I can’t wait anymore

[disappearingx]

I've been holding on for sometime now saying "I'll just wait until I'm x y/o" or some other arbitrary amount of time passes, but I feel like I'm only delaying the hard step to finally feeling at ease again. I've been trying to be patient and diligent about improving my life and my circumstances but I'm unsure how to keep moving forward, it's gotten to the point where I don't even want things to improve because things will still be awful. I just want it all to be over. I had planned to go on at least 2 years before I try to ctb again but from all the pain I've felt over the past year, I realistically see myself ctb in the next 2-4 months. Is this too impulsive? I feel like I've been thinking about this for well over half of my life and I know that there's no right or perfect time, but I'm tired of waiting. I've had enough and I already have the pieces to put together. I assume there's no time like the present

 

[Depressed Cat]

Before you decide, carefully think it out. Don't take an impulsive decision. For if you decide to CTB, there is no coming back.

I'm sorry to hear that your situation remains the same or keeps getting worse despite waiting. You never know, things may get better for you when you least expect it.

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best.

 

[amiaghola]

What made you decide to wait 2 years after you last tried to ctb?

 

[disappearingx]

What made you decide to wait 2 years after you last tried to ctb?

Mostly my education, i was hoping by the time I got a degree I could turn myself around but realized that there's ultimately nothing that can save me at this point

Before you decide, carefully think it out. Don't take an impulsive decision. For if you decide to CTB, there is no coming back.

I'm sorry to hear that your situation remains the same or keeps getting worse despite waiting. You never know, things may get better for you when you least expect it.

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best

I feel like I've done all the hard work and emotional labor, I'm mostly now just writing notes since everything has been in place for quite some time now. Thank you for your kind words

 

[CrossroadsCurious]

If you're ready, you're ready...

 

[charlie_z]

I'm sorry to hear about your plight. Much of what you've said applies to my own situation. I also keep setting dates with arbitrary goals to accomplish. May I ask what you mean by having done the "hard work and emotional labor?"

 

[FuneralCry]

It is your life, and your decision and only you know what is best for yourself. I understand that it is hard to carry on when you are tired of everything. I wish you the best, whatever happens.

 

[Crazy4u]

I am with @Depressed Cat
Don't do it unless you are 100% sure you want to ctb and you can't find solutions.

I am sorry for your suffering

 

[disappearingx]

I'm sorry to hear about your plight. Much of what you've said applies to my own situation. I also keep setting dates with arbitrary goals to accomplish. May I ask what you mean by having done the "hard work and emotional labor?"

I've pretty much done all the planning with ctb, I've written countless notes, I've decided how i want it to happen, I've sat on it for well over 10 years now and Feel like I'm just running out the clock at this point

 

[charlie_z]

I've pretty much done all the planning with ctb, I've written countless notes, I've decided how i want it to happen, I've sat on it for well over 10 years now and Feel like I'm just running out the clock at this point

I see. Again, so strange to hear my thoughts and actions carried out by someone else. I'll confess I've come very close a number of times, but I held something back at the last moment. Maybe fear, maybe ego, but I stopped. So now, ironically, I've become gun-shy about failing at my own death.