How old were you when you first became suicidal

[Fthis]

Just wondering how old you were when you were first suicidal.

 

[JustAMatterOfTime]

Puberty

 

[sunsetintehwoods]

Ugh, just remembered how hard existence kicks in when i was 3yo.

 

[PrettyMoose]

I remember having my first suicidal thought when I was around 11. I imagined hanging myself off of a staircase by my bedroom.

 

[disillusionment]

My first suicidal thought was at age 9, I made a promise to myself that "if things get any worse, I can just kill myself". I said that as if it were so easy lol. Life has gotten wayyy way worse since then and I'm still here. I don't think that counts so I'll say 17 because that's when I started actively looking for suicide methods and making plans.

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

Late bloomer here, apathy and passive suicidality pulled up at 17. Then over the years of pain and failure it turned active and now I'm choosing between being NEET in the basement for several years to soften the blow on my family or just ripping off the band-aid ASAP.

 

[Trisolaris]

When all my mental shit started at 16-17. But real active suicidality only at the age of 30.

 

[narval]

Around when i was 10 years. It got worse with years. At 16 i thought for first time i would't overcome the idea. Now i'm 29 and, unless miracle, i'll commit this year.

 

[Bootleg Astolfo]

Early elementary school, I didnt even fully understand what death was, but I knew i didnt want to continue living being treated like absolute trash by everyone. insert my entire life being treated like subhuman filth by every single person ive had to deal with

 

[Odwin]

Now i'm 29 and, unless miracle, i'll commit this year.

What a coincidence. I am 29 aswell and have the same thought

 

[UseItOrLoseIt]

Younger than 10. Early elementary school. Have a vivid memory of myself crying in front of a mirror wailing that I'm ugly and want to die. Maybe I didn't want to actually die, but the seed was planted around that time.

 

[Odwin]

Younger than 10. Early elementary school. Have a vivid memory of myself crying in front of a mirror wailing that I'm ugly and want to die. Maybe I didn't want to actually die, but the seed was planted.

Does this count? I was once mad I don't know why was about 8-9 years old and I went to kitchen and get a knife and thought about suicide.

 

[UseItOrLoseIt]

Does this count? I was once mad I don't know why was about 8-9 years old and I went to kitchen and get a knife and thought about suicide.

It doesn't. But like I've said, a seed was planted around that time. Plus, hearing my father saying to my mother after every argument (and they argued every day) that he's gonna hang himself didn't help.

 

[Odwin]

It doesn't. But like I've said, a seed was planted around that time. Plus, hearing my father saying to my mother after every argument (and they argued every day) that he's gonna hang himself didn't help.

Yeah I thought so. That's the reason it began for me with 21 and by 23 I had a time limit

 

[UseItOrLoseIt]

Yeah I thought so. That's the reason it began for me with 23

In my case, it really began in high school. That's when I started abusing pills and learning to make nooses.

 

[ClairyFairy]

I can't remember exactly when but I can't ever remember a time where it wasn't an option to me

 

[LastLoveLetter]

About 4. I didn't understand what suicide meant, but I knew I didn't belong, and often said "I want to die" or "I was an accident." I became more actively suicidal - and more aware of what that actually meant - around the age of 9/10

 

[Breakout92]

I was like 12 when my parents punished me for a bad grade by taking away all my at home entertainment. I relied on that stuff (tv, video games, books) as an escape mechanism for the otherwise rough situation i was in at school, so without them i was a wreck. I used to come home and lie on the couch and wail to my mom that i wanted to kill myself, and i thought about taking a whole bottle of tylenol to do it.

Then again at 15 i become actutely suicidal again without an obvious trigger and that's lasted mostly non stop since then.

 

[DarkWolf]

I had my first thought of wanting to die/preoccupation with death around 7/8 I can't remember exactly. Then it subsided for a little bit. Then I become chronically suicidal around 12ish I think. Couldn't stop the thoughts of jumping off a cliff.
It's hard for me to recall as I have dissociative amnesia.

 

[DetachedDreamer97]

18

 

[WornOutLife]

I find it quite interesting and shocking how the majority of the answers is 10-15.
I've been suicidal since I was 12 so, I belong to that scale too.

Damn, how and why has this happened to us, my dear SS fellows? We never asked to be born and here we are, suffering and being suicidal since we were just some innocent teens in this nonsense world.

 

[Rue89]

For most of my childhood I lived next to a railroad. Around 8 years old I would imagine jumping in front of a train. When my mom would light candles I imagined knocking them over, starting a fire and dying in it. (In those scenarios the rest of my family always got out fine.) I know those thoughts weren't serious, but I do wonder if they sowed the idea in my mind.

I had my first serious thoughts when I was 15. I had already struggled with anxiety for years, then high school sucked and I became depressed too. The pressure put on me to decide what I wanted to do with the rest of my life didn't help either. I thought it was too soon and thinking about it scared me. Death seemed easier to me. I've been suicidal ever since.

 

[BandAddict]

First suicidal thoughts around 7, actively suicidal once I hit my teens. Attempts started at 16.

 

[scarletohara]

i was around 5 when my memories started, my first attempt was around 7/8 with my mothers diazepam. ive never wanted to live, ive never belonged anywhere and life has always been unbearable, every day hurts

 

[FuneralCry]

I've never really liked living my whole life, but I think I began to recognise that I preferred the option of death when I was 11. I think these types of thoughts and my hostility towards existing are simply wired into my mental thought processes.

 

[scarletohara]

I've never really liked living my whole life, but I think I began to recognise that I preferred the option of death when I was 11. I think these types of thoughts and my hostility towards existing are simply wired into my mental thought processes.

i wonder if i was wired different to other normal people, my brother ended his life when he was around 40 after a tumultuous life, maybe its hereditary

 

[greyismyfavecolor]

I can hardly remember anything about my childhood. But I remember I made the first plan to kill myself when I was 13. As you can see, I obviously didn't go through with it.

 

[voyager]

More than 85% of us before age twenty. Makes you wonder how many of us could've lived perfectly normal lives if only we had made it to adulthood. Entire lives ruined before they even started. It's sad.

PS: And yes, 16 here.

 

[Joplin]

Think about this often, I was only 15 and it was triggered by my parents divorce. Then one day when my mom came to fetch my bro and i from a visiting day with my dad and he said a goodbye to us implying he was going to ctb and never see us again. We all three cried and I felt so hopeless.
He never did ctb and I've wanted to pretty much every year since. 22 years of mental illness and we are both just intelligent otherwise. It's so sad. he's now lost everything he's ever had in his life from alcoholism and his own untreated mental illness. He's even lost his place to stay. I hope I don't end up like that.
My cousin also ctb from CO in his car. i hate that we are here beyond our control. Wish I could let someone else take my place. Someone that wants to be around.

 

[In2TheVoid]

23 (2020) was a bad year