I cant make up my mind

[Im Sorry Mom]

Lately ive been thinking about suicide continuously . I want to go so bad but theres little things that stop and make me think again. I cant decide if i want to die, if i fail ill be put into states custody do to having so many attempts . If i try i cannot fail. i have to make sure it works.

 

[PeacefulTonic]

Your username describes exactly how I feel about wanting to ctb

 

[Neni]

I'm the same, I've spent the last few days in bed planning everything to ctb. But then last night, I remembered a few small things I still enjoy. So now I'm trying to weigh up if suffering most of the time is worth the few good moments.

 

[FuneralCry]

Fear of failure is one of the things that holds me back. I am scared of ending up with damage. Nobody should have to resort to methods that could fail, we all deserve an peaceful exit at a time of our own choosing. I'm sorry you are in this position, I wish you the best whatever happens.

 

[xLosthopex]

I'm the same, I've spent the last few days in bed planning everything to ctb. But then last night, I remembered a few small things I still enjoy. So now I'm trying to weigh up if suffering most of the time is worth the few good moments.

I'm pretty much the same as this
Even though I know logically that the (chronic)suffering I'm experiencing GREATLY outweighs the tiny snippets of joy I still experience now and again, it seems to somehow be enough to always keep me hanging on for yet another day…
That plus SI

And it really fucking sucks because I know that if I don't go through with it ASAP, I will be in for a far more painful and stressful death due to my Anorexia, I am seriously a ticking time bomb right now for going in to cardiac arrest due to chronic hypokalemia as a result of my anorexia, but for some reason my stupid illogical self keeps deciding to just hang on a little longer… and the fact that I've been lucky enough to acquire the gold standard, first-class bus ticket out of here I don't know why I keep making this irrational choice

 

[Neni]

I'm pretty much the same as this
Even though I know logically that the (chronic)suffering I'm experiencing GREATLY outweighs the tiny snippets of joy I still experience now and again, it seems to somehow be enough to always keep me hanging on for yet another day…
That plus SI

And it really fucking sucks because I know that if I don't go through with it ASAP, I will be in for a far more painful and stressful death due to my Anorexia, I am seriously a ticking time bomb right now for going in to cardiac arrest due to chronic hypokalemia as a result of my anorexia, but for some reason my stupid illogical self keeps deciding to just hang on a little longer… and the fact that I've been lucky enough to acquire the gold standard, first-class bus ticket out of here I don't know why I keep making this irrational choice

Really sorry to hear you are suffering like this.
I keep thinking maybe carrying on for the few good times is worth it since it's the only chance I'll have to experience them.
I've given myself a month to make all the preparations I need to and see how I feel then. I'm worried about SI. If I temporarily feel better, it might stop me, but then I'll just carry on in the same cycle I have for over 10 years.