I've been living thru absolute hell inside my own head for over 10 years now, I have always put in the work to try to get myself into better mental health, I've had many different jobs in different sectors until i leave on my own in order to pursue a different path when depression inevetiably worsens, I move to different places and different cities, try dozens upon dozens of different hobbies, volunteering, travel to different countries for months at a time just to "adventure", all of this to put myself into different lifestyles or be available and open to opportunites. it all ends with no progress, feeling further down, and depression still having the same hold and getting stronger. When depression caused me to crash what was a pretty damn good life I moved in with my parents seeking stability, which i got as well as a long term girlfriend who was great and stuck with me much longer than she should have. my depression does not care what is going on in my life it digs in and has its way.
I developed anhedonia while living with them and seeing her and that eroded the relationship... I pushed her away because I felt nothing and no matter what i tried or how long passed or various medication and work with a psychiatrist, I just felt nothing and when it wasnt nothing i felt awful. and boy did i try to explore everything that might spark some interest or feeling. I was glad when the relationship ended as I had been trying to get the message across bluntly and subtly for quite some time. I moved in hopes of a new city offereing better healthcare and my own home allowing me to be more myself, but things have only gotten worse. I am at a point where this anhedonia is as bad as the depression that made my thoughts revolve around suicide everyday for 10 years, I didn't even know what anhedonia was a few years ago when i crashed and moved in with my parents to seek more help. now whenever i try to do things I have 0 mental participation and it just makes me see how dead i am compared to all the people around me, I cant play games or watch movies since the anhedonia just severes any interest that would otherwise be there and I don't bother because it just feels flat. But there is still anxiety and depression that get me, stress and overthingking from anxiety trigger spirals where they mix and intermingal and there exists a voice inside my head that creates a very hostile environment. this is extreme, it is an absolute living hell, my good days shouldn't even pass for someone elses neutral. But I have such an aversion to suicide, I would love to be able to accomplish it, but I keep pushing and trying and fighting on and it has never gotten any better. it feels like i will never be able to kill myself but I am stuck living inside this absolute hell with no reprieve, there are no good days, there are no days where i have hope, it is just me feeling miserable and tortured and watching myself decline as the years pass by, I don't have the personality I used to have, and i dont have the intelligence or awareness i used to have, I have watched it erode.
Today I found that this new city does not have better healthcare, I went down all the proper avenues, and found out I would be waiting several months to even over a year to get in with a new psychiatrist and it is the same wait time to see a psychotherapist that heralth insurance covers. The local mental health and substance abuse clinic recomended i try the emergency a the hospital, went there and felt out of place as i am not catatonic and not someone who the cops bring in, I have all my faculties. I had to try to sum up what the problem was and was just met with a recomendation to stay with my previous psychiatrist who is 10 hours away ( and who suddenly stopped seeing patients in the fall and didn't notify them when he started back up a few months later, so i had no psychiatrist up until a couple weeks ago when i phoned his office to get a referal and found out he came back to work.), as the wait time to see someone here is that several months to over a year. I try to tell them I am suicidal, the hell my own head puts me thru and how constant and dire it is. at this point this new city has completely failed me for healthcare. I have one option which is ketamine therapy and a hope to hell that it can pan out but as with the medical system there is little garauntee of things working out. I will push to get into ketamine therapy with my psychiatrist, but if that does not work out it is sodium nitrite for me. already there is a strong desire in me to not even do therapy, to just end things, but that will have to battle this aversion to suicide... as it already has been for months and i feel caught in the middle. I could say so so much more as i feel like I have done so much to fight to live depression free, but it's as if the floor keeps falling apart the further i get and leaving me with suicide as the only option to get out of this hell.
maybe I get ketamine therapy or maybe i finally put an end to my life. These forums have provided information i need to achieve the suicide route and I thank them for clarifying what is a very murky and hard to resolve subject. But a warning to people that depression can get worse and things change in ways you do not expect
I developed anhedonia while living with them and seeing her and that eroded the relationship... I pushed her away because I felt nothing and no matter what i tried or how long passed or various medication and work with a psychiatrist, I just felt nothing and when it wasnt nothing i felt awful. and boy did i try to explore everything that might spark some interest or feeling. I was glad when the relationship ended as I had been trying to get the message across bluntly and subtly for quite some time. I moved in hopes of a new city offereing better healthcare and my own home allowing me to be more myself, but things have only gotten worse. I am at a point where this anhedonia is as bad as the depression that made my thoughts revolve around suicide everyday for 10 years, I didn't even know what anhedonia was a few years ago when i crashed and moved in with my parents to seek more help. now whenever i try to do things I have 0 mental participation and it just makes me see how dead i am compared to all the people around me, I cant play games or watch movies since the anhedonia just severes any interest that would otherwise be there and I don't bother because it just feels flat. But there is still anxiety and depression that get me, stress and overthingking from anxiety trigger spirals where they mix and intermingal and there exists a voice inside my head that creates a very hostile environment. this is extreme, it is an absolute living hell, my good days shouldn't even pass for someone elses neutral. But I have such an aversion to suicide, I would love to be able to accomplish it, but I keep pushing and trying and fighting on and it has never gotten any better. it feels like i will never be able to kill myself but I am stuck living inside this absolute hell with no reprieve, there are no good days, there are no days where i have hope, it is just me feeling miserable and tortured and watching myself decline as the years pass by, I don't have the personality I used to have, and i dont have the intelligence or awareness i used to have, I have watched it erode.
Today I found that this new city does not have better healthcare, I went down all the proper avenues, and found out I would be waiting several months to even over a year to get in with a new psychiatrist and it is the same wait time to see a psychotherapist that heralth insurance covers. The local mental health and substance abuse clinic recomended i try the emergency a the hospital, went there and felt out of place as i am not catatonic and not someone who the cops bring in, I have all my faculties. I had to try to sum up what the problem was and was just met with a recomendation to stay with my previous psychiatrist who is 10 hours away ( and who suddenly stopped seeing patients in the fall and didn't notify them when he started back up a few months later, so i had no psychiatrist up until a couple weeks ago when i phoned his office to get a referal and found out he came back to work.), as the wait time to see someone here is that several months to over a year. I try to tell them I am suicidal, the hell my own head puts me thru and how constant and dire it is. at this point this new city has completely failed me for healthcare. I have one option which is ketamine therapy and a hope to hell that it can pan out but as with the medical system there is little garauntee of things working out. I will push to get into ketamine therapy with my psychiatrist, but if that does not work out it is sodium nitrite for me. already there is a strong desire in me to not even do therapy, to just end things, but that will have to battle this aversion to suicide... as it already has been for months and i feel caught in the middle. I could say so so much more as i feel like I have done so much to fight to live depression free, but it's as if the floor keeps falling apart the further i get and leaving me with suicide as the only option to get out of this hell.
maybe I get ketamine therapy or maybe i finally put an end to my life. These forums have provided information i need to achieve the suicide route and I thank them for clarifying what is a very murky and hard to resolve subject. But a warning to people that depression can get worse and things change in ways you do not expect
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