Venting I am irritable and unable to help myself

[35alcoholics]

Suicide is the only option for me, yet I can't fucking do it. Not because im scared of anything of that sort. It just wont work. God keeps me alive to torture me with suicidal ideation and self destructive behaviors. I did oxy once and ive never felt so at home. I need something that will fix me, because God won't help.
I went to a new psychiatrist the other day, he told me I was faking my illness. That it was impossible to be able to do the things ive done, with a 13/6 on the DSM for schizophrenia. (I've been diagnosed previously).
I live with the burden of being on edge. Ive felt this way my whole life. I will never change, until the day i succeed. It is an unfortunate reality, but in the end.. does it matter? We put in all the effort to keep ourselves alive, but we then kill ourselves. (Whether thats an act on purpose or accident) Why? Why do we do this? Why is there an effort?
I'm on 4 pills, all for mental health. Why am I so desperate to be dead? I will never live a happy life. I wont let it happen. I can't help myself. I've felt this way since I was youthful (-10); but now, I just keep going because I figured ill wait until I die some other way than suicide. I don't want pity. I dont want sympathy. I just want a release, and to cease to exist.
Cutting myself wont help (anymore), drugs and alcohol just make me pass out and nod off, and these pills they put me on; just puts off the feeling. Those grounding techniques just make me want to kill myself even more. I am miserable, but one day it wont even matter.

 

[booplesnoot34]

1. Contact whichever place you got your diagnosis from and get the papers.
2. Report that psychiatrist. I'm going to report two psychs who refused to accurately diagnose me with level 2 autism and instead said it's my fault I don't fit in and that must mean I have a personality disorder. (I later found a competent psychiatrist who gave me the accurate level 2 autism diagnosis.)
3. They force us to live because they can still extract labor/money/entertainment from us.

 

[35alcoholics]

1. Contact whichever place you got your diagnosis from and get the papers.
2. Report that psychiatrist. I'm going to report two psychs who refused to accurately diagnose me with level 2 autism and instead said it's my fault I don't fit in and that must mean I have a personality disorder. (I later found a competent psychiatrist who gave me the accurate level 2 autism diagnosis.)
3. They force us to live because they can still extract labor/money/entertainment from us.

Damn straight. I may have to do that but my memory is just so fucking bad now id have to look for the place I got it from when I was 14-15. He deadass used this as an explanation on why im "faking it"--
1.) "You wouldn't be in college," okay so, schizophrenia makes you fucking stupid? Got it.
2.) "You wouldnt be able to function," well thats weird being the fact ive experienced these things my whole life with stressors constantly put onto me (in which, he actually told me my PTSD is a factor of not going to therapy). So whats that supposed to mean? And not to mention, he quite literally blamed me and said i was overreacting, in need of therapy, and in a position to be taken off my antipsychotic meds. They really just want your money.

There was more but I cant remember it all but man. These people just make me wan t to kill myself even more lol.

 

[booplesnoot34]

Damn straight. I may have to do that but my memory is just so fucking bad now id have to look for the place I got it from when I was 14-15. He deadass used this as an explanation on why im "faking it"--
1.) "You wouldn't be in college," okay so, schizophrenia makes you fucking stupid? Got it.
2.) "You wouldnt be able to function," well thats weird being the fact ive experienced these things my whole life with stressors constantly put onto me (in which, he actually told me my PTSD is a factor of not going to therapy). So whats that supposed to mean? And not to mention, he quite literally blamed me and said i was overreacting, in need of therapy, and in a position to be taken off my antipsychotic meds. They really just want your money.

There was more but I cant remember it all but man. These people just make me wan t to kill myself even more lol.

If your parents are still in the picture, you can ask where you got the diagnosis, or about any mental health services as a child. Heck, your old pediatrician's office may even have the names of other doctors you've seen.