I have fake papers (and even then)... Am I trapped? Will I ever be able to escape this whole… thing? Someone? Everything and nothing at the same time?
I'm not even sure I'll leave. I'm in high school (it's a long story, but I started high school late and am also on an extended academic track, so I'll finish high school at 22). I love studying! I want to get my diploma, but I can't escape and get my diploma at the same time. And honestly, I'm not sure I can handle three more years of this insipid life.
I might be able to get a semi-independent apartment, but I'm not at all sure about that. If I can get one, maybe I won't need to run away anymore. I'll just have to make sure I'm living a life where I truly exist. Well, I hope so—maybe that's a bit too optimistic on my part. But it's by no means certain that I'll be able to get it... Anyway, it's complicated—clear and confusing at the same time.
I honestly don't know what to do, but I fear that the only solution to my problem is to walk away from it all—to cut myself loose from all the ties that bind me. My family is mostly the collateral damage (and at the same time, it all stems from them). I love them, they love me deeply, and I'd cause them terrible pain—which makes me a very selfish person—but I've, so to speak, accepted that.
I don't know what to do with myself; I just want to find myself, and I'm afraid that disappearing is necessary. What should I do in this case? How can I hope that my voluntary disappearance will be accepted by the authorities so that no one will ever know where I am? (I don't plan to stay in France if I do this.)
Sorry if my story is disjointed—there's everything and nothing inside me; it's clear and completely crazy at the same time. I hope my writing style isn't off-putting or edgy.
I spent a good part of my teenage years feeling suicidal, to the point of trying to end my life, but now I don't feel that way anymore. I believe in life, deeply. I feel like it's life that doesn't believe in me, that doesn't give me any chance to do anything. I want to be happy, and when I'm not haunted by my episodes or my anxiety, people describe me as sunny, cheerful, and somewhat optimistic. I don't know what I'm really feeling—my emotions are so unstable! That's it for my little introduction.
A few months ago, I tried to disappear (I was already an adult at the time). I took the meager savings I had managed to set aside, hopped on a train to Paris, and then caught a flight. I'd written a letter of voluntary resignation. It wasn't accepted, probably because of my autism and my past.
In any case, the plane and train tickets cost me all my savings, so I found myself at the airport without even enough money to get into the city. I panicked a bit at that moment because I'd already overcompensated a lot during the day, and I had the bad idea of checking to see if I'd been reported missing. It turned out I'd been classified as a "missing person of concern." I completely panicked, sending various distress messages to my psychologist in the middle of the night... Needless to say, I had to go back, even though I wasn't forced to and I don't particularly regret it in and of itself. But I also don't regret leaving in the first place. Honestly, I think either option would have been fine for me, given how empty I feel about the whole thing (just like my suicide attempt—I didn't regret surviving, but I didn't regret doing it either).
Anyway, back to the present—I'm currently living with my parents. They aren't abusive and love me deeply, as does my sister. That said, I feel terribly suffocated… I don't know if it's the autism itself (I've been diagnosed and treated for it since early childhood. Autism affects every aspect of my life, and the people I see always bring it up, probably viewing me as having less control over my choices—or even my own political views or other aspects of my life—because of it. I'm also seen as more fragile, weak, and, by default, less independent. For example. My sister, who's the same age as me, tends to spend her money on impulse buys and has little to no common sense (I have little myself, but she's worse). Personally, I'm the opposite—I'm rather frugal (although when I do go out, I always take a lot of money with me. But I hardly ever go out, so it's probably just because I get excited). So who is it that people suggest or at least consider to be placed under family guardianship? Me of course.
To be honest, I do have little—very little—autonomy in my daily life (even though people have always told me that, and I think they're partly wrong in that they believed I was incapable of taking the train on my own, which is actually very simple for me). But I know myself well enough to realize that I could probably develop that autonomy. I also know myself well enough to say that one of my biggest flaws is that I rely heavily on others (my loved ones) when they're around, and that I never try to do anything on my own when they're present, despite all I try. I try to get better at this and it's a bit better, but that all..
Anyway, whatever the case may be, for years now I've been haunted by the desire to disappear—to be free, far from the medicalization of my autism, far from my autism itself—which people constantly remind me of—far from people's preconceived notions about me, and so on. It still haunts me. I'm sorry—I'm rambling a lot and not explaining my reasons very well. But I don't know how to do it; I just know that it's visceral.
But I'm afraid to disappear because I'm still afraid that, due to my psychiatric treatment, my disappearance will be considered a cause for concern and I'll be forcibly brought back and/or have to undergo an extensive investigation to prove that I'm of sound mind. I don't even know if Im totally sane. I'd say yes, actually? Oh well, whatever. The thing is, I believe in life—but not my own—and that's why I want to leave. I want to break free from my cages and truly exist, without being the shadow of… autism? Boredom? My family?
But I don't want to be classified as a "worrying person missing." Because then, I wouldn't be able to simply tell the government, "I'm going to make a life for myself somewhere else—leave me alone and don't tell my loved ones where I am!" Because then they could bring me back and subject me to even more psychiatric treatment in two hours. But I also don't want to live like some kind of fugitive without using ID or anything. I want to live truly free, not in constant fear of being found or without any stability at all. I want to be able to go anywhere on earth (that's my biggest dream), and for that, I need a usable passport. I don't want to live in total obscurity, without a real identity—and disappearing completely "forces" me to do just that, unless I have fake papers (and even then)... Am I trapped? Will I ever be able to escape this whole… thing? Someone? Everything and nothing at the same time?
I'm not even sure I'll leave. I'm in high school (it's a long story, but I started high school late and am also on an extended academic track, so I'll finish high school at 22). I love studying! I want to get my diploma, but I can't escape and get my diploma at the same time. And honestly, I'm not sure I can handle three more years of this insipid life.
I might be able to get a semi-independent apartment, but I'm not at all sure about that. If I can get one, maybe I won't need to run away anymore. I'll just have to make sure I'm living a life where I truly exist. Well, I hope so—maybe that's a bit too optimistic on my part. But it's by no means certain that I'll be able to get it... Anyway, it's complicated—clear and confusing at the same time.
I honestly don't know what to do, but I fear that the only solution to my problem is to walk away from it all—to cut myself loose from all the ties that bind me. My family is mostly the collateral damage (and at the same time, it all stems from them). I love them, they love me deeply, and I'd cause them terrible pain—which makes me a very selfish person—but I've, so to speak, accepted that.
I don't know what to do with myself; I just want to find myself, and I'm afraid that disappearing is necessary. What should I do in this case? How can I hope that my voluntary disappearance will be accepted by the authorities so that no one will ever know where I am? (I don't plan to stay in France if I do this.)
Sorry if my story is disjointed—there's everything and nothing inside me; it's clear and completely crazy at the same time. I hope my writing style isn't off-putting or edgy.
