There is a big deterioration in my life quality not sure if I am ready to accept it. There is probably only one way to refuse it: suicide. I talk more openly about suicide with my parents, psychiatrist about my wish to die. Not the full truth I don't want them to know I consider to buy SN soon. I cannot sleep well in the evening I am so obsessed with suicide. Today I've met an old friend. Also severly mentally ill. HIs life quality is also not good but he does not care about it. He is like whatever I don't care. He even has a girlfriend despite the fact he behaves really rude and spreads sometimes racist/weird ideas....at least he is self-confident. I think women like that. In the opposite I am so insecure and suicidal.
We made a walk near the psychiatry where he is currently full-time due to another severe depressive episode. And still he had no real signs of wanting to die or anything. He told me he barely feels anything and he does not care about anything. There is no joy. It showed me a huge contrast to me. Even when I am way less depressed I am not really able to be happy like him. He accepts life and I always question it. During our walk we encountered many people probably also with mental illnesses. I had a big feeling of insecurity. Am I the only one who is so desperate and thinks about suicide a lot almost every single day. Everyone seemed to be so happy or at least not that terrified/desperate like me. I felt completely trapped in my thoughts and emotions. Only seldom I find people who can relate with my existential problems. David Foster Wallace wrote great stories about the feeling of being trapped. And often on SS I read people with a similar pain.
We made a walk near the psychiatry where he is currently full-time due to another severe depressive episode. And still he had no real signs of wanting to die or anything. He told me he barely feels anything and he does not care about anything. There is no joy. It showed me a huge contrast to me. Even when I am way less depressed I am not really able to be happy like him. He accepts life and I always question it. During our walk we encountered many people probably also with mental illnesses. I had a big feeling of insecurity. Am I the only one who is so desperate and thinks about suicide a lot almost every single day. Everyone seemed to be so happy or at least not that terrified/desperate like me. I felt completely trapped in my thoughts and emotions. Only seldom I find people who can relate with my existential problems. David Foster Wallace wrote great stories about the feeling of being trapped. And often on SS I read people with a similar pain.
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