I can't keep my damn mouth shut

[bloodfallsfirst]

Fuck my SI, fuck my SI, fuck my SI. I want to ctb - cannot express how much I want to ctb - but my SI is kicking in. I feel so unbelievably guilty. My friend has promised that if I order methods, I'll go in, and yet I can't seem to keep my damn mouth shut about my pain. I want to stop feeling obligated to confess my "sin" of wanting to hurt myself. What is wrong with me?!

Can someone please help me learn to psych myself up to keep my mouth shut about ordering SN for the three weeks it'll take to come in?

 

[Treeline589]

I'm sorry you are suffering with this. I know it can be hard and I wish I had some advice to give. Just know your not alone. I have my N and its hard to not admit to those around me

 

[13_reasons]

The reality is is that a lot of people don't care. My psychiatrist knows I ordered SN, that I now have two packages of SN, and that I worked out that I have enough to mix up 8 drinks for 8 attempts if I wanted to- that was weeks ago, and because I'm intelligent and reassuring he doesn't worry too much about it because I don't have a set date.

My husband knows that I managed to procure more after he intercepted and threw out the first two packages. He's given up because I'm quite determined to take control of this situation. He hasn't tried to find or confiscate the SN.

Moral of the story- people give up on you eventually- just need to wear them down enough so they will leave you alone.

In regards to keeping quiet about the SN- it's better to channel the nervous energy whilst waiting for it to arrive into something else that is productive. So instead of telling someone about the order- do your taxes or write a will. Sell or donate your belongings to charity. Start writing your final letters. Spend your days ticking off things on your bucket list, calling people that one final time, eat your favourite foods. It definitely helps and you'll actually feel more control of your situation and mood

 

[Red Scare]

The reality is is that a lot of people don't care.

But this person sounds as if they have friends that do care. That's more than a lot of us here can say.

 

[13_reasons]

But this person sounds as if they have friends that do care. That's more than a lot of us here can say.

Sorry - what I meant to say/ mean was that in the setting that there are people who actually care - you can't tell them what you're planning because they'll really mess things around for you. In my situation what has worked is gradually alienating myself from friends, family and colleagues - the less people you have in your life the easier it is to CTB without getting interrupted.

The ones who try to stick around anyway gradually get worn down by your determination to CTB- they eventually get too tired to care or to try and get help.

 

[its-about-time]

Can relate very very well. I have one person I could never keep myself from telling and it always resulted in me essentially being stopped. But honestly, truly honestly, I think I always told her because deep down I wanted her to stop me. I wanted to die. I still do. But I wanted someone to say "hey, you're worth being here, you need to hold on longer, if not for your sake then for mine." I feel awful for putting her through so much but in the end she really has kept me alive. Honestly.

We stopped talking and I planned suicide again. This time it was no doubt I'd do it. I didn't feel the urge to tell ANYONE, because she's the only one I'd ever tell, and we weren't talking. I became content with dying alone. Dying was an easy choice without her in the picture.

Then she re-entered my life and I'm back to being a burdensome suicidal piece of shit. If she hadn't messaged me I'd be dead hopefully by the end of this month. I might still be. But it's enormously difficult to not tell her where my head is at. I trust her and find immense comfort in her. It's so nice to not feel alone.

Anyways. This is just where I'm at. I'm not answering your question at all, just trying to relate to your situation. It's a selfish soap box. Sorry for that. I'm just emotional right now. I want to die, and could easily die, I have my SN and etc, but can't stop from telling her. If I drank it I'm frankly like 80% sure I'd immediately tell her what I've done and it would be 1. a failed/aborted attempt and 2. a repeat of all the other times I've hurt her over my self loathing. I should go to bed.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds like a really difficult situation to be in. I'm sorry that you are going through this. The SI really can be torture. I hope you find relief from pain in whatever happens.