Venting I am getting out of control.

[Littlewittlelight]

If I had SN in my hand today there would be a chance of me taking it impulsively. I mostly feel numb that's also a reason I want to do something but it is bearable today I feel nothing numb and feel I suffer from anhedonia I haven't been able to feel really good or something strongly most of the times apart from sadness I could feel extremely sad and it would last for days but hapiness wouldn't that long and in past two weeks I have felt angry at the world, people, and even god or something although I am not religious or ever pray but I feel I was cursed someday and I always hurt myself in one or other way now I am feeling so restless and feeling like cutting myself or hitting someone I know I won't cut myself because I am coward but I am begging someone to let me feel something today even if it's crying I can't cry I feel like throwing myself on floor or shout so bad but I can't because everyone is always around. I am so pathetic, worthless and I can't change it no matter how hard I try my bad memory my disease nothing would let me feel good about anything. I have tried in past I have fucked up more but there were times when I felt so motivated why all of sudden this feeling is coming and where from? I am so confused and numb I have never abused substance or anything in my life I feel so fucking bad that I can't even do that to help me. I have no options to feel good there is only one thing numbness and hatred for everything humans, myself, the ultimate truth and everything.

 

[Darkover]

try weed i suffer with dullness everything i use to enjoy before my brain injury is so dull now i take weed to get a good feeling of being high

 

[Littlewittlelight]

try weed i suffer with dullness everything i use to enjoy before my brain injury is so dull now i take weed to get a good feeling of being high

I can't my family doesn't smoke anything and I regret when I even smoke a lil because I always think of someone and feel I am doing wrong while I already am hurting myself just to not do what I said. I won't for this reason again and I have smoked tho but I give up things because I want to comply with what I was expected to. I feel I have held myself back so much.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand that it can be awful being trapped in a life that is just constant suffering. I'm sorry that you have to endure all this. Life is just too unfair.

 

[Littlewittlelight]

I understand that it can be awful being trapped in a life that is just constant suffering. I'm sorry that you have to endure all this. Life is just too unfair.

Yeah true it's all I could do was stay on this site feeling numb these days and poor me doesn't even have anything to smoke or distract myself with. Sometimes I think someone got me on strings.