Lungz
Member
- Mar 7, 2022
- 46
ive been consistently suicidal since 13 years old, it ws my easy way out. i remember the day my mom passed i decided id just die before ibecame an adult so i didnt have to greive i wouldnt have to live without her if i didnt live. and ive obsessed over that idea since then, constantly, with multiple attemps, almost as if it wasmy prophecy.
id like to thin k im a good person. i went through some really awful things and it pains me so much knowing im going to pass that same pain onto my dad and my family and make them feel as if they failed me. i know itd ruin a few of the people around me, im not completely alone in this world and i do have people that sympathize with me and want to be here for me, but thats not what i want. i simply dont want to be here.
i dont want to just toss their feelings to the side, but i feel like theyl lbe okay without me. maybe some kind of pain will linger with them because of my absence, i dont want to feel like im killing my dad along with myself. i know hell feel like he failed me, but honestly? he did, he has, he continues to do so . he tries for me and is honestly a good person with good intentions but has been struggling with addiction my whole life. i cant entirely hate him for that, but losing my mom to fentanyl overdose n knowing his drug fo choice is pain pills is horrifying.
ive lived with him since my mom passed and his girlfriend has always hated me. ive lived in this house for almost 5 years and known her my whole life but shes never had a single (1) conversation with me, shes only ever complimented me once that i can remember. she just hates me unconditionally.
on my 14th birthday she was all knocked out on sleeping pills and told me happy birthday when i got home at 12 am and my dad wasnt there, i cried for hours because of it just bbcus i wanted to have a family that was ok and not have this constant dividing force,the whole time ive been here ive probably never hung outwith them for more than 15 mins, never sat on the couch with them to watch a movie or sat with them to eat dinner. its just been isolation,, even before my mom passed.
i sat in my room for a year daydreaming about ending it all as a kid and she would call me disgusting and gross, saying she didnt want me to sit on her couch because i was too sick to take care of myself anf shower, shes never abused me but living with someone that wont look at u or speak when your in the room feels like fucking insanity
ijust wish he had chose me over her
i have these people but i dont have a person, someoe n that just cherishes me and wants the best for me, im so codependent because my childhood was just constantly me and my mmom bt i ahve noone to depend on and it makes me feel so empty.
i cling so ahrd to this awful relationship ive been in and out of for 4 years because i just want to feel cherished, i just wanna be important to someone.
ive been so empty without my mom, if she got the easy way out why cant i.
id like to thin k im a good person. i went through some really awful things and it pains me so much knowing im going to pass that same pain onto my dad and my family and make them feel as if they failed me. i know itd ruin a few of the people around me, im not completely alone in this world and i do have people that sympathize with me and want to be here for me, but thats not what i want. i simply dont want to be here.
i dont want to just toss their feelings to the side, but i feel like theyl lbe okay without me. maybe some kind of pain will linger with them because of my absence, i dont want to feel like im killing my dad along with myself. i know hell feel like he failed me, but honestly? he did, he has, he continues to do so . he tries for me and is honestly a good person with good intentions but has been struggling with addiction my whole life. i cant entirely hate him for that, but losing my mom to fentanyl overdose n knowing his drug fo choice is pain pills is horrifying.
ive lived with him since my mom passed and his girlfriend has always hated me. ive lived in this house for almost 5 years and known her my whole life but shes never had a single (1) conversation with me, shes only ever complimented me once that i can remember. she just hates me unconditionally.
on my 14th birthday she was all knocked out on sleeping pills and told me happy birthday when i got home at 12 am and my dad wasnt there, i cried for hours because of it just bbcus i wanted to have a family that was ok and not have this constant dividing force,the whole time ive been here ive probably never hung outwith them for more than 15 mins, never sat on the couch with them to watch a movie or sat with them to eat dinner. its just been isolation,, even before my mom passed.
i sat in my room for a year daydreaming about ending it all as a kid and she would call me disgusting and gross, saying she didnt want me to sit on her couch because i was too sick to take care of myself anf shower, shes never abused me but living with someone that wont look at u or speak when your in the room feels like fucking insanity
ijust wish he had chose me over her
i have these people but i dont have a person, someoe n that just cherishes me and wants the best for me, im so codependent because my childhood was just constantly me and my mmom bt i ahve noone to depend on and it makes me feel so empty.
i cling so ahrd to this awful relationship ive been in and out of for 4 years because i just want to feel cherished, i just wanna be important to someone.
ive been so empty without my mom, if she got the easy way out why cant i.
