If the rest of my life, or even the next 10 years, follows the trajectory of the last 10, it's going to be continuing stagnation/limited growth. Best outcome, if I manage to avoid the insane self-sabotage I was doing the last couple years, is: continue to struggle with these intense thoughts & feelings, half-heartedly manage a job and an apartment and a limited life with limited income etc, be lonely, no long term partner or real successes or family of my own etc. That is why I'm having a lot of trouble convincing myself it's worth it to live, even as I'm terrified of death and know I don't want to ctb right now. Today I was on a 3-story high overlook and imagined jumping and my legs just froze up and dread welled up in my stomach. Sigh. It is torture to live like this, not wanting to die but knowing I don't know how to live, that I'll always have to live with a reasonable degree of unfulfillment, regret, anger, sadness, etc. God fucking dammit. How do I motivate myself to live, knowing my circumstances / temperament / etc.?
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Desperado
- May 3, 2025
- 100
The thing that helped me was understanding that nothing in this world means anything. It's all pointless.
Once you internalize that fact, it's liberating rather than depressing. You find yourself free to do what you want to do and set your own measure of success rather than use others' measure.
Just remember that you've got nothing to prove. If you feel like half a failure, well that means you're half a success as well. And maybe that's good enough.
