In the past I did unbelievable things. Like learning twice as much so that I got a psychosis due to it. (I was manic.) I even learned harder during the psychosis. I can be extremely disciplined. I also suffer a lot due to it. It stems from childhood abuse. My mom pressured me in an extreme way. I still feel this insane, tormenting pressure till today. It just feels so bad to be in my skin.
Though I feel good during vacation. Having time to relax can be pretty nice. I don't relax this often. I have extreme anxiety to fail exams. But I have learned to give me at least so much breaks so that I don't get psychotic again. (hopefully)
I think the most important thing is that I don't get manic or psychotic. For me it is not that important to be happy. My main concern are my obsessive behaviors and staying somewhat stable. I need that in order to surivive.
My life currently is very mediocre. I would accept that if it stayed forever this way. But there will probably happen so much hellish stuff in the future. I feel forced to commit suicide. The past 10 years were insanly torturous. For me a mediocre life was okay. But life does not offer me that option.
One of my main concern is not being able to work. It is kind of cyncial someone as ambitious as me can't escape poverty. But it seems the be this way. My traumatas are just too crippling.
Though I feel good during vacation. Having time to relax can be pretty nice. I don't relax this often. I have extreme anxiety to fail exams. But I have learned to give me at least so much breaks so that I don't get psychotic again. (hopefully)
I think the most important thing is that I don't get manic or psychotic. For me it is not that important to be happy. My main concern are my obsessive behaviors and staying somewhat stable. I need that in order to surivive.
My life currently is very mediocre. I would accept that if it stayed forever this way. But there will probably happen so much hellish stuff in the future. I feel forced to commit suicide. The past 10 years were insanly torturous. For me a mediocre life was okay. But life does not offer me that option.
One of my main concern is not being able to work. It is kind of cyncial someone as ambitious as me can't escape poverty. But it seems the be this way. My traumatas are just too crippling.
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