Venting I can't romanticise it anymore

[nyctophilic]

This is going to come out a big jumbled mess but I really just need how I really feel to be out there somehow.
I used to be able to romanticise how suicidal and mentally ill I was. I found it almost fun how I could starve and cut myself and wallow in self pity. I can't do that anymore. Every second I spend alive is genuinely agonising and I need a way out asap but I'm trapped here. I can't find anything to overdose on that'll kill me and I guarantee I will end up hospital-bound for the rest of my life if I attempt to slash my wrists or hang myself. The only viable option I have right now is to jump in front of a train and I have a feeling that's what I'll be doing in the next few days. I know whether I write a note or not doesn't matter, because everyone around me will have pretty much gotten over it in a week or so, but I need to find a way to explain that I wasn't meant for this world and I didn't just decide to kill myself impulsively. I can't function like a normal human being, I never have, but it gets to a point and I think I have reached it. Any suggestions on how I can CTB are appreciated.

 

[getoutgirl]

I mean in a way that's probably good?
Romanticizing ones suffering and suicidal urges is usually a way to cope with them, to make them easier. It feels nicer. When that's no longer posible, you can at least focus on ways to stop wallowing in it. If you want to die that's one way. Would you like to be able to go back to the romanticizing if you could?
When that stopped working for me too everything felt a lot more tiring and the urge imminent, but so was the desire to do literally anything else rather than wallow in it, even if I didn't have the energy most days it was an improvement in a way.
Don't know what you'll do. Train is not a great way out that I can tell you, lots of trauma on the driver and people around that's not needed imo. And generally not great if honest.
whatever you do I hope you can get that human to function if only here and there these days and it can make them more tolerable. Hugs <33