SoulWhisperer
Severe Medical Phobia « MtF »
- Nov 13, 2023
- 478
PS: I am not looking for a diagnosis, a cure or any sort of suggestion.
As of the time of me writing this, I feel an anxiety so sharp it feels like the grim reaper is breathing on my neck (PS Edit: Listening to "Madness and Paranoia" album by Kevin MacLeod to not go even more insane). I am not okay mentally, never was since years now. And on top of that I feel like some sort of psychopathy lurking within me just waiting to be ignited. Intrusive thoughts are terrifying and always extremely violent, I have to rely to literally blanking out my mind after my father yells at me because the trauma of the abuse is too big.
My mind just goes blank, dissociation-level and I stop feeling anything, I focus on an invisible point in my mind and disregard my surroundings, standing still or moving mechanically if I was doing something. Doing this several times reached a point where sometimes it is even involuntary and it reached a point of it becoming painful.
I have no escape, I am afraid of everything, I am too weak to do anything, I TRIED I TRIED I TRIED BRO HELL DID I TR-. I know it is just a matter of time before this toxic household implodes on itself, I am unwillingly living to see that day.
Today, for example, after the umpteenth argument (via text) with my parents I was literally so stressed out I was questioning hopping off the bus in the random town I was and spend the rest of the day (3 PM) outside, staying awake until 6 AM and then skipping school because no sleep would prevent me from attending any sort of class. I genuinely evaluated that, and said that another word and I was gonna do it. However it calmed down (the argument) a bit so I settled for not talking to anyone while being forced elsewhere. I ate as fast as I could and left ON SPOT, spent 2h outside walking and listening to music to not make a stupid attempt. Doing those sort of things, going outside to unwind, used to help me, but now I almost feel the same if not worse when I'm outside.
The incident happens and my life is over. I just wanna CTB, I don't have any method here, any resource. Just kitchen knives and a 2nd floor flat. Near my house is a railway, a church and a graveyard, along with the woods with a creek. That is what I have here, mostly.
I have read a lot of resource posts here, I know what is effective and what isn't. But I wonder, would my exasperation and desperation be enough to allow me to slit myself? I wish I had a high bridge, building or tower, I would love to just jump into my own certain death.
Fuck this life, I literally feel unsafe RIGHT NOW in this house, where at any fucking time something bad could happen.
I AM ALONE. NO ONE CARES ABOUT ME. NO ONE UNDERSTANDS OR WISHES TO UNDERSTAND ME IN REAL LIFE. NOBODY, NO-FUCKING-BODY. I can die without knowing how cigs, e-cigs, alcohol and drugs feel like. I can die without knowing what love is, without having worked a single day, without having made a single dollar on my own in my life, without having had any sexual experience, without having dated anyone, without having had anyone to actually love me, dying without a driver license, without any worthy education certifications, dying without ever knowing what it feels like to paint your nails, wear a skirt or do make-up. Dying without anything because I don't have anything. I am worthless. I despise myself, I hate myself. I hate everything.
So here is what I think could happen one of the following days, up to 2 years or so:
- My life ending with an even more pitiful death, after deathly shit happened.
As of the time of me writing this, I feel an anxiety so sharp it feels like the grim reaper is breathing on my neck (PS Edit: Listening to "Madness and Paranoia" album by Kevin MacLeod to not go even more insane). I am not okay mentally, never was since years now. And on top of that I feel like some sort of psychopathy lurking within me just waiting to be ignited. Intrusive thoughts are terrifying and always extremely violent, I have to rely to literally blanking out my mind after my father yells at me because the trauma of the abuse is too big.
My mind just goes blank, dissociation-level and I stop feeling anything, I focus on an invisible point in my mind and disregard my surroundings, standing still or moving mechanically if I was doing something. Doing this several times reached a point where sometimes it is even involuntary and it reached a point of it becoming painful.
I have no escape, I am afraid of everything, I am too weak to do anything, I TRIED I TRIED I TRIED BRO HELL DID I TR-. I know it is just a matter of time before this toxic household implodes on itself, I am unwillingly living to see that day.
Today, for example, after the umpteenth argument (via text) with my parents I was literally so stressed out I was questioning hopping off the bus in the random town I was and spend the rest of the day (3 PM) outside, staying awake until 6 AM and then skipping school because no sleep would prevent me from attending any sort of class. I genuinely evaluated that, and said that another word and I was gonna do it. However it calmed down (the argument) a bit so I settled for not talking to anyone while being forced elsewhere. I ate as fast as I could and left ON SPOT, spent 2h outside walking and listening to music to not make a stupid attempt. Doing those sort of things, going outside to unwind, used to help me, but now I almost feel the same if not worse when I'm outside.
The incident happens and my life is over. I just wanna CTB, I don't have any method here, any resource. Just kitchen knives and a 2nd floor flat. Near my house is a railway, a church and a graveyard, along with the woods with a creek. That is what I have here, mostly.
I have read a lot of resource posts here, I know what is effective and what isn't. But I wonder, would my exasperation and desperation be enough to allow me to slit myself? I wish I had a high bridge, building or tower, I would love to just jump into my own certain death.
Fuck this life, I literally feel unsafe RIGHT NOW in this house, where at any fucking time something bad could happen.
I AM ALONE. NO ONE CARES ABOUT ME. NO ONE UNDERSTANDS OR WISHES TO UNDERSTAND ME IN REAL LIFE. NOBODY, NO-FUCKING-BODY. I can die without knowing how cigs, e-cigs, alcohol and drugs feel like. I can die without knowing what love is, without having worked a single day, without having made a single dollar on my own in my life, without having had any sexual experience, without having dated anyone, without having had anyone to actually love me, dying without a driver license, without any worthy education certifications, dying without ever knowing what it feels like to paint your nails, wear a skirt or do make-up. Dying without anything because I don't have anything. I am worthless. I despise myself, I hate myself. I hate everything.
So here is what I think could happen one of the following days, up to 2 years or so:
- My life ending with an even more pitiful death, after deathly shit happened.
