Help How have you gotten over how much CTB will affect the people you know?

[homie.ostasis]

I've wanted to CTB for so long like as long as I can remember but I've never been fully sure because I know how much it would impact the people I know. For a while it was mainly just about my parents and my siblings. I have 5 sisters and I'm very close with my mom, who has been through so so much like it's insane, and my dad I haven't spoken to in a long time because he's been in a manic episode for about two years maybe. I know my mom would be devastated like I don't know for sure but I wouldn't be surprised if she CTB after I do and if not she would be like so badly affected I can't even imagine, my siblings don't deserve it either I'm close with some and not others but either way they're my sisters and I know they'd each be impacted, and my dad I don't know when he'd find out but when he does I imagine he'd just get even worse mentally. That was before I became close with my friends and got a boyfriend. Now, my friends would be affected because they know me well and we hangout often. Like even the ones I'm not close with it would probably be shocking because they don't really know the extent of my like depression and some don't even know I have it, also I feel like it's probably traumatizing even slightly when someone you see/talk to often suddenly dies. And then my boyfriend, he knows probably more than anyone how I feel though he doesn't know all of it. He knows I've thought about CTB in the past but I told him it was only a thought and never a real consideration and he has no idea I am now. He's told me directly if I killed myself he would too, and usually I wouldn't believe something like that but he's attempted one time before and I know how much past break ups have affected him so I at least slightly believe it or at least that he believes he would. Back to my mom, I know how much she'd blame herself like she would be so so hard on herself about it I cry just thinking about it like it would be so much for her and I don't know how she'd handle it.

I wish everyone could just forget about me so I could do it without worrying about them. I even feel guilty thinking about whatever paramedic or whoever else finds me and has to see me like that. It's so hard for me to even plan it out knowing how everyone I care about will feel afterwards, how have you guys gotten over/past that?

If they could all understand I'm a burden (and I know everyone thinks that but I'm like really sure idk maybe that's not convincing but yk) on them they wouldn't care so much. Like I stress my boyfriend out every day asking for reassurance and getting anxious about every little thing and my constant mood changes. I'm putting my mom through guilt because she thinks it's her fault I'm like this and everything makes her worry more about me. I don't know could well-written letters explaining how it's nobody else's fault help? Or should I tell them how I'm really happier like this and living would've only made me worse and worse and I'd be miserable? I know it's a bad idea to tell them why I think I'm a burden because they'd feel guilty for now showing well enough that I'm not because they really don't think I am.

I'm not even sure I can CTB morally like I know it's bad when someone says it's selfish but it really does feel like that.

 

[N@te]

I'm selfish so I don't really care that much. Plus there's only like two people who are likely to be upset.

 

[pleaseletmeleave]

Hi. I'm sorry I can't offer any help or advice, I too am looking for the same advice you're looking for. All I can say is that you're not alone in how you're feeling. I'm struggling with the same feelings you have. I want to ctb sooo bad but I also don't think I can do it to my mom. I want to be selfish and finally do what I want but my moms also been through so much in her life and has done so much for me that I don't know how I could hurt her like that. She doesn't deserve it. I can't be selfish and choose to ease my pain over hers. But I also don't know how I can keep living like this so yaaa… kinda just been stuck. I'm sorry you're feeling the way you're feeling. I hope things get better for you

 

[nolongeralive]

I am also worried that it would affect my parents and my siblings. I think my friends would move on quite easily . They would hangout with other friends and get caught up with life and responsibilities. Even my parents would come to hate me as suicide is seen as murder in my religion and culture. In a way, it's better that they hate me rather than miss me.

 

[homie.ostasis]

I'm selfish so I don't really care that much. Plus there's only like two people who are likely to be upset.

I don't think it's selfish, I understand like once you want to CTB it's so hard to care about most things and it's hard to sacrifice yourself just to prevent other people's sadness once you're gone.

Hi. I'm sorry I can't offer any help or advice, I too am looking for the same advice you're looking for. All I can say is that you're not alone in how you're feeling. I'm struggling with the same feelings you have. I want to ctb sooo bad but I also don't think I can do it to my mom. I want to be selfish and finally do what I want but my moms also been through so much in her life and has done so much for me that I don't know how I could hurt her like that. She doesn't deserve it. I can't be selfish and choose to ease my pain over hers. But I also don't know how I can keep living like this so yaaa… kinda just been stuck. I'm sorry you're feeling the way you're feeling. I hope things get better for you

Thank you your words mean a lot to me <3 I feel so stuck too like I can't just not leave but I also can't do that to other people only to stop my own suffering. I hope things get better for you too

 

[pleaseletmeleave]

I don't think it's selfish, I understand like once you want to CTB it's so hard to care about most things and it's hard to sacrifice yourself just to prevent other people's sadness once you're gone.

Thank you your words mean a lot to me <3 I feel so stuck too like I can't just not leave but I also can't do that to other people only to stop my own suffering. I hope things get better for you too

I understand completely. If you ever need someone to talk to, just message me and I'll try and be there for you as much as I can :)

 

[elpurp]

truly, there's nothing that keeps me here but the pain before.

 

[homie.ostasis]

I understand completely. If you ever need someone to talk to, just message me and I'll try and be there for you as much as I can :)

Thank you so much I really appreciate that if I ever need to talk I'll remember to message you <3

 

[CrawlingInMySkin]

Aye, mate. I feel it. I don't have many people, just a close friend or two, but they're honestly the ones keeping me here. It's strange. I won't be around to care about how they feel when I'm dead, but it's keeping me from CTB'ing. I also noticed you're new to the forum, welcome! you'll find the nicest community of people here, all just looking for something to be happy about. I hope you find what you're looking for here. Love and peace, mate

 

[orange7201]

I think really what of my colleagues will think.

They worked with me for years. I know it will shock them.

 

[homie.ostasis]

Aye, mate. I feel it. I don't have many people, just a close friend or two, but they're honestly the ones keeping me here. It's strange. I won't be around to care about how they feel when I'm dead, but it's keeping me from CTB'ing. I also noticed you're new to the forum, welcome! you'll find the nicest community of people here, all just looking for something to be happy about. I hope you find what you're looking for here. Love and peace, mate

Yeah like even though I'm not gonna be able to know how they react it still is what's stopping me which is so weird, like I'm going to be nothing like extistence-less but somehow it's what happens after my existence that's making me wait. Also, thank you! <3 I've known about this site for a while but always been too scared someone would somehow find my account but I got over that fear and I'm excited to like actually talk to people on here without anyone judging me or talking me out of CTB.

<333

I think really what of my colleagues will think.

They worked with me for years. I know it will shock them.

I know like even people I don't know so well it just makes me think like it must be sooo shocking for someone you see so often to just be gone

 

[Sadbanana]

Part of me just doesn't care and I like that part of me more than the one that does.