Method How to CTB with less chance of SI?

[Timelapse]

tl;dr : can 400 Ativan make you CTB?


I need a way out.
I'm not in crisis.
Ive been wanting to CTB for 25 years.
I'm resolved.
I tried therapy.
A less invasive type of Electroconvulsive therapy.
I get injected every 9 weeks with Trynza for 15 years now.
I swallowed pills for 20 years.
Nothing works.
I'm numb.
Nobody seems to be able to help.
All they tell me to do is to keep on going with the pain.
No matter what.
But I'm tired.
Ive giving up on life a long time ago.
I'm just a shell of a person.
I'm tired of my needs.
I just want to sleep and not wake up.
I do nothing all day and night.
I stay on the surface of everything.
There is no joy.
Not even stability.
Only despair.
Ive been a recluse all my life.
I haven't amplified my mind.
My thought process is lacking positivity.
But I am coherent.
My senses are clear.
I just need someone to point me in the right direction.

Swallowing over 400 Ativan, would that make someone CTB?

Nothing else.
No alcohol.
Haven't eaten for 2 days.

I'm also contemplating doing a partial.

Ive looked up how to do knots (barely).
not sure if I got it right but I have 2 arbor knots on 1 rope.
But the idea of a partial seems gruesome.
but I like that its quick (i hope)

Honestly
I'm still here because I don't know what I'm doing.

Ive tried many times to CTB to no avail.

Ive been told many times not to over do it with speed or you die.
Swallowing 60 ICE didn't do jack shit.
I just stayed up for 4 days.

Ive tried to get run over (while in crisis mode)
Ive learned from an honest cop that I shouldn't put that burden on someone else
That if I need to leave, I should find the right resources and make a plan that would impact my environment the least.
To not leave it to chance and end up paralyzed and suffering more.
Well here I am.
Looking for guidelines.
Imploring for eternal peace.

My diagnosis is
Schizo-Affective disorder
Borderline Personality disorder

I'm sick and tired of myself.
My recurring thoughts.
My flipping of emotions.
My impulsiveness.
The fact that I don't know how to love.
That I never had my person.
That I never was one with someone.
That I will never be a father to a child of my own.
The fact that I never worked a day in my life.
That I was never part of a team.
That I will never feel fulfilled.

I'm just tired of being a mess of a person.
After 37 years.
If you ain't proper.
If you ain't right with your life.
Chances are you will never be.
I don't see myself in 10 years.
I've never seen myself in a future.

Please help me disappear.

 

[Well_Its_Time]

I'm sorry that you are going thru this. We are here to support you. Glad I found this group. I suffer each and every f***ing day.

 

[stockyman]

I'm sorry that you are going thru this. We are here to support you. Glad I found this group. I suffer each and every f***ing day.

what does SI mean?

 

[Well_Its_Time]

Survival instinct.

 

[Bert2233]

Final Exit Network - Final Exit Network

We Support The Human Right To A Death With Dignity We hold that mentally competent adults who suffer from a terminal illness, intractable physical pain, chronic or progressive physical disabilities, or who face loss of autonomy and selfhood through dementia, have a basic human right to choose

finalexitnetwork.org

 

[2minutes2ctb]

I'm just tired of being a mess of a person.
After 37 years.
If you ain't proper.
If you ain't right with your life.
Chances are you will never be.
I don't see myself in 10 years.
I've never seen myself in a future.

I'm sorry you feel this way, and at the same time, I can relate so much to those words. 35 years of life, for 2 years of screwing up and being haunted night and day by poor life decisions. I need to go too.

 

[living4others]

I will use loads of benzos to try to minimalize my SI.

 

[BlueLock]

I'm sorry you're going through this, it sounds like you've had a really rough life. And maybe it means nothing coming from a stranger but I like your Heimerdinger profile pic, I never played league but I really enjoyed him in Arcane he's a pretty funny guy, I'm glad there's other people who like him.

 

[DZLWZL]

Fuck almost everything you wrote is bang on for how I feel.. i'm 41 and hae the same diagnoses,.. same empty feeling.. never felt whole.. the only time i ever had "purpose" in life was when i fully gave my life to an addiction.. now that i'm 9 years sober i just feel completely fucking numb

 

[ztoi]

tl;dr : can 400 Ativan make you CTB?


I need a way out.
I'm not in crisis.
Ive been wanting to CTB for 25 years.
I'm resolved.
I tried therapy.
A less invasive type of Electroconvulsive therapy.
I get injected every 9 weeks with Trynza for 15 years now.
I swallowed pills for 20 years.
Nothing works.
I'm numb.
Nobody seems to be able to help.
All they tell me to do is to keep on going with the pain.
No matter what.
But I'm tired.
Ive giving up on life a long time ago.
I'm just a shell of a person.
I'm tired of my needs.
I just want to sleep and not wake up.
I do nothing all day and night.
I stay on the surface of everything.
There is no joy.
Not even stability.
Only despair.
Ive been a recluse all my life.
I haven't amplified my mind.
My thought process is lacking positivity.
But I am coherent.
My senses are clear.
I just need someone to point me in the right direction.

Swallowing over 400 Ativan, would that make someone CTB?

Nothing else.
No alcohol.
Haven't eaten for 2 days.

I'm also contemplating doing a partial.

Ive looked up how to do knots (barely).
not sure if I got it right but I have 2 arbor knots on 1 rope.
But the idea of a partial seems gruesome.
but I like that its quick (i hope)

Honestly
I'm still here because I don't know what I'm doing.

Ive tried many times to CTB to no avail.

Ive been told many times not to over do it with speed or you die.
Swallowing 60 ICE didn't do jack shit.
I just stayed up for 4 days.

Ive tried to get run over (while in crisis mode)
Ive learned from an honest cop that I shouldn't put that burden on someone else
That if I need to leave, I should find the right resources and make a plan that would impact my environment the least.
To not leave it to chance and end up paralyzed and suffering more.
Well here I am.
Looking for guidelines.
Imploring for eternal peace.

My diagnosis is
Schizo-Affective disorder
Borderline Personality disorder

I'm sick and tired of myself.
My recurring thoughts.
My flipping of emotions.
My impulsiveness.
The fact that I don't know how to love.
That I never had my person.
That I never was one with someone.
That I will never be a father to a child of my own.
The fact that I never worked a day in my life.
That I was never part of a team.
That I will never feel fulfilled.

I'm just tired of being a mess of a person.
After 37 years.
If you ain't proper.
If you ain't right with your life.
Chances are you will never be.
I don't see myself in 10 years.
I've never seen myself in a future.

Please help me disappear.

I am sorry for asking, but how do i get ativan without a doctor prescribing it to me?