How to comfort someone?

[yume_]

So, I started thinking about this after a friend of mine started to vent to me.

He first started talking love talk, how he really liked this girl and how their relationship was going to shit.

I was thinking and even said to him that he was asking the worst person for this. I have no experience in love and have always been running away just so I can't be hurt.

There were many silent moments during this and it was very uncomfortable in general. But like, I can't give any advices as I just have no experience in this.

Later, he talked about how shitty his life has been and all the things he suffered from, like losing close relatives. Btw, I'm also the worst person to talk about this, my relationship with relatives is completely non-existent.


I read a lot of posts here, and people suffer a lot, I guess if they didn't they wouldn't be here. I think people here on sasu are pretty nice, I actually want to talk more to you guys, but I have no idea how to comfort someone, especially when I haven't passed through the same experience.

My friend later said that talking to me helped, but I can't feel like that helped at all. I guess being heard is already something, but I wanted to help more, maybe give advices? But I also don't want to fake understanding or to give bad advice.

So I ask you guys, how to comfort someone?

 

[NihilDoll]

I can only speak for myself obviously, but the most comforting thing is understanding and the truth.
This is where SaSu shines in my opinion. SaSu is a place where you can take of the mask. Where you can speak your mind about whatever is on your mind.
And it is a place where people can face the truth without judgement.

Believe me, talking *does* help tremendously, when it reaches someone who understands.
Talking from mask to mask isn't helpful, in some cases, it makes things even worse because it drives the point home just how fake everything has become.

But being able to openly speak your mind, no filter, no moral judgement, and just getting honest feedback, even if said feedback might sting... for me, it has been the biggest healing factor.
If you can't give advice, if you don't know what to say, saying just that is actually more than enough.
You listen, you understand and no one expects you to be the solution to every problem. And you don't need to be.
Be honest, just listening is already more than many are willing to offer.

 

[idfwlnh]

But being able to openly speak your mind, no filter, no moral judgement, and just getting honest feedback, even if said feedback might sting... for me, it has been the biggest healing factor.

At times, on messages, just by "listening", it feels empty somehow I'm not sure. But then I'm not sure what to say, like, am I supposed to encourage their idea or something? It is kinda clear that just making them talk all the way and we don't say anything feels like we don't care enough

 

[NihilDoll]

At times, on messages, just by "listening", it feels empty somehow I'm not sure. But then I'm not sure what to say, like, am I supposed to encourage their idea or something? It is kinda clear that just making them talk all the way and we don't say anything feels like we don't care enough

Sometimes, just saying things for the sake of saying things feels a lot emptier than just saying "I understand, i don't know what to say, but i'm always here to listen".
Empty words are much more silent than unspoken sympathy.

 

[idfwlnh]

Sometimes, just saying things for the sake of saying things feels a lot emptier than just saying "I understand, i don't know what to say, but i'm always here to listen".
Empty words are much more silent than unspoken sympathy.

Ahh I see, much appreciated!

 

[yume_]

If you can't give advice, if you don't know what to say, saying just that is actually more than enough.
You listen, you understand and no one expects you to be the solution to every problem. And you don't need to be.
Be honest, just listening is already more than many are willing to offer.

Yeah, Ig being honest is the best to do in these situations.

I wanted to be more helpful, but until I have actual good advice I'll stick to listening.

Do you have advice to not be awkward in these kind of situations? Or is it just a natural thing?

My social anxiety shines in these moments lol

 

[NihilDoll]

Yeah, Ig being honest is the best to do in these situations.

I wanted to be more helpful, but until I have actual good advice I'll stick to listening.

Do you have advice to not be awkward in these kind of situations? Or is it just a natural thing?

My social anxiety shines in these moments lol

Sadly, no
I have Aspergers, i'm pretty much hard-coded to being socially awkward :3
I personally made a habit of being very upfront with it. I just tell people "I don't know what to say" or "I can't really handle that (say, when a compliment comes my way).
It will never be really easy, social anxieties are like getting a lion to jump through burning hoops sometimes.

The best thig i found, at least for me, is to be honest up-front. It gives me a solid, internal foundation. It takes away a lot of my internal guesswork if what i said or did came off the way i intended it to be. Now they know things may sound awkward, but are meant in good will.
It doesn't make things necessarily easy, but a lot more predictable for me.

 

[Forever Sleep]

It can help tremendously just to be able to vent to someone who is willing to listen to it all. I think sometimes, just the recognition that we are struggling in life is enough.

With regards to giving advice though- I think everyone is different. So- responses that may help someone may not help another. I prefer my struggles to be validated. So- someone recognizing something is difficult for me comforts me. For a friend though, it tended to have the opposite effect of making them think they did in fact have something very serious to worry about. So- maybe part of it is trying to figure out what supports them best.

Maybe you could look at asking them more questions as oppossed to trying to give advice. What are they hoping for with this girl? Do they get to see them much? Do they talk to them? What is it they like about them so much? When I had crushes on people, I was so desperate to talk about them.

Some things don't really have solutions though. We can't bring loved ones back from the dead. I also think it's fine to say that you want to be able to relate to them to better support them but, you haven't had those experiences in your life. I'm sure your friend appreciates that you want to support them.