softfuzzyman
Rot
- Aug 17, 2020
- 77
I currently live with a family member and I am trying to move out and should be able to do so sometime within the first half of 2021. And I'd be lying if I said my motive wasn't being able to CTB in private. My only problem is my cat... I don't want him to be trapped in an apartment with my body for however long. And trying to get someone else I know and trust to take him would raise a lot of suspicion. I can't just toss him onto some stranger or to a shelter. So I'd have to figure out somewhere safe for him to be during. But I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.
Anyway. I've said it a lot here before I think but whenever I talk about being suicidal, the response from the family member I live with is always just "ok. Just don't do it here." And I've even straight up said "i want to go live alone so i can do it in privacy" and she was just like... "haha ok" so yknow, I have her blessing I guess.
I'm so tired. My life is so miserable and it always has been and I'm so tired. It's so upsetting and feels like such a cruel slap to the face thinking about my family being devastated because I'm in so much pain and they don't care, they'd only care if I died. They'd rather I be alive and suffer, and it's not even like I talk to them or am present in their lives that much, than me die and make them feel bad. It's so absurd and it feels like it'd only be for appearances, to go "boohoo oh no so sad I cared about them so much" over someone who you knew was in immense suffering and who you didn't even talk to or do much with anyway. It's stupid. Just let me go.
So anyway I just have to keep it together well enough to get my own place where I can do it in privacy and peace. An adequate strength gun would really be ideal but I can't get one and even if I could I wouldn't do that indoors, I'd go park my car somewhere abandoned and call the cops immediately beforehand so they come find me so there's no risk of some random civilian accidentally finding a mess. Not that cops can't aren't also messed up by having to see and deal with that stuff, but yknow, they're more equipped/trained for it and have more experience with it and would also be warned and could prepare themselves before looking.
That aside, SN in an apartment alone (probably in the tub so any vom or whatever is easier to clean up) sometime in the next 7 or so months is what I'm looking at currently.
Thanks for reading my random venting, I dunno, I just wanted to ramble.
Anyway. I've said it a lot here before I think but whenever I talk about being suicidal, the response from the family member I live with is always just "ok. Just don't do it here." And I've even straight up said "i want to go live alone so i can do it in privacy" and she was just like... "haha ok" so yknow, I have her blessing I guess.
I'm so tired. My life is so miserable and it always has been and I'm so tired. It's so upsetting and feels like such a cruel slap to the face thinking about my family being devastated because I'm in so much pain and they don't care, they'd only care if I died. They'd rather I be alive and suffer, and it's not even like I talk to them or am present in their lives that much, than me die and make them feel bad. It's so absurd and it feels like it'd only be for appearances, to go "boohoo oh no so sad I cared about them so much" over someone who you knew was in immense suffering and who you didn't even talk to or do much with anyway. It's stupid. Just let me go.
So anyway I just have to keep it together well enough to get my own place where I can do it in privacy and peace. An adequate strength gun would really be ideal but I can't get one and even if I could I wouldn't do that indoors, I'd go park my car somewhere abandoned and call the cops immediately beforehand so they come find me so there's no risk of some random civilian accidentally finding a mess. Not that cops can't aren't also messed up by having to see and deal with that stuff, but yknow, they're more equipped/trained for it and have more experience with it and would also be warned and could prepare themselves before looking.
That aside, SN in an apartment alone (probably in the tub so any vom or whatever is easier to clean up) sometime in the next 7 or so months is what I'm looking at currently.
Thanks for reading my random venting, I dunno, I just wanted to ramble.
