How to suppress the survival instinct?

[LenkaX]

I feel very bad now, my life slowly turned to a torture. Every day is pain and this pain increases minute by minute, day by day, year by year. I'm 37 but I've been longing for death since my 21. I can't stand the pain anymore.

Yet I can't kill myself. I had the opportunity to do it with the Amitriptyline Cocktail method but somehow it turned out that I had to tell the truth to my psychiatrist and he demanded that I bring all the packages of Amitriptyline to him, so I did it. I had no choice. So I wasted a big opportunity with this supposedly painless method.

Now my only remaining method is to hang myself. I know about a place near my town where nobody would be there at 2:00 am. But the problem still is that I can't just kill myself. I have very strong survival instinct which made me survive lots of times when I wanted to CTB.

Is there any way to suppress this survival instinct? I've read somewhere to take benzos like diazepam with alcohol. But I doubt it would help because the effect would be certainly that it would make my mood better, hence I would stop with CTBing no matter what.

I know that I'm in deep shits and I want to be dead but I can't kill myself. :-(

 

[I screwed up too bad]

Following

 

[WornOutLife]

I tried to supress it by taking lots of pills but when I was supposed to hang myself, I ended up unconscious on the floor and I was found next day.
I think pills can help to CTB more easily with whatever method you choose but the thing is to have a proper amount which doesn't make you pass out like it did to me.

 

[DyingAlf]

That, my friend, is the million dollar question!
If only we had the answer to that I'm sure there'd be way less members on SS (because so many of us would have successfully ctb already).
Sorry I don't have the answer for you but I would suggest that benzos & alcohol may not be the answer. In my personal experience...once I'd taken benzos (or other) & alcohol & was out of my conscious mind I then phoned for "help". (I had no recollection of doing this afterwards but my phone showed the calls.)

 

[suffering]

I wish I knew :( ............................. Every day when I wake up I say to myself I wish I was dead.

 

[Ghost2211]

I don't know what I would do for SN, but what I would do for hanging is practice passing out technique with or without the noose (not tied off). In theory getting used to the feeling of fading out will make it more familiar and comfortable. Learning to feel pleasure from hypoxia (don't overthink that too much lol) would also help with not being scared. I know the big moment is different, but positive associations should help. Perhaps I'm odd in this way.

 

[jerusalen]

can you tell us about the Amitriptyline Cocktail method please? it's the first time ive heard of it