Took a whole pill benzo. Hopefully the intervention is not too late. I think the quote of the title is something many bipolar people might can comprehend.
I have a lot of duties for college. I have to d a lot of stuff. And due to abuse performance pressure is triggering me a lot.
I wake about every single day before 5 am which is very dangerous because this is how my manic episodes begin. I felt really bad the last days but I did not want to take a break. Today I felt horrible. Pretty close to a mental breakdown which could force me to ctb.
The thing is college often makes me kind of manic. And when I am manic I don't feel exhaustion like most other people. I have so fucking much power. I also noticed it when I wrote in this forum. Sometimes I could have made incredible amounts of threads. I was kind of creative. I had so much energy.
But mentally I am declining since my sleep rhythm got out of order. I wanted to ignore it, I do not want to make a break, I just want to go through with my work. I have very high expectations on me. But honestly I feel close to the abyss. Today I did almost nothing. The hardest time to stop is the first day of the break. I asked my best friend to phone with me without him I probably could not have stopped me. There is such an inner pressure. It is insane.
The last days I was not fully aware how fucked I currently am. I was focused on college. My mania decreases my ability of self-consciousness. But today damn I feel horrible, I feel like I did not sleep a whole week. This is very dangerous and could trigger my final and last mental breakdown.
Yeah I am somewhat smart enough not to go on like that. I deeply don't want to take a break. But not donig it would extremely irrational.
I am giving me free time the next days. After the last breakdown I was unable to do anything productive for 2,5 years with extreme psychosomatic pain. I think these next days of freetime might be a good investment.
Though I think in the end my illness will eat me alive anyway. I know the courses of next semester and I think the likelihood to get manic or psychotic is roundabout 75%. I cannot cope with insecurities. And next semester will have extreme difficult courses. They will kill me. But I hope for a miracle.
I am glad my psychiatrist gives me emergency medication. I feel relaxed. But the last times they could not help me to sleep longer. I am kind of desperate. Let's hope they can save my ass at least for now.
I have a lot of duties for college. I have to d a lot of stuff. And due to abuse performance pressure is triggering me a lot.
I wake about every single day before 5 am which is very dangerous because this is how my manic episodes begin. I felt really bad the last days but I did not want to take a break. Today I felt horrible. Pretty close to a mental breakdown which could force me to ctb.
The thing is college often makes me kind of manic. And when I am manic I don't feel exhaustion like most other people. I have so fucking much power. I also noticed it when I wrote in this forum. Sometimes I could have made incredible amounts of threads. I was kind of creative. I had so much energy.
But mentally I am declining since my sleep rhythm got out of order. I wanted to ignore it, I do not want to make a break, I just want to go through with my work. I have very high expectations on me. But honestly I feel close to the abyss. Today I did almost nothing. The hardest time to stop is the first day of the break. I asked my best friend to phone with me without him I probably could not have stopped me. There is such an inner pressure. It is insane.
The last days I was not fully aware how fucked I currently am. I was focused on college. My mania decreases my ability of self-consciousness. But today damn I feel horrible, I feel like I did not sleep a whole week. This is very dangerous and could trigger my final and last mental breakdown.
Yeah I am somewhat smart enough not to go on like that. I deeply don't want to take a break. But not donig it would extremely irrational.
I am giving me free time the next days. After the last breakdown I was unable to do anything productive for 2,5 years with extreme psychosomatic pain. I think these next days of freetime might be a good investment.
Though I think in the end my illness will eat me alive anyway. I know the courses of next semester and I think the likelihood to get manic or psychotic is roundabout 75%. I cannot cope with insecurities. And next semester will have extreme difficult courses. They will kill me. But I hope for a miracle.
I am glad my psychiatrist gives me emergency medication. I feel relaxed. But the last times they could not help me to sleep longer. I am kind of desperate. Let's hope they can save my ass at least for now.
