I am afraid and a burden

[Water-Lily]

No matter what my therapists says, my friends say, or anyone, I will always believe I am a burden

My BPD causes me to lash out, react, and hurt other people

Every time I expect people to hurt me in return, but they don't

They just say "you didn't hurt me" or "I'm fine" or "your too hard on yourself"

But I can't believe them

I also wonder if I am not pushing myself hard enough

I was doing "ok" till I had a suicidal melt down so bad I vomited and got a headache from it

They say people with BPD should do DBT treatment but I am too afraid to dip my feet into it

My therapist lets me do therapy how I want to, but I also feel like I should push myself harder to do whats right

Then at 23 I still don't have a job and right now my dad takes care of me financially, but I still feel like a leech

I am afraid of commitment

I am afraid of effort

I am afraid....to stop being suicidal

 

[WornOutLife]

I so feel you!
I feel as a burden too!
I mean, I was a neet until a few weeks ago! This sucks!

However, we can stop being a burden if we really feel like, I think.

I mean, I even got back to work! I'll still ctb but I'm at least planning my ctb properly this time.

 

[Water-Lily]

I so feel you!
I feel as a burden too!
I mean, I was a neet until a few weeks ago! This sucks!

However, we can stop being a burden if we really feel like, I think.

I mean, I even got back to work! I'll still ctb but I'm at least planning my ctb properly this time.

Thats nice. Yeah I might end up volunteering again
I thin its good your thinking it through so you'll know what to do if you want to CTB

 

[Deleted member 24645]

No matter what my therapists says, my friends say, or anyone, I will always believe I am a burden

My BPD causes me to lash out, react, and hurt other people

Every time I expect people to hurt me in return, but they don't

They just say "you didn't hurt me" or "I'm fine" or "your too hard on yourself"

But I can't believe them

I also wonder if I am not pushing myself hard enough

I was doing "ok" till I had a suicidal melt down so bad I vomited and got a headache from it

They say people with BPD should do DBT treatment but I am too afraid to dip my feet into it

My therapist lets me do therapy how I want to, but I also feel like I should push myself harder to do whats right

Then at 23 I still don't have a job and right now my dad takes care of me financially, but I still feel like a leech

I am afraid of commitment

I am afraid of effort

I am afraid....to stop being suicidal

I've never met you and I don't know your dad, but I'm going to tell you what I think:
You're not a burden. Your father loves you. He would be devastated if you killed yourself, it would probably ruin his life (and obviously yours).
Are you on any meds? They might be helpful.
You are so young, you may not always feel this way.
Try to be nicer to yourself, take baby steps.
And try to do something every day that you find to be "fun".
Good luck <3
(I am a mom)

 

[Water-Lily]

I've never met you and I don't know your dad, but I'm going to tell you what I think:
You're not a burden. Your father loves you. He would be devastated if you killed yourself, it would probably ruin his life (and obviously yours).
Are you on any meds? They might be helpful.
You are so young, you may not always feel this way.
Try to be nicer to yourself, take baby steps.
And try to do something every day that you find to be "fun".
Good luck <3
(I am a mom)

Thank you. You are so sweet
me and my dad....well there is a bit of a grudge on my end
See my mom was horrible abuisve and fucked me over
My dad often emailed her abuse/sided with her
Though she has since passed we've talked things out and he mentioned he didnt do anything because he was afraid
I guess, I mean he was also abused too
But I still wish as a father he did something instead of joining in on the abuse

 

[Pookie]

Lashing out at people is a pre-emptive strike, sort of like "I'll hurt you before you hurt me." It's a defence mechanism. Not sure if that's what you do, but it's not uncommon for people in general to behave that way.

I used to volunteer, it helped me get out of my head space to some extent.

 

[Miss_Takes]

No matter what my therapists says, my friends say, or anyone, I will always believe I am a burden

My BPD causes me to lash out, react, and hurt other people

Every time I expect people to hurt me in return, but they don't

They just say "you didn't hurt me" or "I'm fine" or "your too hard on yourself"

But I can't believe them

I also wonder if I am not pushing myself hard enough

I was doing "ok" till I had a suicidal melt down so bad I vomited and got a headache from it

They say people with BPD should do DBT treatment but I am too afraid to dip my feet into it

My therapist lets me do therapy how I want to, but I also feel like I should push myself harder to do whats right

Then at 23 I still don't have a job and right now my dad takes care of me financially, but I still feel like a leech

I am afraid of commitment

I am afraid of effort

I am afraid....to stop being suicidal

Were all afraid .... even those who think theyve got it all together.
It sounds like you have some good people around you even if you dont trust them to see what you cant.