I am so sick and suicidal and my family is ill

[Star67]

I'm dying everyday and have been for months. I've been suicidal on and off since 2013; I'm 30 now and have had the worst and longest depressive episode yet. I've tried multiple psychiatric drugs including bilateral ect to no avail. At my best I feel ok. I can feel some pleasure but still have Anhedonia since I was 18. For example, I don't enjoy music, which was the love of my life. My parents and I didn't have the best relationship growing up. They were young parents and dad was so angry and mum didn't know what to do. They both had rough childhoods: grandma on dad's side committed suicide when he was 15 and grandpa on mum's side died when she was 5 and was an alcoholic. Over the years, they've understood their mistakes and are so soft and lovely now. They're both sick now and having a tough time. Dad's shoulders are so damaged from years of laborious work that it's permanent and there's no cure. Mum has a heart condition. I want to stay and help them but am so depressed. My plan was to ctb next Saturday in the early hours. I'm just writing here to vent. I took the day off to drink which doesn't do much. It helps for about 2 mins then I just feel tired. I've struggled with alcoholism for a while now and been sober on and off. Peace and love to you all. I understand how rough it is. With tears in my eyes, I send love to you all eternally.